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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1994)
Opinion Harassment April FooP* Day, 1994 Daily . Harassment Editbored University of No-Learning Lincoln Germy Fitzhatrick Rainbow Connection! A Deen-bean Lefty Claude Pooperr. WhiffZaney. Sarah Du-me Billy Lower. Edibore, 472-1766 Opinionated Editora-tora Mang}' Edits more .Sports He ad Hot Associate Snooze Editsore Entertaining Headitor Photo I lack KlHItnUI Don’t go, Dan! Humper basketball coach should stay put Rumor has it that Humpcr head cheese basketball coach Dan Knee is entertaining coaching offers from other schools. In fact, some guy told me in class yesterday that O-NO is offering Dan big money to be their coach. The DH Editbored only has one thing to say: DON’T GO, DAN! We love you, coach. Let us count the ways: We love getting to the NCAA Tournament. We love getting creamed in the NCAA Tournament. We love your accent. We love your respect for others (especially us). We love your guttcral sense of humor (those Angela Buck jokes always kill us). We love your slickcd-back hair. And that cute, little rat face you give referees. We love your players. We love having winners like Hoscr Rama, Tony Rancher, Andre Woolly, Kelly Deadly come and go from our campus. For all these reasons, Dan, we love you. Don’t go. Come on, Dan, don’t make us beg. OK. we’re on our knees, begging pretty please. O lordy, don’t go. PLEASE don’t go. Grazed and abused NUL geek system must eliminate grazing The time has come to end grazing in the NUL geek system. Last week, a pledge of the Kappa Epsilon Gamma Fartemity, was rushed to the Stealth Center after being forced by his farternity brothers to graze at Memorial Stadium. They did not realize the grass at the stadium was not real. This error is not the real problem. The real problem is long entrenched fartemity tradition of grazing. When Nebraska citizens and NUL alumni visit the campus and see large packs of farternity members roaming around campus, chewing on grass and regurgi tating their cud, our reputation suffers. It is also a health risk for fartemity pledges. These unsuspect ing freshman come to the university to be students, to have unprotected sex and drink themselves into oblivion. But how can they do this when upperclassmen members wake them up in the middle of the nights, screaming, “It’s grazing time everybody.” The sooner we take care of this problem, the sooner we can evolve into a well-respected educational institution. OKI 1)1 mm \l I'OI |< \ Staff editorials represent the opinion of some guy we (bund living in a car This person is usually wildly intoxicated and strung out on cough medicine When he is unavailable, staff editorials are written by a blindfolded rhesus monkey I'ditorial columnists are forced to write according to Dll policy. If they refuse to submit, they arc dipped in chocolate frosting and fed to wolves This policy is determined by the random calculations of a computer named 1IAL 1)1 \l) I I INK TUI l( \ The Daily I larassmenl welcomes letters from anyone who can hold a pen These lettere become DM property and will be printed at the editor's digression The editor has a bad home life and will use the opinion page to release aggresion If your letter is not printed it is probably because you are a complete moron with the writing skills of a garden slug if the DM receives letters from the same person more than thrice weekly, it reserves the right to give said letterwriter's name and address to psychiatric personnel. If lettersarc especially extreme and moronic, the Dll encourages writers to came down to the Dll and apply for an editorial position m&i _ DH snots You snotty, self-righteous wanna be journalists at the DH! I’m tired of you, your slanted news coverage, your 1 ibcral biases AND your ugly mommas. Your one-sided coverage of the Squeegee house, your obvious mock ery of the ANUS elections and your sensationalist, muckracking reports on our almighty Komhumper football teams' extracurricular activities just goes to show you’re all a bunch of jealous pugs. Everyone knows you all want to be like the rest of us, so quit acting. It’s obvious that you all have a Limbaugh-hatin’, conscrvalive bashin’, communism-promotin’, gun control-advocatin’, greck-loathin’, Cl in ton- idol izin ’, baby-k il 1 i n ’, homo sexual-adorin’,prairie dog-protectin’ agenda and I AM FED UP! Cancel my 88-ccnt subscription immediately! P.S. Gestapo. (There. I said it. It’s a policy of mine to include the word “Gestapo” in everything 1 write.) Toyed Johnston fifth-year freshman general studies Oooooh baby I’d like to slow dance with Spam Coppafecl by the light of the silvery moon. No, 1 mean it. I really, really would. Pissedoffer Winksatmen freshman genetic engineering Don’t edit me Hay stoopid. I m so sic of yousc changin my letter/.. Lcve it be. Now cvybody links Isc some kindsa moron. Jonny Jon Jonson senoir English {AS The srooern^N &ODY PHes\t>eNT i T PROMISE to Oo Absolutely N0THIW6. Give me 5o^e ISwe E'TtA KtS . - Li i ii K'm iiii I.DImu ‘Did too’ Did too. J.B. Hollow RESIDUE presidential candidate ‘Did not’ Did not. Candy Loudly VICIOUS presidential candidate Amy Schlitz Crossword Where in the world were Clavin and Knobbcs, the DH crossword and the Fur Slide today? During my 9:30 lecture class, when I decided to forget about education and look at the DH, I discovered to my dismay that there was nothing in the paper but articles. I actually had to take notes and pay attent ion in class. This upsets me great iy I am a student-fees paying student, and each semester 88 cents of my mom and dad’s money goes to fund the DH. Now, that’s a lot of bread. Though I couldn’t buy a single Sun day Weird-Herald with 88 cents, I could purchase at least a half a beer at Fluffy s. All that 1 ask for from you people is a little bitta humor, a ray of sunshine in an otherwise dreary day. And you have the gall to cut it out? So, what am I left with for my 88 cents? News?!? Sports?!? Arts & En tertainment?!? What is this crap? Students don’t care about this gar bage. They don’t want to bother with issues that may affect them, like bud get cuts, the Bored of Rejects and the Deadislaturc. Figure it out, DH. Students arc here only to bag credit hours and don’t care about the articles. Most of us buy Jon’s Notes so we can do the crossword and read Clavin in class. Wake up and smell the students. A. Pathetic junior general studies Response In response lo J.B. Hollow’s Idler (DH, March 31. 1994) concerning Robin J. Toe’s idler (DH, Dee. 6, 1993) which attacked Jason Whinckc’s Idler (DH, Feb. 23,1978) concerning a Idler written in response lo an arti cle responding to a letter written by Yu No Woo (DH, Apr. 6. 1964): Get a life. There is no way Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone. Ann L. Retentive graduate student soil science