Harassment
April Fool’s Day, 1994
Arts@Entertainment
Archaeologists really dig evil dinosaur’s tale
rics to explain away his responsibili
ties to he and Sara’s illigitimate child.
Two annoying children (Macaulcy
Skul 1 kick and those stupid twins from
“Full House”) join the cast so the film
will be more appealing to youngsters
(whose minds are quickly warped by
all the sex and violence).
After the fat guy (Lou Ferrig-no)
lets all the dinobots out, they run
rampant and swiftly destroy the is
land.
There is one dramal ical ly suspcnsc
ful scene where the VclocityRaptors
demonstrate their almost human in
telligence by devouring a radio that is
playing Rush Limp-Baugh’s “politi
cal” talk show.
The special effects arc spectacular
(except that part where you can sec the
wires that the puppeteers use to ma
nipulate the raptors).
The show’s conclusion is surpris
ingly effective as the Mighty Morphin’
Power Rangers save their day in their
incredibly infantile, yet strangely he
roic fashion.
— Joel Strauchasaurus
"Jurassick Park"
“The Land of the Lost" finally
makes it to the big screen in Stephen
Spiclbergasaurus’ new flick ‘‘Jurassick
Park.”
Alan (Bruce Campbell Soup “Evil
Dead 2”) and Sara (Rosanne Bar
rasaurus) are two surprisingly young
bone-diggers who are invited to the
carnivorous island of Dr. Kimball
(Harrison “Indy” Ford).
They barely escape consumption
by a big ugly Tyrannasaurus Mex (T
rex’s Hispanic cousin) as they explore
the Walt-Disney-on-acid theme park.
An MIT math major, Malcolm
(Trendy Stoolc). uses his chaos thco
Led Center hell-havenfor ghoulish
brand of resurrected rock n ’ roll
Concert
preview
By Paula Lasagne
DN Pledge
II ieve me damm it?” he shouted in angs
jelly doughnut dribbling offhis chii
“All those rumors about me an
that girl. Well, that was years age
she’s got to be almost 19 now,” Presle
\ sombered. “And my little Priscilla
I Oooo Lord, help me see the error of m
ways."
(Unfortunately the interview end
ed here because Presley spontaneous
ly combusted.)
The arm of Def Leppard drum me
Rick Allen will join Bonham during
the first set.
“It’sgreattobeabletojam withonc
of the wackiest drummers on Earth,’*
Allen’s arm signed. “Lately, I’ve been
falling apart. Rock and roll is becom
ing more and more disarming.’’
Bonham, polishing his sticks, said
it was great to have that third arm he’s
always been wishing for.
Meanwhile, back at the lizard
lounge, the former Doors’ bandleader
reminisced on his troubled past rid
dled with drugs, women, bloodlust
[< and LAPD cops.
'• “Uh. You know something somc
d thing liar. Uhhhhh. Woah. the colors
• man, they’re like so bright and the
V people. Hey look, the people, they’re
- walking on the ceiling," Morrison
^ babbled incoherantly.
He did recall his work with famed
' pop artist Andy Warhol.
“MIC,KEY,MOUSE, You
know, all that Crystal Ship bologna
and free expression and rock and roll
’ and that mqjo rising. It never hap
pened,” the singer said through sever
al sips of espresso.
Morrison, who was touted as being
the greatest poet of all times, said his
work was “rocking and blasting the
porcelain god” compared to artists
today.
And what’s this Doors reunion
concert? Uhhh. Oh man, I’m sorry
dude. Whoah, what did I have for
lunch? Man, that’s really gross. Let
me get you a napkin or something,” he
said.
Both Presley and Morrison said
they felt proud to be a part of the “Just
Say No” concert.
“You know, kids and drugs, kids
and drugs, that’s all you hear about.
Kids and drugs don’t mix,” Presley
warned. “Hmm, but get me a fine
woman and well, hey, that’s another
story.”
Morrison, rolling his eyes in a fit of
rage, could only drool and gurgle oc
casional mumbling “Dcnsmore”
through the rest of the interview.
