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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1994)
Capitol dudes round up satellite campuses On Wall$treet/DH Dirt for Pinktriangle space selected From Staff Infections The Captain's cabinet worked long into the night Thursday to reach a decision on what kind of dirt would be used for Pinktriangle space. After a heated discussion, three members of the panel voted for Geor gia Red Clay, two members voted for a modified sill, and two members vot ed to deny the Daily Harassment’s 1994-95 budget increase request. Without a majority vole, the cabi net took their feud outside to test the dirt (oops, sorry Kioister) SOIL with their bare tootsies. “Ahh, this red clay is nice ” Jimmy Greaser, the student affairs guy, said. “I’m changing my vote to this stuff. Go, Big Red!, Jo-Anne Lightbulb, the academic affairs lady, was concerned how the Georgia Red Clay would hold up to a harsh Nebraska winter. “I don't think it will retain heat,” Lightbulb said. “Like the College Of Busyness Administration, it is quite chilly." The final vote appropriately came down to Ragriculture vice captain Scurv Omlette, a self-proclaimed dirt (we mean, soil) expert. Omlette voted for the modified silt and broke the deadlock. “Yeeeeeehaw,” Omlette said. “Now I can go see the movie *8 Seconds’ with all my Easter Campus students.” NUL students will learn to park, cheat next fall From Staff Retorts Uni vcTsity ofNo-Leaming students will enjoy more options when regis tering for fall classes. Squirrel Hockey,erectorofannihi lation and records, announced Tues day that NUL would be adding new courses for the 1994-95 school year. Parking Space-hunting 201 will be offered through the athletic depart ment. Students will receive three credit hours and a 5 percent discount on their 1994-95 parking permit if they suc cessfully complete the course. Driv ing gloves and hiking boots arc re quired. Friend-buying 85C, currently known as “Geek Rush," will be ex panded to include all majors and all ethnicities. Prerequisites include big hair, overpowering perfume and wealthy parents for female students; and backwards baseball caps, big egos and fast cars for male students. Sorry, incoming freshmen only. Fake I.D.’s will be supplied with the syllabus. Hockey also said NUL would offer several sections of Educational Slychology 168 — “Test Cheating: How to Pump Your GPA up to Herculean Standards." Members of the NUL Kornhumper athletic teams will serve as lecturers. Bluebooks, microscopes and two-way wrist radios arc required. By Lois Line and Clark Kant and Doug Senior Planeteers and Doug The Nebraska Deadislature ap proved Thursday a motion to bring all three NUU satellite campuses home to the city of Lickin. Sparked by student selection group CABBAGE, dcadislators passed the measure with a 36-12 vote. Gov. Ben Gelson is expected to sign the bill into law today. The former O-NO campus will move from Omama to the abandoned Sentrum in downtown Lickin. The NUU Club-Med Center will share an Easter Campus storage area with the Apollus 900 spacecraft. This area also will double as reserved student seat ing for Nebraska football games. The flUNK campus will move from Komy to the now-vacant, lcad-and asbestos filled Whatierbuilding, 22nd and Wine streets in Lickin. The move met with little opposi tion from Lickin-area dcadislators. “The University of No-Leaming always has been and always will be the flagship of the NUU system,” said Sen. LaVcm Crosbystillsandnash of Lickin. “Moving the three satellite campuses to the capitol city will be the first step in disolving their campuses. Dissolution is the only solution to the convolution of this institution... Did I ever tell you I was a Liliputian? NUL Captain Greasy Spaniel is especially happy to have the Whatier Building occupied at last. “We tried to move those stinkin’ journalism people into there a few years ago,” Spaniel said. “But now, we’ll let the lead and asbestos kill of the folks from Komy, instead.” “I will have the power.” However, Spaniel has not given up on his goal to exterminate the Daily Harassment staff. “That whole Whatier thing was Beginning Midnight Monday Komhumper-related Incidents: 9:52 a.m.—One person caught cheating on a midterm, $1. 10:02 a.m. — Fire alarm, Cainandabel Hall 12:14 p.m.— Shots fired, 17th and E streets, one arrest. 1224 p.m/— Fire alarm, Cainandabel Hafl. 5:50 p.m.—Gun found in Sloth Stadium offices, one party taken in for questioning 0 p.m. Fire alarm, Cainandabel Hal. 723 p.m. — Unlawful groping, Brass Snail Bar 724 p.m. — Player cited for being in class, $20 plus court costs 7:33 p.m. — Fire alarm, Cainandabel Hdl 8:31 p.m. — Indecent exposure, alley near Fluffy's Tavern, one officer and two dozen firemen down, one party taken into custody, one wrist-slap given. 8:41 p.m. — Fire alarm, Cainandabel Hall. 9:59 p.m. — Racoon Suit stolen, Slob Dezaney Spurts Center, $6,750.34. 1029 p.m. — Fire alarm, Cainandabel Hall 11:13 p.m. — Bike stolen, Slavery Hall, $12,435.12. -44 Moving the three satellite campuses to the capitol city will be the first step in disolving their campuses. Dissolution is the only solution to the convolution of this institution... Did I ever tell you I was a Liliputian? — Sen. LaVerne Crosbystillsandnash yy just too damn subtle,” Spaniel said. “To take take out those wcasclly paper dorks, you gotta lake the direct ap proach. I’m firing up the TNT. If those suckers won’t come out from under the the student union, l’s a gonna blow ‘cm out.” Spaniel said that the young newsies had been quite adept at avoiding his sinister advances. “Those free-writing freaks are yel low journalists,” Spaniel said. “They’re ‘yellow’ because they’re scared. I’m gonna hunt them like the rodents they arc. “The great thing about consolidat ing the campuses is that all those writers arc now in the same city.” Spaniel said. The captain then got philosophical as well as thorughly confused in his use of metaphors. “It will be like killing two birds with one bush in spilt milk under a bridge ... or however the damn thing goes,” Spaniel said. These are really boring pictures of the buildings soon to be occupied to O-NO and flUNK. These are really the buildings, the names have been changed to protect us from libel. We just wanted to see if anyone noticed. This - was pretty darned clever, huh? Police Report - 11:23 p.m. — Fire alarm, Cainandabel Hall 11:45 p.m. — Threatening calls to Daily Harassment editor 11:56 p.m. — Daily Harassment editor stolen, $9.75. 11:58 p.m. — Snooze Desk rescues DH editor. $9.75. 11:58 p.m.—(Still reading?) Fire alarm, Cainandabel Hall. Non-Komhumper related Incidents: 7:13 a.m. — Big-ass explosion, Hammertime Had, $60 9:41 a.m. — Clevin and Knobbes, Fur Skde and DH Crossword missing, $180 and 14 phone calls 10:02 ajn.—Richards Hall stolen, $5.99 11:39 a.m.—Twelve people transported to detox, assorted fraternities 12 noon p.m.—Illegal hair height, Heller Skelter Smelter sorority. 1:04 p.m. — Flush Limbaugh book sto len, NUL booksnore, no loss 2:22 p.m. — Fire alarm, Cainandabel Had Weird, huh? 4:32 p.m.—Dog explodes No fatalities, 50 people overcome by fur. 6:05 p.m. — Midgets fighting, Fluffy's Tavern 6:33 p.m. — Students grazing, Pinktriangle Space.