Jay Cruse
Speech suffering to end soon
My stomach growls. My face is
turning beet red. Beads of sweat col
lect on my forehead. My leg starts to
shake. My words and thought pro
cesses become a jumbled mess. I just
want this experience to be over.
No, I’m not getting a speeding
ticket. I’m giving yet another class
presentation.
I’m rather certain I’m not the only
person on the planet who feels this
way. In survey after survey, when
people arc asked what they arc most
afraid of, the answer is always the
same: speaking in public.
I don’t know ifl actually fear speak
ing to a room full of people with whom
I have had no previous contact or
discussions, especially when it is in
the context of a class. Everyone must
suffer the same experience. After all,
my interpretations of media issues,
race relations or whatever the topic du
jour may be can’t be all that different
from the other opinions offered.
What I am afraid of is boring my
audience, seeing eyes staring off into
the distance, knowing that the topic I
have been assigned to discuss is not
only boring to me but to several hun
dred cars around me. And to know
that these cars arc trapped within the
requirements of attendance sheets and
class participation points.
If this column is boring, you can
fill in the O’s, draw in horns and a
moustache, and blacken the teeth on
my picture, or, heaven forbid, turn to
the comics and crossword. (Where
have I heard this before?)
If my presentation is boring, too
bad. You’re stuck. Your options are to
tunc out and sleep or daydream while
inserting the appropriate smiles and
approving head nods. You can’t leave.
You can’t turn on the television. You
can’t blacken my teeth w ithout suffer
In survey after survey, when
people are asked what they
are most afraid of, the answer
is always the same: speaking
in public.
ing the immediate physical and long
term legal consequences. You can only
sit and wait for that beloved class bell,
a noise as beautiful as any symphony.
The adrenaline always starts (low
ing when I view the blank faces, and
what 1 ittle sanity remains prevents me
from breaking free of my assigned
topic and bursting into a chorus of
“The sun’ll come out tomorrow, bet
your bottom dollar that tomorrow,
there’ll be sun” and dancing a little
jig, anything to entertain.
The pain of personally presenting
is offset by Schadenfreude, the Ger
man word for the joy of watching
others suffer. I’m jealous of those few
people who aren’t the least bit uncom
fortable making speeches For the rest,
I love to watch them squirm, because
I can relate.
This aversion to speaking became
a permanent scar in seventh grade
when 1 ran for student council. In
order to appear on the ballot, all can
didates had to speak at a forum listing
their goals for the upcoming year.
Dressed in my argyle sweater,
Ocean Pacific shorts and boat shoes, I
was the epitome of Michael J. Fox,
early-’80s yuppie-dom. I had my glow
ing speech memorized, but my body
didn’t cooperate when it became
crunch time. I fumbled over the words,
and the combination of several sodas
and pubescent hormones made me
unable to stand still.
The disastrous speech came to an
end, and I needed a grand finale.
Something to show the rebellious teen
ager inside the conformist clothing.
So I closed my eyes and stuck my
tongue out.
The aud icnce 1 aughed and 1 aughed.
This was not a laughing-with-you
laugh; this was definitely a laughing
at-you laugh. For the next couple of
days, a constant stream ofcatcalls was
my greeting in the impressionable
halls of junior high.
As it turned out, the voters scorned
me. No secret student council pizza
parties for me. The rest of my teen
years became a introverted blur.
To this day, when giving a speech,
I can still sec those hundreds of acne
dotted faces and hair spray-teased
bangs and a chorus laughing in uni
son. And my face still turns redder
than Memorial Stadium on a Septem
ber Saturday.
College life, especially this semes
ter, has been a series of in-class pre
sentations. I’m giving my last one
ever today. Needless to say, I would
rather write a 10-page research paper
any time. If this were put up to a class
vote at the beginning of the semester,
I have a feeling that the majority
would concur.
Tomorrow, tomorrow, I love you,
tomorrow. You’re only a speech away.
Crme It a senior advertising major ant
a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
i
.11 SI |\ | IKI SIOM
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Save Mother Earth; don’t flush
Yippee! Hooray! Hee-haw! Il s
Earth Day!
