New ANUS prez Davis
will move show to Lickin
From the Association BenchPress
NEW YORK — The recount is
in. Davis Letterpcople is moving to
Lickin as the new ANUS student
council president at the University
of No-Learning.
ANUS president Candy Loud
ly’s election was declared invalid
last week after it was revealed he
paid ANUS selection fixer Stark
Liars to say he won. Liars still is
babbling in the ANUS office about
the arrangement.
Letterpcople said the mam fac
tor that made him decide to move to
Lickin and take the job as ANUS
president was the ANUS senate.
Lettcrpeople said the senators would
serve as a ready talent pool for the
old “stupid pet tricks” segment of
his show.
Letterpcople also said the stu
dent council’s name — ANUS —
heavily influenced his decision.
He is currently compiling top 10
lists to use in his Late, Late, Late
Show’s April Fool’s Day debut in
Lickin. He said the lists would cov
er topics such as “The top 10 re
sponses of Nebraska football play
ers after they have been arrested”
and “The top 10 real things ANUS
does.” Lettcrpeople said he was
having a hard time completing the
second list.
Not all elements of Lettcrpeoplc'S
show will make the trip to the heart
land, however. Bandleader and side
kick Bald Wafer has decided to
remain in New Yuck. Lettcrpeople
has asked ANUS first do-nothing
Trendy Stoole to stay on and take
Wafer’s place.
Since Stoole doesn’t have any
band experience, Lettcrpeople said
Stoole’smainjobassidckick would
be to fetch water and say “Gilooly”
and “Buttafuoco” on command.
“From what 1 understand, that’s
what he does now anyway,”
Lettcrpeople said. “Bark, dog.
Bark!”
Lettcrpeople said he would be
adding some new skits to his show
when it moved to Lickin. Included
in the new offerings will be
Lettcrpeople dropping in on ANUS
meetings and sections of Dan
Knee’s press conferences —
unedited.
“With those guys, who needs
writers?” Lettcrpeople asked.
But Lettcrpeople stressed that
he would take his job as ANUS
president seriously.
“I can’t wait for that free Orangy
Bowl trip,” he said.
Secret society snobs students
By Spike Screwus
Coffee Break Chief
Theta Newt Tc flon, a secret soc ic ty
of geek elites at NUL, reportedly had
to cancel their Thursday meeting be
cause they couldn’t find a room large
enough to hold their big fat egos.
A high-ranking TNT officer, who
refused to give his name and muttered
something about being too ticklish,
said the failure to find a room made
him feel “really poopy.”
“DAMMIT!” he sputtered in all
capital letters. “I mean, hell, you spend
all that time and energy climbing up
on pedestals, kissing butt till your 1 ips
are all pruny, stepping on toes, dodg
ing libel lawyers, and everything else
that goes along with being superior...
and then this happens.
“Ooooooo... Well, at least I know
the solution: an anonymous newslet
ter. Nothing solves a problem on this
campus like a few words from sopho
moric minds.”
Suddenly, in his rage, his tongue
flapping like a resume in the breeze.
he went into spasms.
“ME!” he shouted, grasping des
perately for anything even resembling
an award certificate.
“MEMEMEMEMEMEMEME!” His
head swelled up to the size of an
ANUS president’s beer gut. “ME!
MEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEMEME
MEMEMEMEEEEEEEE...”
Several of his TNT brothers ran to
his aid, but they all screeched to a halt,
crying out in pain after scraping their
noses on the ceiling.
Parking
Continued from Page 1
Wobble said the new plan was devel
oped for a number of reasons, includ
ing safety, environmental concerns,
an opportunity to exercise the “jumbo
power” of the panel and encourage
campus fitness.
Slim Hullaton, outdoor recreation
coordinator with Compost Re-crc
ation, said he whole heartily support
ed the plan.
With the dismount plan, he said,
the center will see a rapid hike in
physical fitness interest.
“I’ve always seen NUL as a bunch
of flabby bellies,” he said. “This is
going to force all of those out of shape
gas guzzlers into the weight room.”
Hullaton, expecting more than ca
pacity crowds at the rec center, said he
already had contacted administration
officials for use of the new NGorgc
phone system. Those wanting to get in
shape will have to pre-register for
time slots on a first-come, first-serve
basis.
Like MeJack, transportation cor
rector, said while no maps or rules
would be posted concerning the new
plan, he didn’t think there would be
any problems beyond the first couple
days.
“Sure it seems a little confusing at
first,” MeJack said. ‘‘But from my
experience, after you’ ve siapped them
(drivers) with a couple of hefty fines,
well, it ought to clear things up in a
jiffy.”
Candy Loudly, ANUS president
select, was the first to be caught driv
ing in the red zone.
Loudly, whose party has been tound
guilty of numerous ANUS election
violations, including offering candy
to strange children, denied any intent
to defy the plan.
“I did not willfully break the rules,”
Lumpy said. “I don’t see why this is
such a big deal. There will be a fine
levied, and I’ll pay it.”
