High-energy hijinx between trio kicks boo-tay
When you get University of No-Learning
football coach Tom Ozzybome, men’s basket
ball coach Dan Knee and women’s basketball
coach Angela Buck in the same room, you’re
asking for trouble.
But when you make them roommates you ’ vc
got the ingredients for high-energy hijinx.
In Slick Finkelstein’s new comedy-drama
“Gender Equity Bites,” this zany trio is united
in a depiction of the trials and hilarity present in
the world of collegiate coaching.
The story begins with the three coaches
being forced to live together in order to compcn
By Itchy Mormon
Stuffed Rejecter
Kornhumper basketball player
Erick Strikelane, who also stars in the
Florida Morons minor league organi
zation, has decided to start taking
strikes of a different kind.
The 6-foot-2-inch junior from
Ballsvicw has recently been seen hon
ing his bowling skills at the Easter
Campus Nebraska Union.
“I’m the true renaissance man,
baby,” Strikelane said. “People don’t
get how tough bowling is. It’s not just
knocking over some pins. It’s a way of
life.
“You’vc got to be one with the lane
and the ball and the pins and those
funky shoes.”
Strikelane then fell into deep med
itation while humming “let’s bowl,
let’s bowl, let’s rock n’ roll” over and
over again.
Kornhumper basketball coach Dan
Knee, who himself is an avid bowler,
said any talk of his star guard taking
up a new sport is “totally ludicrous.”
“That’s absloutely the most insane
thing I’ve ever heard,” Knee said. “I
mean, the guy changes sports like I
change underwear — once every two
weeks.” Strikelane said he did noi
appreciate Knee’s comment.
“The guy doesn’t know a friggin’
thing about being a two-sport ath
lete, Strikelane said. “Come to think
of it, he doesn’t know a thing about
being a one-sport athlete, either.”
Nebraska bowing coach “Wild”
Willy Straw said he would welcome
By Ralph Samson & Delilah
Senonta Report or
Today marks the end of a week
filled with controversy between
Humpcr basketball coach Dan Knee
and forward Tom Worst.
In Tuesday’s practice. Worst
walked out after janitors, cleaning up
the C-9 section of the Slob Dczany
Sports Center, began to boo Worst
after he gave up an offensive rebound
to assistant coach Boo T. Lishious
during a scrimmage.
Apparently, the twojanitors, Hugo
Screwyurself and Leon Mee, began
booing and throwing whiskey-stained
cups at Worst.
When Worst broke into tears at
midcourt. Knee went ballistic.
Knee stopped practice and began
sate for the sharp reductions in their salaries due
to gender equity.
The plot of the film re
volves around not only.the
struggles the coaches deal
with in their respective
sports, but also how they
deal with each other in such
a strange environment.
This leads to madcap fun
Knee sucn as bruised Pubick
wearing some of Buck’s dresses, Ozzybome
wearing some of Buck’s dresses and also Knee
Screw basketball, Strikelane’s
Humper-lovin’ mind in the gutter
Let’s bowl, let’s bowl, let’s rock n’ roll.
— Strikelane
NUL bowler
Strikclanc to his team.
“This guy is one of the most kick
ass athletes I’ve ever laid my mothcr
grabbin’ eyes on,” Straw said. “I think
with a little guidance from moi,
Strikelanc could go all the way.”
Straw did not elaborate on what
“all the way” is for a bowler. But
Straw’s definition apparently centers
on moving out of one’sparents’ house
and getting one’s own place in the
trailer park.
Strikclanc, who chose bowlingovcr
badminton and water polo, said he
will not stop with just bowling for
Nebraska.
“Basketball isjust a hobby forme,”
Strikelanc said. “I’m looking to bowl
for the Huskcrs for the next two years
and then hit the pro circuit.”
In order to avoid conflict with the
baseball season, Strikclanc said, he
would have to budget his time wisely
between basketball and bowling in the
winter months.
“If there is ever a conflict as far as
two tournaments going on,” he said,
“I am going to bowl every time. But I
don’t think scheduling will be a real
problem. I mean the bowling team
might compete at any time, but the
basketball season gets over on the
same weekend every year. I got a
pretty good idea when the team will be
done.”
However, there is one downfall to
bowling, Strikclane said.
“I tried to get Coach Straw to let me
wear hightops when I was bowling,”
he said. “But he wouldn’t budge. I’ve
got to wear those stupid red, green and
blue bowling shoes. I’m sure glad 1
I ike polyester or I’d really be screwed.”
