,11 stin Firestone
Don’t turn that dial! Yeah, right
Here’s a riddle:
“1 become worse with great
er variety from which to
choose, I waste more of your time
than anything else and I look like a
television.”
The answer: a television. (The great
social equalizer, the boob tube, the
idiot box and the telly arc all suitable
substitutes for the answer, too).
If you’re any fan of television at
all, you’ve noticed that you’ve got
more channels to choose from as of
late, and more are on the way. A lot of
these new channels are garbage, and
the old channels are becoming terri
ble.
To prove this, I spent all of this
week conducting a somewhat scien
tific survey of all the cable channels I
receive.
The survey began with watching
Channel 1. Not much happens on this
channel. A lot of fuzz and snow was
difficult to watch for a long period of
time. 1 quickly turned to Channel 2.
The reception on Channel 2 is much
improved compared to Channel 1.
Channel 2 doesn’t have any real pro
gramming on it; it’s just a listing of
what’s on. But whenever I turn to it to
see what’s on, say, Channel 11,1
always just miss it and have to wait
three minutes for Channel 11 to scroll
around again.
Channels 3 and 11 are godsends,
because they air Oprah and Lctterman.
Channel 11 magically turns into a
home shopping channel around 12:30
a.m.
Channel 4 is the James Bond and
Cl int Eastwood channel. Channel 4 is
my favorite because I can always find
a good action movie on.
The first of the boring channels
begins with Channel 5. Along with
Channel 5, the other boring channels
arc 10, 12, and 21. These channels
have a bunch of words running across
them set to really raunchy Muzak.
Pretty boring, aren’t they?
Channels 6 and 7 arc Omaha sta
tions, but they surprisingly have bet
After watching an hour of Channel
28,1 was nearly convinced that
Kurt Cobain was my new leader
and that I should do whatever
MTV told me to do.
ter local news than Lincoln’s channel.
These two channels arc essentially
the nutty situation comedy channels,
with “Seinfeld,” “Roseanne,” “Home
Improvement” and “Blossom.”
My favorite show, “The Bozo
Show,” is on Channel 8. I usually
don’t get up early enough to watch it,
but I am awake to watch the other
main attraction on Channel 8, Cubs
baseball. On noother channel can you
hear a drunk man do play-by-play for
a baseball game.
Channel 9 has the best new show,
“Ammaniacs.” Yakko, Wakko and
Dot Warner are the three funniest
characters since Bugs Bunny.
The span of channels from 12-21
arc 10 channels that never have any
thing on to watch. Nothing to watch,
that is, unless you 1 ike to watch George
Takcisclling“StarTrek” memorabil
ia, Ernie Chambers filibustering or
local people making fools of them
selves on the public access channel.
Channel 22 has one good show,
“Crossfire.” Watching two grown men
yell at each other is one of the best
ways to spend a half hour.
Channcl23 is THE sports channel.
No other channel comes close. I can
watch baseball, football, hockey and
basketball. Afterward, I can catch all
of the highlights from the day’s sport
ing events.
You can find out what’s going on
in the world on Channel 24 and get a
pretty inaccurate forecast from Chan
nel 25. Channels 26 and 27 rerun all
the old shows you never watched
when they first aired, like “Murder,
She Wrote,” “MacGyver” “and “Get
Smart.”
After watch ing an hour of Channel
28,1 was nearly convinced that Kurt
Cobain was my new leader and that 1
should do whatever MTV told me to
do. Luckily, I found a blunt object to
hit myself in the head with and snapped
out of it.
From Channel 29 on up to 50 are
the special-interest channels. If you
like courtrooms, traveling people,
open-heart surgeries, World War I,
the world of insects or Don Francisco,
you’ll love this span of channels.
Finally, you’ve got the premium
channels, which play one new movie
every week. This movie gets played
over and over and over again, until
you can memorize all of the dialogue.
To summarize all of this, there’s
really only a handful of channels that
are even close to being consistently
full of good programs. This isbccausc
there are so few programs that arc any
good.
Technology will soon be able to
bring us zillions of channels, but will
it really matter? I remember when
there were about 10 channels to choose
from, and I could always find some
thing to watch. Now that there’s more
than 40 channels, television has be
come diluted.
The worst aspect is that it takes
longer to flip through all of the chan
nels to decide that there really is noth
ing on anymore.
Firestone is a sophomore economics ma
jor and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
.1 \n ( ri si:
Send Madonna to Capitol Hill
President Clinton, I have one
small suggestion for you. No,
this isn’t about Chelsea again.
1 understand you are looking for
another Supreme Court nominee after
your No. 1 choice. Senator George
Mitchell, left you high and dry.
George would rather stay in the
Senate and provide whatever help he
can in passing your health reform bill.
A noble pursuit, indeed. You’re prob
ably going to need it.
It was a refroshing change to sec
someone withdrawing themselves
from consideration, instead of being
nominated and letting 100 members
of Capitol Hill dig up their closeted
skeleton bones.
Harry Blackmun opposes a litmus
test nominee who would replace all
his opinions on important issues. Well,
my choice for the job defnitely shares
Blackmun’s penchant for being the
center of controversy.
