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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 25, 1994)
.1 w C ri si; Some pop icons lack immortality So Nancy Kerrigan is in first place going into today’s figure skating competition, and Tonya Harding is in 10th. This Skategate spectacle will, for all practical purposes, end tonight and for some people, it is none too soon. Nonetheless, CBS will enjoy a ratings bonanza. ~r~ The women’s figure skating long program is always the most-watched event of the Winter Olympics, in the United States at least. The good girl/ bad girl conflict has added dimen sions — and viewers — to tonight’s drama. Even those people sick to death of the whole affair will tune in or at least seek out the results. Tonight’s competition has been elevated to the level of a pop culture phenomenon, another example ofhow television and other entertainment media are able to manufacture refer ence points in individuals’ memories. People will tune in to build a mnemon ic device foundation upon which to build memories of where they were in February 1994. Am I losing you, faithful reader? Travel back through time with me. Who shot J.R.? We found out in No vember 1980.1 remember it was my friend Toby’s birthday, and he invited a bunch of guys over that night to build Lego castles. The day the space program faced a fatal setback? This was January 1986. I was heading upstairs to my junior high locker before third period when the people in front of me were talking about it. Many shared memories can be dis cussed when someone of Generation X mentions specific “Little House On The Prairie” or “The Dukes Of Haz ard” episodes. (Okay, the General Lee always got away. Bad example.) “Re ality Bites,” yet another supposed de fining movie of this generation, makes references to “Planet Of The Apes” and “Frampton Live,” and bonding ensues. Winona Ryder and Janeane I don’t see songs like “Nuthin’ but a G Thang” and “I’d Do Anything for Love” being claimed as the ' soundtrack to anyone’s adolescence. Garofalo dance to “My Sharona” at the Kwik E Mart. Which brings me to music — the other bonding basis of this, and every other, generation. Tuesday night on VH-1,1 was taken back to “Mickey” by Toni Basil, “Come On Eileen” by Dexy’s Midnight Runners, and “Ve nus” by Bananarama. All hail the 1980s when pop music was pop mu sic. Watch the commercials tonight for what CBS promises will be the Next World Event, the 1994 Grammys. Sorry CBS, you drew me in the last two weeks, but we cut ties after to night. I won’t be watching the Grammys. Pop music has died. We’ve entered a vacuum of memorable mu sic similar to the early 1970s. Michael Jackson is now perceived as Chester the Molester. Madonna has passed the threshhold of listenability of even her most ardent fans. Whitney Houston, Eric Clapton, and Metallica just don ’ t cut it. Pop music needs some new freaks of nature, or at least music that just cheers people up. I don’t see songs like “Nothin’ but a G Thang” and “I’d Do Anything for Love” being claimed as the soundtrack to anyone’s adolescence. My favorite hot, trashy reading, Entertainment Weekly, says pop mu sic is in search of its Next Big Thing, someone to take the music industry into the next century. OK, OK, if no ane else wants to, I’ll volunteer. September 1995 will bring the re lease of “Ran Off to Join the Circus,” ihc debut of J. Forget first names, the new trend will be just first letters. Rolling Stone gives the album five stars: “J combines gangsta rap, coun try swing and calliope music to create a melodic, eclectic masterpiece”. Performing inclownface.my world tour will feature a troupe of elephant and trained seal backup dancers, with 1 arge protests staged outside by People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals. In an effort to appease PETA and recognize my roots, I’ll change my stage name to Jaybird for my second release in April 1997, “Naked as a Jaybird.” With a well-placed, recent ly-legislated parental warning sticker from newly elected President Tipper Gore, sales will go through the roof. Rolling Stone, however, gives the re lease two and a half stars: “Jaybird succumbs to the common elements of nudity and explicit lyrics to sell a few records. What a shame.” July 1998 will mark the pinnacle of my career with a week of sold-out concerts in Memorial Stadium. Head Coach Kevin Ramaekers will give the artificial turf-wrecking shows two and a half thumbs up. After a lip-synching scandal that makes Milli Vanilli look like Mother Teresa, literally, Jaybird hangs up his oversized red shoes. So until my 15 minutes begin, I’ll be enjoying Tonya Harding’s last few seconds, especially if she skates her routine to “We Got the Beat” by the Go-Go’s. Which reminds me of the time ... Cruse Is a senior advertising major and a Daily Nebraskan columnist. Ii siin l iui stom; Intelligent idiots threaten nation It has come to my attention re cently that many people think our country is creating great prob lems for future generations. It is our responsibility to fix these problems before they become too large to solve. The ever-increasing national debt is often blamed for ruining our econ omy. Violent crimes are said to be on the increase, along with alcohol and drug abuse. It seems like everyone thinks our health care system needs restructuring. I, however, have