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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 14, 1994)
tl a tavlgne p> all the i°yS-“„”t lth VA nf planning a Qfjtf baasjes °f Primes W «l ”c.s >°st in ,he the teal meaning g shuffle Amy Schmidt/DN Sociologists report that jU percent of U.S. marriages now end in divorce — a bleak figure for engaged and newly-married couples. But pre-mar riage counseling, offered by most lo cal churches and synagogues, is try ing to change those statistics. Newlyweds Jeff and Tami Keller, who took pre-marriage classes and were recently married, agreed the conferences were beneficial for en 44 gaged couples. I think it’s so each person gets a better understanding of all the dif ferent issues involved in getting mar ried.” said Tami. a UNL senior ma ing in recreation management. “They just want to make sure u’re compatible,” said her husband f, a University of Nebraska alumni and law school student. They want to be sure you know this is permanent, that this is a one time deal. The classes were di rected by Tami’s Catholic priest in her hometown of Nio brara. The conferences fa miliarized them with the priest, Tami said, and were espe cially beneficial for Jeff, who was of the Lutheran faith. “That way (my priest) got to know Jeff better. It made the ceremony more enjoyable,” she said. Jeff said the priest put him at ease by making the classes interesting. “He wasn’t an old school priest, Kellers said the classes did help them understand their relationship better. “It made us think,” Tami said. Jeff said the classes would be beneficial to couples who didn’t communicate as well as they did. “There were questions about would you forgive your spouse if he or she had an extra-marital affair,” ne was a young guy. You didn’t talk about boring stuff,” he said, “you talked about sexual issues too.” Initially, Tami wasn’t as calm as her husband. “I was nervous at first, but once we got into it, it was completely normal and natural,” she said. Along with the - M Theyjust want to make sure you ’re compatible. They want to be sure you know this is permanent, that this is a one time deal. — Keller Nebraska law school student -ff • ne saia. 11 s good to get these is sues discussed before marriage, Jeff said. “The priest pulled things out of us that we wouldn’t have normally dis cussed,” he said. Religious lead ers from Omaha and Lincoln who direct pre-marital counseling ses conferences, Tami and Jeff each took a 200-question test, which asked them questions ranging from religion and finances to sexuality and chil dren. The test reveals strengths and weaknesses in the couple’s relation ship. “In the finances section it would say ‘me and my spouse disagree on how we spend money.’ There’s one about how you will handle argu ments, family values,” he said. By taking the test, Jeff and Tami realized that finances were a sore spot for them. “I believe in saving and invest ing,” he said. “I’m more long-term oriented.” "While, it she had a dollar, she’d spend it,” he laughingly said refer ring to his new wife. < Tami agreed that she is a spender. “I’m getting better, though,” she said. “The priest even asked me if shopping filled a void in my life.” Jeff said he was surprised about the questions concerning sexuality. “Considering it was a Catholic church and you weren’t married yet, that really surprised me,” Jeff said. Tami said the questions made her think about children. “Normally, you kind of talk about it a little bit, but you don’t get in depth because you think, oh, it’s five years down the road or whatever,” she said. “It goes deeper than just ’How many kids do you want to have?’” Apparently, Jeff and Tami knew each other well because they said they didn’t discover anything shock ing about each other. However, the sions stressed their importance in es tablishing a solid marriage. The Rev. Michael Chaffee of Holy Savior Lutheran Church in Lincoln said his counseling sessions 'ised the “Prepare-Enrich” series of tests to de termine strengths and growth areas in a relationship. The program started nearly 20 years ago because of the high incidents of marital breakups. “We have a great success rate with them,” Chaffee said. “They develop a repertoire with the clergyman so they’ll talk with him now instead of talking to a divorce lawyer three years down the line.” He said the computer scored tests asked questions like “Who will take the leadership role in the family? How will you spend leisure time?” and “Do you feel comfortable being naked with one another?” haffee said some of the questions may seem a little awkward. You’d run the gammet where people didn’t feel comfortable talk ing about sex,” he said. Tensions ease after the couple establishes a repertoire with the minister, he said. Id throw questions out to see how they’d react,” he said. ‘‘It’s like id wear the referee shirt and blow tne whistle. They could use this con flict to grow together.” Chaffee said some of the conflicts at “PPcared on the inventory test surprised the couples. It raised issues they never debated before. . 77)6 conferences differ from test ed C<jUp CS to focusing on the indir Pastor Bill Yeag< Westminster Presbyteria Lincoln said his conferen as much information-ba were focused on how pc touch with their own egc Yeager said God must the marriage. To help cc ize the importance of G marriage, Yeager said he sages from the Bible an< what role God will play riage. Yeager, who presides weddings a year, said ii people need to feel love a tion, and they can do this standing themselves. “You have to ask, ‘Can individual feel love and ci love?’” he said. “What ev wants is intimacy, more t cal intimacy.” Yeager said couples mi ing to give 100 percent tc tionships because too mar women make marriage c “working arrangement.” “You must be able to more whole and completi son because I am commit person,’” Yeager said. Co to faithfulness, fidelity and be discussed, he said. “You chose this persor do us part,” he said, “not and see if it works.” Yeag number of tests and co could guarantee how a marriage would turn out. “Nobody’s per fect and you can’t expect perfection,” he said. Yeager said he received a positive response from the couples he coun seled. 4 Yo pe us an ii triggers a 101 of conversation,” he said. ‘ it with personal relation spend a lot of time on the or physical side, or how to in-laws. I focus on how I and my own individual ne Yeager said counselir couples open up to each ot cuss their needs, strengths i nesses. “If you’re not will come vulnerable in love, no reasons of getting ma said. Although vulnerability important, communicatioi vital tool. Father Paul Witt of S Catholic Church in Linco