President Clinton, I understand the
last lime you went through this pro
cess, you looked past your A-list to
nominate Ruth Bader Ginsburg. This
time I’m asking you to look past your
A, B and C-lists. Way past.
No, not your gal pal, Barbra
Streisand. She’s too busy gouging
elite urbanites with her $350 concert
ticket prices.
I have the answer for you. Bill:
Madonna Cicconc.
Aside from a nice mouth-washing
and a swift kick in the rump, which
my mother and a mill ion others would
gladly provide, all Madonna needs is
a change of pace. The reviews are in,
and her David Lctterman performance
inspired the adjectives “pathetic” and
“pitiful.” Her latest single “I’ll Re
member" is just 1 istenablc, with mass
produced lyrics not inspiring the dance
hysteria her early ditties did. She’ll
never ride off quietly into the sunset,
so let’s put her to use somewhere else
in the public eye.
Aside from a nice mouth-washing
and a swift kick in the rump,
which my mother and a million
others would gladly provide, all
Madonna needs is a change of
pace.
Razorback fan, here’s who bene
fits from this plan:
• You and Hillary would definite
ly profit (sorry. Hillary, no pun in
tended) from this. You’d get credit for
nominating the third woman and sec
ond Ital ian-American to the high court.
If she keeps up this fitness frenzy,
your influence could be felt in the
nation’s capital for at least another
hal f a century. And if that isn’t enough.
Madonna’s nomination would defi
nitely draw attention away from this
whole Whitewater mess and cattle
futures crap.
• The personality press, including
the National Enquirer. The current
disagreements about Ginsburg inter
rupting Sandra Day O’Connor would
surelybecome minuscule. And imag
ine Madonna and Clarence Thomas
working together, day after day.
• The fashion industry. Imagine
the profits Calvin Klein and Giorgio
Armani could make on their Madon
na-inspired spring lines ofblack robes.
Of course, waif models would lose
prestige. Those black robes hide ev
erything.
• The measurable reputation of
our nation’s education system. There
would be no more of these ridiculous
polls stating that 34 percent of Harvard
students cannot even name one Su
preme Court Justice. Now, if we could
just do something about that little
illiteracy problem.
• The federal deficit. Madonna
would continue to pull people in the
way she has for the last decade. Quite
simply, you could charge admission
tocourt hearings. Pay-per-view,even.
• Conservative support. Madon
na’s opinions on several benchmark
right-wing issues arc well-document
ed. Abortion? “Papa don’t preach/but
I made up my mind/l’m keeping my
baby.” School prayer? “When call my
name/it’s like a little prayer.” And
Bush’ buzzwords, family values?
“Keep it together in the family/in
your heart and your soul/don’t forget
that you family is gold.”
• Liberal support. C’mon, we’re
talking about Madonna here.
Who, dare I say, would be against
the plan?
• Law schools and professors. Once
the “brightest minds of this nation”
sec that a law degree isn’t really re
quired to gain a seat on the h igh court,
they wouldn’t waste time and money
fjetting law degrees. There would be
ewer lawyers.
Basically, all of humanity benefits
from this plan.
It’s just an off-the-wall sugges
tion, Bill. Take it or leave it. I under
stand that confirmation hearings would
be difficult, but please don’t leave her
high and dry. We’re not talking about
the attorney general, after all.
Stranger things have happened. A
movie actor became a wildly popular
leader of the free world.
Cruse Is a senior advertising major and a
Daily Nebraskan columnist.
Are You Late?
• Free Pregnancy testing
• Options counseling
• Abortion procedures
to 14 weeks
• Saturday appointments
available
• Student discounts
• Visa, Mastercard
Women's
Medical Center
of Nebraska
4930 "L" Street
Omaha, NE 68117
(402) 734-7500
Toll free (800) 877-6337
T-HO QX
"Stunning... suggests the work or Vermeer."
- The New York Times . , ■
ioncx I
T~ilm .Series
ApHl I 17, 1994
3/ 5, 7, and 9 PM
]9[ary Piepma Poss Pilm Xke.a\e.r
14/ML Students ~ $3 Public $5
Xickefs Available A+ Xke Poop
For more information call 472-8146, or call The UPC Events Hotline at 472-8150.
TANNING PLUS
NOW OPEN!
4703 Prescott, Ste B
Tanning specials:
1 FREE Tan w/ the purchase of 5 @ $14.95
2 FREE Tan w/ the purchase of 10 @ $29.95
3 FREE Tan w/ the purchase of 20 @ $49.95
One month UNLIMITED @ $29.00
To tan NOW,
stop by or call 484-8311 for Appt’s.
Open 8:00 a.m. - 11:00 p.m. - M-S
* UNL students bring this ad for 10% off all
tanning packages.
1 out of 3
Every third resident is coming back to live in
the residence halls next year.
Join your friends, earn higher grades, and take advantage
of the conveniences on-campus housing offers. You can
receive a $150 discount for next year.
UNL—ce ^
i»r(‘iit place
1) V.
University Housing
1100 Seaton Hall
472-3561