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Amy Schmidt/DN
Sociologists report that jU percent
of U.S. marriages now end in divorce
— a bleak figure for engaged and
newly-married couples. But pre-mar
riage counseling, offered by most lo
cal churches and synagogues, is try
ing to change those statistics.
Newlyweds Jeff and Tami Keller,
who took pre-marriage classes and
were recently married, agreed the
conferences were beneficial for en
44
gaged couples.
I think it’s so each person gets a
better understanding of all the dif
ferent issues involved in getting mar
ried.” said Tami. a UNL senior ma
ing in recreation management.
“They just want to make sure
u’re compatible,” said her husband
f, a University of Nebraska alumni
and law school student.
They want to be sure you
know this is permanent,
that this is a one time
deal.
The classes were di
rected by Tami’s
Catholic priest in her
hometown of Nio
brara.
The conferences fa
miliarized them with
the priest, Tami said, and were espe
cially beneficial for Jeff, who was of
the Lutheran faith.
“That way (my priest) got to know
Jeff better. It made the ceremony
more enjoyable,” she said.
Jeff said the priest put him at ease
by making the classes interesting.
“He wasn’t an old school priest,
Kellers said the classes did help them
understand their relationship better.
“It made us think,” Tami said.
Jeff said the classes would be
beneficial to couples who didn’t
communicate as well as they did.
“There were questions about
would you forgive your spouse if he
or she had an extra-marital affair,”
ne was a young guy.
You didn’t talk
about boring stuff,”
he said, “you talked
about sexual issues
too.”
Initially, Tami
wasn’t as calm as
her husband.
“I was nervous at
first, but once we
got into it, it was
completely normal
and natural,” she
said.
Along with the
- M
Theyjust want to
make sure you ’re
compatible. They
want to be sure you
know this is
permanent, that this
is a one time deal.
— Keller
Nebraska law school
student
-ff •
ne saia. 11 s good
to get these is
sues discussed
before marriage,
Jeff said.
“The priest
pulled things out
of us that we
wouldn’t have
normally dis
cussed,” he said.
Religious lead
ers from Omaha
and Lincoln who
direct pre-marital
counseling ses
conferences, Tami and Jeff each took
a 200-question test, which asked
them questions ranging from religion
and finances to sexuality and chil
dren.
The test reveals strengths and
weaknesses in the couple’s relation
ship.
“In the finances section it would
say ‘me and my spouse disagree on
how we spend money.’ There’s one
about how you will handle argu
ments, family values,” he said.
By taking the test, Jeff and Tami
realized that finances were a sore
spot for them.
“I believe in saving and invest
ing,” he said. “I’m more long-term
oriented.”
"While, it she had a dollar, she’d
spend it,” he laughingly said refer
ring to his new wife. <
Tami agreed that she is a spender.
“I’m getting better, though,” she
said. “The priest even asked me if
shopping filled a void in my life.”
Jeff said he was surprised about
the questions concerning sexuality.
“Considering it was a Catholic
church and you weren’t married yet,
that really surprised me,” Jeff said.
Tami said the questions made her
think about children.
“Normally, you kind of talk about
it a little bit, but you don’t get in
depth because you think, oh, it’s five
years down the road or whatever,”
she said. “It goes deeper than just
’How many kids do you want to
have?’”
Apparently, Jeff and Tami knew
each other well because they said
they didn’t discover anything shock
ing about each other. However, the
sions stressed their importance in es
tablishing a solid marriage.
The Rev. Michael Chaffee of Holy
Savior Lutheran Church in Lincoln
said his counseling sessions 'ised the
“Prepare-Enrich” series of tests to de
termine strengths and growth areas
in a relationship. The program started
nearly 20 years ago because of the
high incidents of marital breakups.
“We have a great success rate with
them,” Chaffee said. “They develop
a repertoire with the clergyman so
they’ll talk with him now instead of
talking to a divorce lawyer three
years down the line.”
He said the computer scored tests
asked questions like “Who will take
the leadership role in the family?
How will you spend leisure time?”
and “Do you feel comfortable being
naked with one another?”
haffee said some of the
questions may seem a little
awkward.
You’d run the gammet where
people didn’t feel comfortable talk
ing about sex,” he said. Tensions
ease after the couple establishes a
repertoire with the minister, he said.
Id throw questions out to see
how they’d react,” he said. ‘‘It’s like
id wear the referee shirt and blow
tne whistle. They could use this con
flict to grow together.”
Chaffee said some of the conflicts
at “PPcared on the inventory test
surprised the couples. It raised issues
they never debated before.
. 77)6 conferences differ from test
ed C<jUp CS to focusing on the indir
Pastor Bill Yeag<
Westminster Presbyteria
Lincoln said his conferen
as much information-ba
were focused on how pc
touch with their own egc
Yeager said God must
the marriage. To help cc
ize the importance of G
marriage, Yeager said he
sages from the Bible an<
what role God will play
riage.
Yeager, who presides
weddings a year, said ii
people need to feel love a
tion, and they can do this
standing themselves.
“You have to ask, ‘Can
individual feel love and ci
love?’” he said. “What ev
wants is intimacy, more t
cal intimacy.”
Yeager said couples mi
ing to give 100 percent tc
tionships because too mar
women make marriage c
“working arrangement.”
“You must be able to
more whole and completi
son because I am commit
person,’” Yeager said. Co
to faithfulness, fidelity and
be discussed, he said.
“You chose this persor
do us part,” he said, “not
and see if it works.” Yeag
number of tests and co
could guarantee
how a marriage
would turn out.
“Nobody’s per
fect and you can’t
expect perfection,”
he said.
Yeager said he
received a positive
response from the
couples he coun
seled.
4
Yo
pe
us
an
ii triggers a 101
of conversation,” he said. ‘
it with personal relation
spend a lot of time on the
or physical side, or how to
in-laws. I focus on how I
and my own individual ne
Yeager said counselir
couples open up to each ot
cuss their needs, strengths i
nesses. “If you’re not will
come vulnerable in love,
no reasons of getting ma
said.
Although vulnerability
important, communicatioi
vital tool.
Father Paul Witt of S
Catholic Church in Linco
