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sower
Parents break status quo
10-year-old gets her love from lesbian moms
By Anne Steyer
Staff Reporter
Christina is a typical 10-year-old. She talks on the
phone with her friends, admires movie stars, likes roller
blading and insists on being a part of every conversa
tion around her.
She is a normal, healthy, happy child.
Like most parents, Christina’s hope her life is filled
with a lot of happiness and little heartache.
Unlike most parents, Christina’s are lesbians.
But her biological mother Jolene and Jolene’s part
ner Eileen share the typical parenting situations. They
have been to parent-teacher conferences together, they
bought a home together, they drive to work together,
and they make family decisions together.
Most importantly, they are just like any other couple
in the United States when it comes to raising their child.
“We have the same concerns straight couples
have,” Jolene said.
But heterosexual parents can deal
"There’s a lot of craziness in religion," Eileen said.
"If you teach your children the rights and wrongs, I
think that’s good enough.”
Christina agreed. "Real Christians are people who
are good — it’s not about not shopping or working on
Sundays.
"I think of my mom as a good Christian person
because she’s a caring, good person.”
But, Jolene said, the world is not always filled with
good Christian people.
Although Christina said no one had been really
cruel to her yet, the fear of how people would react to i
her family was real. i
Christina said many of her friends did not know i
i her mother was a '
"They cannot ignore the nontraditional lifestyle,"
Jolene said. “There always have been and there al
ways will be nontraditional lifestyles."
But regardless of that fact, Jolene said, she and
Eileen are limited as to what they can and cannot do
as a family.
“It would be wonderful to say to everyone we’re a
:ouple, we’re married, we bought a house together,
/ve are together. I would love to walk down the street
lolding her hand, but you can’t do that here."
But Jolene and Eileen can do that at home. Their
elationship — even sitting on opposite sides of the
oom — is evident. They have a mature, affectionate
elationship that is tempered with a healthy dose of com
nunication. And they share that communication with
their daughter.
She seems to be a caring, intelligent
individual," Eileen said. "She under
stands it, I guess.”
“Well," Christina said,
"I’ve been around it all
wun muse concerns umereruiy.
“In traditional families there
are distinct roles for both
parents to play,” Jolene
saia. me motner is usu
ally the nurturing, caring
parent, while the father
plays the disciplinarian.
“We’re both the mother
in this family. I’m' the
mother, the biological
mother, but we share the
decision making and the
discipline."
Jolene said there was
no set definition of who did
what in their household,
and there was none of the
role-playing people as
sumed existed with lesbi
ans.
“Eileen is not the ‘fa
ther,’" Jolene said.
Christina’s father died
in an automobile accident
shortly after her birth. He
and Jolene were not mar
ried.
This absence of a male
role model for Christina
does not stop Eileen and
Jolene from pursuing the
same goals that straight
parents would pursue.
“We try to instill in her
the important things. No
sex before marriage, say
no to strangers, no drugs,
no alcohol, no cigarettes.
We have all those old val
ues," Jolene said.
They also stress un
derstanding, compassion
and tolerance.
my nte. I nis is who my
mom is.”
Jolene wishes
the world was as un
derstanding as her
child.
“Sometimes
you just have to be
careful, and it’s
really too bad. What
we need people to
know is that we’re no
different. We have the
same hopes for our 1
family, the same wor
ries. We’re not a threat
to the American fam
ily by any means."
In fact, the
American ideal may
be more threatening
to them than the other
way around. Jolene
said most of the diffi
culties they faced as
a family were outside ,
their family unit.
Jolene and
Eileen’s marriage — a
ceremony performed
five years ago — is not
legally valid. Because
of that, they are not eli
gible for family health
insurance and cannot
file taxes jointly.
Their internal
family problems are
typical. Christina said
the arguments were
usually about cleaning
her room and washing
the dishes.
Eileen said the main
difference between their parenting style and the tradi
tional style was that they did not insist that Christina
have any religion.
“It’s my belief parents should not choose religion
for a child," Eileen said.
And they allow Christina to make her own deci
sions regarding religion. At one point, Christina ex
pressed an interest in finding out more about Catholi
cism, a religion with which both Jolene and Eileen had
been raised.
For a short time she attended classes with a friend,
but after a while, she decided not to go anymore. The
nuns, Christina said, put too much stress on sin and
not enough on the goodness in people.
lesbian or that her parents were both women. She’s
not ashamed, she said, but some people just do not
understand.
“I’m afraid they won’t want to be my friend any
more." With that she sounds like the 10-year-old child
she is, but moments later, when asked how she would
respond to a negative reaction, Christina said she would
tell people how it was.
“It’s part of my life. I’m safe here. So don’t worry
about it,” she said.
Jolene said those who spoke out for “traditional
family values" had an outdated view.
“Their ideal of the American family is a mother and
father and 2.2 children. That’s not the way it is any
more.
those, Eileen said, and also Christina’s desire to add a
puppy to their family, which already includes nine cats.
The family hasn’t had any problems they couldn’t
overcome.
Eileen said she wasn’t sure she wanted to be a
parent when she and Jolene met 61/2 years ago. Eileen
said she wasn’t interested in children, had never seen
herself as a parent and didn’t want to.
But Christina grew on her. They spent time getting
to know each other, and when Jolene was at work Eileer
would take Christina out to the movies and to dinner.
“We got to be friends," Christina said. “We had s
lot of fun."
Eileen said she had almost forgotten how she fel
before. “We’ve really had a good five years."
Illustration by Amy Schmidt