.li s i in l iki s iom:
Free Computer
'Classes!
Away wit annoying speling rulz
The Computing Resource Center is offering free
microcomputer classes to UNL students. The classes will
feature an introduction to Microsoft Word for the
Macintosh and WordPerfect for IBM machines. No
reservations are required.
Introduction to WordPerfect for IBM
Thursday, February 24 1:30 - 3:00 Sandoz lab
Introduction to Microsoft Word for Macintosh
Thursday, February 24 3:30 - 4:30 Andrews Hall lab
Thursday, March 3 3:00 - 4:00 Andrews Hall lab
While watching “Oprah,” I
enjoy eating an afternoon
snack. One of my favorites
is cheese and crackers. But the all
time best snack isCheez ‘n’ Crackers,
the Kraft version of cheese and crack
ers.
The last time I ate Cheez ‘n’ Crack
ers, I looked at the wrapper and no
ticed the childish yet classy misspell
ing of “cheese.” First 1 thought maybe
Kraft forgot to run the spell-check
program. Then I thought that in that
simple misspelling of “cheese” was
the solution to everyone’s problem
with spelling.
Phonetic spelling would solve ev
eryone’s spelling problems. Advertis
ers do it already, so why can’t we
simple folk join in the fun?
I’m sure you’ve eaten “cheez” of
some kind: either Cheez ‘n’ Crackers
or Cheez Wiz. For breakfast, you’ve
no doubt had some kind of “krispy”
cereal, and you’ve probably had “lite”
margarine or “lo-fat” milk at “nite.”
That’s just the beginning of the fun
you can have with phonetic spelling.
Imagine all the time you could save
because you wouldn’t need to look in
a dictionary for the proper spelling of
a word.
Another bonus is that your profes
sors wouldn’ t be able to takepoints off
of your papers because of spelling
errors. They would only be able to
grade you on the substance of your
paper. Professors might even give you
extra points for really creative spell
ings.
For instance, I’ve always thought
the word “neat” should be spelled
“neet.” The word “really” could be
spelled “reely.” Thus, “really neat”
becomes “reely neet.” When you read
“reely neet,” you know that I mean
“really neat,” but I didn’t have to
worry about spelling, and “reely neet”
is more fun to read, isn’t it?
• Longer or more difficult words are
easily spelled phonetically. Take the
For breakfast, you’ve no doubt
had some kind of “krispy” cereal,
and you’ve probably had “life”
margarine or “lo-fat” milk at
“nite.”
word “automobile.” Phonetically, this
is effortlessly spelled as “otomobeel
I guarantee you I didn ’ t look up how to
spell “otomobeel,” saving myself a lot
of time.
With phonetic spelling, you’d fi
nally be able to spell those complex
medical terms. Forget the dictionary
when spelling “elephantiasis.” It’s
spelled “ellifantiasiss.”
Now, if you’re willing to start spell
ing phonetically, the next logical step
is to dispense with proper grammar.
Grammar is difficult to learn, so why
bother? Again, this is something that
is done already.
People always say they “did good.”
This is grammatically incorrect since
“good” is an adjective, not an adverb.
Correctly, someone does a good job
well.
Like looking up proper spell ings in
a dictionary, checking grammar can
become tedious. It would be so much
easier to just forget grammar alto
gether.
Take this sentence, for example:
“It is really neat to eat cheese.” With
out proper grammar, this sentence
becomes: “It really neat to eat cheese.”
Without proper spelling, it becomes:
“It reely neet to cet cheez.”
You still know “It reely neet to eet
cheez” means “It is really neat to eat
cheese,” but it took almost no time or
effort to write the improper sentence.
I could write twice as many improper
sentences as proper ones, and there
would be almost no stress put upon
me.
This technique could revolutionize
essays, books and newspapers. Imag
ine how quickly books could be puo
lished and written. Imagine never
having to revise a paper for a class.
If you still aren’t convinced the
technique would work wonders, real
ize it promotes a more sound environ
ment. Tons of papers are thrown away
each year just because they have typo
graphical errors on them. That classic
scene of an author with a wastepaper
basket filled with crumpled wads of
paper would become a thing of the
past.
Since English classes are supposed
to teach proper grammar, English re
quirements could be eliminated. That
would mean more time to watch
“Oprah.”
Even though all of these benefits
are great, the greatest benefit of pho
netic spelling and the dispensing of
grammar is that there wouldn’t be any
annoying people around to constantly
correct you.