seen through all of these problems and found their one true source: idiots. Yes, the greatest threat to our coun try is the enormous population of idi ots within its borders who cause prob lems for everyone else. These aren’t just any idiots, though. These idiots are intelligent and must be stopped at any cost. For instance, the idiots know when I’m in a hurry on campus. I don’ t want to spend any more time on campus than I have to, but idiots always im pede my progress. They band togeth er, walking slowly in a huge group in front of me. I can’t get around them, and I can’t go through them, so I become part of the group. Once inside the group, I have a chance to hear what they talk about. “Gee, this weather sucks.” “Yeah, it’s cold out.” “Look, snow!” This prompts me to enter the con versation with: “You know, it is win ter, and it’s usually cold this time of year.” They stare at me because they know I don’t belong in their group. I said something that wasn’t idiotic, and I am obviously not an idiot. Idiots also like to congregate in the middle of a hallway or on a flight of stairs. Other idiots you might encounter on campus seem to be attracted to the Nebraska Union. Usually they want you to take some coupons from them The scariest idiots are the “vidiots.” These are the idiots who are still trying to find the “Minus World” in Super Mario Bros. or read propaganda about saving the planet. I vividly recall hundreds of envi ronmental pamphlets strewn about campus. Not only were these a waste of paper, but they were littering an otherwise spotless campus. The most interesting idiot, of course, is “Brother Jed,” the man whose goal in life is to yell at college students walking by Broyhill Foun tain. At least he only visits yearly. Idiots, of course, can be found on the town and at home, too. They seem to be attracted to the movie theaters and performance halls. I attended “Porgy and Bess” Satur day night and was completely sur rounded by idiots. A young lady be hind me was ever-so observant when she noticed that the detective was a white man. That s a white man. That’s a white man!” she whispered to her date. Yes indeed, she had the amazing ability to deduce the detective’s race from a distance. Like I said, these are smart idiots. She talked throughout the perfor mance, paying no attention, and for some reason, she had to ask her date what was happening plotwise. In front of me, a group of three people insisted on laughing through out the show. There were funny parts, but I’m not sure Gershwin wanted the audience to react with laughter when someone was murdered. It took great constraint and effort on my part to avoid smacking them upside the head repeatedly with my program. At the movies, it always seems like I sit near someone who asks my friends and me if we’re going to talk through the whole movie. They usually ask this during the opening trailers and credits. Then as we watch the actual movie quietly, they grunt a lot and say “oh, good” whenever anything hap pens. These are no doubt the same idiots who keep the “Star Trek Hour” on the home shopping networks in business. No normal person would want a plaque of Scotty with James Doohan’s signa ture or the “Star Trek” chess set with hand-carved pewter figurines. I'm pretty sure these are the same people responsible for the amazing success of the Ray Stevens and Victor Borge videos. The scariest idiots are the “ vidiots. These are the idiots who are still try ing to find the “Minus World” in Super Mario Bros. Maybe you’ll see them in the Union trying to perform Shang Tsung’s Sub-Zero fatality on Mortal Kombal II. Vidiots buy brand new $1,000 computers simply to run the latest video games on them. Idiots may be everywhere, but with time and proper training, we can teach them to be normal. We can convince them that “Star Wars” is much better than “Star Trek,” and maybe we can convince them to let us play their neat computer games sometime. Flreitoae ii a lopkomore economics ma jor aid a Dally Nebraikaa columalst. Women aged 16-24 have 4 limes higher risk ol I)einraped than an\ oilier population group. Rape & Sexual Assault Awareness Week Feb. 21-25 Thanks to the following contributors to Rape ft Sexual Assault ASUN Awareness Week: Academic Senate Alpha Delta Pi Sorority Alpha Gamma Sigma Fraternity Alpha XI Delta Sorority - s-,, The Chancellor's Office Farmhouse Fraternity Friends of CCSW Gamma Phi Beta Sorority NE Union Board UNL Police Interfratemity Council Kappa Alpha Theta Sorority Kappa Delta Sorority Panhellenic Council PI Beta Phi Sorority Sigma Phi Epsilon Fraternity Sigma Nu Fraternity University Program Council University’ Foundatons Women’s Center The University Program Council invites you to experience ONE OF THE BEST FILMS OF THE YEAR THt HHIRDRfSSfR'S HUSBAND ft film by Patrice Leconte The HAIRDRESSER S HUSBAND Mary Riepma Ross Film Theater February 27, 1994 Times: 2:30p.m. $3 UNL Students 4:45p.m. $5 General Public 7:00p.m. International Films Series 9:15p.m. For more information call 472-8146 or call The UPC Even# AMERICAN PROGRAM BUREAU Presents a LMNG THE DREAM. INC. Productions of: pikat fllout Unlock piomyk 1 February 27, 1994 7:30pm } Nebraska Union Ballroom UNL Students - Free Public - $3 It’s da taste. | Ham sj Hoagie $198 Call for Quick Pick Up 434-7065 NO COUPON NECFSSARY INSTORE AT 13TH&G0NIY