Both artists will be revitalized on
stage for the LSD concert at the Led
Center at 8 p.m. Opening performers
w i II be Janis Jopl in and Andrew Wood.
Tickets arc $13, plus a free bag of
medicinal herbs fresh from the NUL
grcenspacc for the first 666 people
who enter the doors.
Straight from the grave and onto
the staee. reigning kings of rock n’
roll will decompose at the Led Center
this weekend.
“Livin.« t0 See the Dead
(LSD) concert is sponsored in part by
the “Just Say No” campaign which
uses major rock stars as role models
for the nation’s youth.
Rock king Elvis Presley on guitars
and the lizard king Jim Morrison on
\»>cals will jam to the rhythms of the
NULOrchestra with their rousing ren
ditions of “Blue Velvet Shoes” and
Riders on the Clouds.” Drummer
John Bonham and bassist Sid Vicious
will join the deadly quartet.
Nirvana lead singer Kurt Cobain
was offered a position within the group,
but pulled out in the nick of time. The
remaining members said they were
ihankful for this last chance to rock
the Midwest.
‘‘Why, I think it’s a great opportu
nity for me to blubber alongside little
Jimmy,” Presley choked in an inter
view from Kokomo, Thursday. “That
boy’s got some balls, yes he docs.”
Presley said although it had been
over a decade since he’d been live on
stage, or just live for that matter, he
knew he could pick up the tempo.
“Some people say a stalled Buick
like me can’t snake it up out there, but
|ny fat is my fortress, and I am the
King! Why doesn’t anybody still be
Aided by Jurassick Park
wild.
Courtesy of Hollywood Pictures, Co
midwives, the Tyrranosaurus Rex gives birth to her young in the
BAR SCENE: Very loud, vcrj
crowded and very expensive. Ex
pect lousy pick-up lines, wall-to
wall sexism and random groping
The yuppie bars on O Street will be
especially packed, because of good
weather and the start of the mating
season. Big John’s pool hall on West
O will have many tattoos, far too
much country music and lots of guys
swinging their pool cues around, des
perately trying to emulate Tom
C ruise in ‘The Color of Money.”
MOVIE SCENE: No parking, con
cessions prices that you need a short
term loan to afford and seats that you
couldn’t be comfortable in if your
life depended on it. High-density,
loudmouth teenager factor at the
Starpink 9 theater on 13th and Q
streets, due to cheap prices and cool
lights. Movie patrons will include
talkers, drunkards and loudmouth
Komhumper athletes that will get
bailed out of trouble by their buttinski
coach.
MUSIC SCENE: The LSD con
cert at the LedCcntcr is the highlight
of the evening. Not only will Elvis
return from the dead, but so will the
career of Donny Osmond, as will the
concept that the Led Center was built
for the students to afford instead of
pompous, rich bluebloods.
STREET SCENE: Bazillions of
cars zipping up and down O Street,
most of them booming loud music
that can be felt vibrating in the next
county. Chance of tectonic plates
cracking: 25 percent. Expect lots of
hacky-sack playing, junior high neck
ing-and-mating activities and hun
dreds of minors smoking cigarettes
in the hopes that they’ll be in the first
Marlboro commercial aimed at the
pre-teen audience.
NUL SCENE: Toilet paper in the
trees of geek (sorry, Greek) organi
zations, keggers in the dorms (sorry,
residence halls) and people peeing
in dorm elevators (sorry, residence
hall vertical transportation devices)
and Broyhill Fountain.
SEX SCENE: It’s been censored,
but we can each think of one really
graphic scene anyway. Just don’t
think of Jessica Tandy or Wilford
Brimley in a leather thong; it would
ruin the entire mood.
OBSCENE: Professors more con
cerned about their point of view than
the ideas of their students, elitist
snobs that think their religion is the
only one that should exist, lawmak
ers that have the common sense of
penguin snot, student government
officials that think their jobs are ac
tually significant, and protoplasmic
lowlife students that have nothing
better to bitch about than a day with
out a comic strip.
— Scary Belch