Every year, the ecology- mi nded bug
sneaks up from behind me and bites
me right on the head. After biting me
on the head, the bug reminds me that
I need to take care of my environment,
or else one day — POOF! — it might
disappear, a la Jimmy Hoffa.
The theme for me this year is:
“Give back to our environment.” I
take and take and take from my planet,
but 1 seldom give back. This year, 1
promise that that's all going to change.
Today, I’m turning over a new leaf. A
new green leaf, that is.
How e xactly docs a person go about
doing this? Well, I could be boring
and do everything that environmen
talists tell me to do, like recycle news
papers and conserve fossil fuels by
riding a bicycle more often. The prob
lem with this is that I like to hoard a
healthy stack ofevery Friday’s edition
of the paper, and I hate riding bi
cycles.
So I thought for an incredulously
long time and came up with some of
my own tips for you to try when saving
our current planet. I say current planet,
because wc may have to leave this one
if wc don’t save it.
Let’s start with newspapers. For
those of you who are too lazy to recycle
the paper, yet love a good fire, why not
gather all of them up and have your
self a nice bonfire? You’ll be giving
back to the planet by replenishing the
carbon dioxide supply for plants, and
the ashes will be loaded with carbon,
the building block of life.
Let’s say you want to conserve
fossil fuels, but you have to commute
every day in a car. What can you
possibly do then? For starters, you can
drive faster than the speed limit. The
faster you get to campus, the less time
your car will be running, and the less
gas you’ll be using. Another great
way to save gas is to not use your
I suggest only flushing when
company is over. This will
save clean water for more
necessary tasks, like making
Kool-Aid.
brakes that often. More gas is wasted
by stopping than by any other cause.
A lot of you who are concerned for
our planet are really concerned about
fresh drinking water. One of the big
gest wastes of water is flushing the
toilet. I suggest only flushing when
company is over. This will save clean
water for more necessary tasks, like
making Kool-Aid.
A side note: You can save yourself
a lot ofeleanup work by mak ing Kool
Aid (preferably cherry) really thick. If
you should spill (and you should) onto
your floor, let it sit for about an hour
until it dries. Then, simply peel it off,
and — POOF! — no more slain.
Here’s a hot tip for you hairstylists
and barbers: Save those hair clippings
from your customers. They make great
compost heaps. Of course, you don’t
have to be a hairstylist or barber to
save hair clippings; you can cut your
own hair and save it, along with your
toenail clippings, to make a nice com
post heap for your backyard garden.
A backyard garden is the perfect
thing to help cut down on those excess
product wrappers and sacks that the
grocery store likes to send home with
you. A good thing to grow that doesn’t
need much water is a cactus. The
problem with a cactus, however, is
that it doesn’t easily feed too many
people. Hence, my next tip.
Call a group meeting of your resi
dence hall, greek organization, apart
ment building or whatever, and pro
pose (Hat a patch of land in your back
yard be used to tend chickens. These
chickens will provide you with many
eggs, which are the source of a good,
high-fat diet necessary for every busy
college student.
If you get really hungry, you can
always cat one of the chickens; better
yet, herd cattle in your back yard.
Forget vegetarianism, 1 say. We eat
animals, if for no other reason, be
cause they’re so dam tasty.
My final tip deals with the small
and overlooked creatures called in
sects. They deserve to live just as
much as any human,as longas they’re
not in my house.
As 1 attempted to crush an ant the
other day. someone stopped me and
suggested that the ant was harmless
and shouldn’t be killed. Well, what
was I supposed to do? I didn’t want it
near me, and I couldn’t kill it without
appearing to be Stalin, so I picked it
up and threw it into the recycling bin
for newspapers. 1 figured that it was a
compromise in the truest sense of the ,
word. Plus, 1 gave back to the planet
by recycling the ant.
Hf you’re bored by the mundane
(ana who isn’t?) tips about recycling
paper and conserving fossil fuels, try
some of my tips. Each one is guaran
teed by me to make you feel better
about yourself, because instead of tak
ing, you’ll be giving back to the envi
ronment.
Firvstoae Is a sophomore economics ma
jor and a Dally Nebraska* columnist.
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1 out of 3
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Join your friends, earn higher grades, and take advantage
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