You* 11 never hear anyone say, “You
mean youdid well, not good,” or “ You
mean for whom, not for who.”
It will no doubt take a lot of time
and effort to persuade everyone to
forget spelling and grammar, but it
can be done. After all, we are begin
ning to convert to metric measure
ments, and no one thought that would
ever happen.
Firestone if a sophomore economics ma
jor and a Daily Nebraikaa columnist.
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Sexploitation nondiscriminatory
Some of the females 1 work with
were whipping themselves into
a frenzy Wednesday. What
could possibly have taken precedence
over an evening of all-new “90210”
and “Melrose Place” episodes?
Male strippers.
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, it’s
sweeps week here at the Daily Nebras
kan, and I’m doing the obligatory
column on strippers to increase rat
ings. Greg Kinnear will provide high
lights on “Talk Soup” later tonight!
To my fellow Generation X men, a
warning: The shoe is now on the other
large foot. It looks like it’s our turn to
be treated as sex objects.
I’m not just talking about the om
nipresent strip shows lately: Colorado
Centerfolds, North Coast Calendar
Men and Men of Copper. However,
this is a good place to start.
One female who had night class
wished she could have gone, and an
other who was in that dreaded condi
tion — a minor without a fake ID —
instructed the lucky few to take vari
ous unscrupulous Polaroids.
The morning after, one co-worker
reported she was disappointed with
the whole production.
This is just one of several recent
examples of men reduced to slabs of
meat. Has anyone had the misfortune
of seeing that construction worker
Diet Coke commercial in between luge
runs on the Winter Olympics this
week?
(Did you know that construction
worker went to high school in little ol ’
Lincoln, Nebraska? Isn’t that spe
cial?)
If this commercial causes women
to buy Diet Coke, expect many more
lurid examples.
Perhaps the most disturbing devel
opment was in that most popular mon
itor of political correctness, also known
as the 30th Annual Sports Illustrated
Swimsuit Issue. This year they includ
Male beauty has become a
thriving industry. Ed McMahon
now introduces swimsuit videos
of male spokesmodels on “Star
Search.”
ed a female swimmer who had won
four Olympic gold medals.
This was in response to the com
plaint that Sports Illustrated features
models instead of athletes. And in
response to the complaint that there
were previously no men: Voila, four
members of the U.S. water polo team
strut their stuff in Speedo marble
pouches.
If we are being truly honest, the
men’s pictures pale in comparison to
the provocativeness of Elle, Kathy,
Angie and Vendela.
Please don’t misinterpret this as
another whiny white man column —
“Woe is me. The world that used to be
my oyster, I’m now expected to share,
and I don’t want to.”
Quite the contrary. I think most
men can find humor in the whole
situation. Male beauty has become a
thriving industry. Ed McMahon now
introduces swimsuit videos of male
spokesmodels on “Star Search.”
Men’s fitness magazines are adime
a dozen. MTV’s most-played video is
“Whatta Man,” the latest ditty from
Salt-N-Pepa.
And with thewomenofGeneration
X earning more than their predeces
sors, they have money and power back
ing up their requirements of men —
the same requirements that men have
been making since the beginning of
time: Shape up or ship out.
Women aren’t dependent on a man
to bring home the bacon anymore. If
you want to catch one, you’ve got to be
a man of the ’90s, and that includes
working out.
Everyone would like to be fit and
trim, lean and mean. We’d live longer
and all that good stuff. And let’s not
forget, in our society, to be attractive
is to be loved.
It’s just that sometimes the desire
to work out is in inverse proportion to
the number of Dickie V. games on
ESPN. Sure, eating healthy is a good
thing, but I like my prime rib and ice
cream. Men are being asked to sacri
fice these small pleasures in search of
a slimmer waistline.
To all who complained of the pre
vious exclusive exploitation of wom
en, things have changed. For better or
worse, exploitation is now eaual.
Now our society faces a decision.
Will we see this as fair treatment and
continue to exploit equally? Or will
we advance to a higher plane and start
buying Diet Coke just because it tastes
good? Will we start going to the bars
to watch members of the opposite sex
read poetry or recite 1990 census re
sults?
This guv’s betting money is on the
former. After all, sex sells. As long as
humans procreate in the present man
ner, it will continue to drive society.
No use arguing about it. For what it s
worth, men and women now get the
same objectifying treatment. It gives
the talk shows twice as many trashy
topics as before.
Cruse Is ■ seelor advertising Major tad a
Daily Nabraskaa coluMalst.
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