But. he said, that may soon be a
fashion blunder of the past. Strikelanc
plans to introduce a new line of bowl
ing shoes after establishing himself
among the elite of the sport.
“I’m going tocall them Air Spare,”
he said.
Although he seems set on picking
up splits and automatic scorekcepcrs,
Strikclane said, he was leaving his
other options open for the future.
“I never know what’s next,” he
said. “Maybe jai alai. Hell, maybe
Pubick and I can get together. I can see
it now. Ice dancing. Synchronized
swimming. Maybe synchronized ice
dancing.
“By the way, have you seen his
bazooka?”
to reprimand Worst.
“Worst, you dog-lickin’ pretty boy,
dry up those tears,” Knee said, as he
lifted his middle finger to the janitors
above. “You’re a college basketball
player. I mean you’re a basketball
player. I mean you’re in college or
somethin’ like that. Anyway, get up
and let’s get back to practice.”
Worst would have no part ofKncc’s
instructions, pounding his fists into
the hardwood floor of the Sports Cen
ter and sobbing uncontrollably.
Knee then stared at Worst for a
second and then began taunting his
player by yelling “hey, wu-SA Y” over
and over.
Jim Dandelion, a local radio sports
caster, saw the event and intervened.
“You leave Tom alone, you big bad
man," Dandelion, with tears rolling
down his cheeks, instructed Knee.
“He’s a good kid. He’s just going
through a tough time.”
Dandelion helped Worst to his feet
and escorted him to the locker room.
Knee said Worst’s behavior and
absence from the rest of practice would
lead to a one-game suspension.
“I don’t appreciate him leaving
practice and that’s all I will say about
the matter, but if anyone has questions
about how I turned the program
around, ask them now,” Knee said.
The fireworks continued between
Knee and Worst during Wednesday’s
game with the Big Eight-leading Mis
souri Tigers, which was also the game
wearing Buck’s dresses. In this writer’s opin
ion, they all looked better than the real owner.
The wackiness reaches its peak as Ozzybome
repeatedly leaves the toilet seat up and an
enraged Buck beats him senseless. But the two
make up like the true sportsmen that they are.
The most poignant moments of the flick
occur when Buck gives both Ozzybome and
Knee the Heimlich maneuver as both choke
throughout the movie.
This lends an effective touch of sentimental
ity to this funny, funny, funny, funny, funny,
funny, humorous, funny movie.
There are some problems with the film,
however.
The romance between Buck and NUL Cap
tain Greasy Spaniel is completely not plausible.
Also, a Nebraska men’s basketball Final
Four appearance? I’ve heard of “poetic license”
but I think the writer is getting a little silly.
But all in all, this is an excellent film conjur
ing up images of the immortal “Three’s Com
pany,” but I won’t tell you who the sexual
tension involves.
— Beauprah Finnfrey
Spaun Fartin/DH
Erick Strike lane (middle) prepares to bowl while Humper center
Dave Rimmingtoon (right) chases and Dan Knee looks on.
Pipe-smokin ’ ratface and dog-lickin *pretty boy make up
in which Worst was to serve his one
game suspension.
With Nebraska leading 42-39 at
halftime, Misery coach Storm Blew fart
offered Worst 52,000 to suit up at
halftime and play in the second half.
Worst accepted Blewfart’s bribe.
“I had to get some money before my
NBA contract gets settled,” Worst
said after the game.
Blcwfart’s plan worked to perfec
tion in the second half, as Worst start
ed and played almost the entire half.
However, with 1:22 remaining and
Missouri holding a 74-42 lead. Knee
noticed Worst in the game.
After confronting Worst during a
timeout. Knee went directly to the
Tiger bench, pulled Blcwfart out of
the huddle and began beating him
senseless.
After several blows to Blewfart's
head and kicks to his stomach, Knee
was pulled off the Missouri coach by
the officials, score keepers and Dande
lion, the announcer.
Knee was shouting, “Screw you.
Storm,” while Blewfart screamed
“Touch my monkey."
Knee was to meet with Nebraska
athletic director Will Bum today to
discuss disciplinary actions.
As for Knee and Worst’s relation
ship, the coach said a meeting be
tween the two called by Dandelion
would hopefully iron things out.
“We have to get through this con
flict,” Knee said. “We have a lot of
season left. We still have a Big Eight
tournament to win and another first
round NCAA tournament game to
lose.”