Wobble said there would be no
forums for university personnel or
student input or reaction to the plan.
“It’s a done deal,” Wobble said.
“There’s a few quirks, sure, but noth
ing that can’t be worked out.”
Wobble said some quirks that
hadn’t been resol ved included placing
handles on the sides of internal and
‘inter-campus busing for better han
dling in the dismount zone and how to
accommodate “pushers” into the up
coming parking garage.
ANUS
Continued from Page 1
be we’ll give you one of our neat geek
house T-shirts.”
Members also shocked NUL stu
dents with cattle prods to round stu
dents up and move them towards the
polling sites.
In addition, they tore down CAB
BAGE and RESIDUE signs and re
placed them with signs promoting
Loudly saying, “Vote Loudly. Hey—
he even hasChecscrson’s first name.”
In his defense. Loudly said his
camp panicked when they heard stu
dents really didn’tgivc a rat’spatootie
and weren’t voting.
“What can I say? We freaked,”
Loudly said. “I knew then that 1 was
going to have to carry at least five,
maybe six whole percent of the stu
dent body to get elected.
The commission couldn’t hand
down anv bigger fines, Liars said,
because bullhorns and cattle prods
aren’t specifically mentioned in the
selection guidelines.
“To be perfectly honest, I’m not
really sure what the rules say,” he
said. “But ifl did. I’d follow them and
I’d lake them very seriously.”
Besides, Liars said,everyone knew
that Loudly and his VICIOUS cohorts
were hand-picked to replace outgoing
ANUS president Keith Vanish.
“I don’t sec why we just don’t give
it to them,” Liars said. “You don’t
think that a progressive dude like
(RESIDUE’S) J.B. Hollow could have
run ANUS, do you?”
Hollow, who also attended the
meeting, pointed out he wouldn ’ l have
been awarded the ANUS presidency if
Loudly would have been disqualified.
“You guys all forget that I only got
nine votes,” Hollow said as he got up
to leave.
CABBAGE’S ticket of Matt
Christlcr and Blat Finkman would
have been given the ANUS presiden
cy had the viol at ions bee n bad enough.
Christlcr expressed relief when he
found out that Loudly would remain
as president.
“Whew,” Christler said.
So did all the NUL students.
With the violations behind them.
Loudly said he would focus on real
issues that affected real students.
Namely, issues concerning his con
stituents— all of whom are members
of ANUS.
“I rcally,reallycan’twaittogct my
new nameplate,” Loudly said. “We’ll
look so professional! At 45 bucks
apiece, they’re the best ones around.
Better than the ones the Bored of
Rejects use. You bet your sweet arse!”
"I can't wait to see it at the dollar
theatres!"
Joe College, Lincoln
"My friend told me it was awesome!"
Mercy Student, Boston
"I'll definitely have to see it when it
comes out on video!"
Gary Person. Anywhere
"I didn't have money to see it!"
Gen X, Anyplace
"Ryder deserves an Oscar for acting in
hair like that! She’s astounding!"
Joey Actuallyiawit, LA
"A Brilliant Picture about our
generation...! think..."
A1 Tentative, Seattle
0: HOW DO YOU GET MILLIONS OF THE GENERATION X TO
SEE A MOVIE ABOUT THEIR GENERATION?
A: YOU DON7 AND BOMB AT THE BOX OFFICE.
i_L
—1_1_ft.
u
REALITY REALLY BLOWS
A COMEDY ABOUT ... AH LIKE YOU REALLY CARE YOU SLACKER! 11
COMINC SOONER TO HOME VIDEO THAN WE HAD HOPED
Drinking
Continued from Page 1
“I like to see the staff have a little
fun,” he said. “Good form.”
Spaniel said if he had known the
two were planning to drink that Fri
day, he would have asked them to have
a few cocktails with him before they
left the office.
“Staffs that drink together stink
together,” he said. “I was a little dis
appointed that I wasn’t invited.”
Spaniel said he would use his influ
ence to make sure Greaser and
Candyson were dealt with lightly by
the Prejudicial Bored.
“Twenty lashings with a wet noo
dle ought to do the trick,” he said.
The two also might be required to
help remove concrete chunks from the
parking lot north of the union. The lot
is being turned intopinktriangle space
to enhance the aesthetics of campus.
That punishment especially is suit
ing, Spaniel said.
“Pinktriangle space isaplacc where
all students, staff and faculty mem
bers can come together to get loopy,”
he said. “That way, we can keep alco
hol out of the geek houses.”
Spaniel said he didn’t know if the
prejudicial bored would follow his
advice, but threatened to force them to
drink Jagcrmeister shots if they re
fused.
Spaniel already has use his influ
ence to insist the Prejudicial Bored
meet early on Friday to hear the case
against the administrators.
“If those two boozing buddies want
to hit the bottle again Friday night, I’d
hate for the hearing to prevent them
from getting an early start.”
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