-1 I
Governor starts wave of future
Ben Nelson waved to me the
other night.
He was standing across the
street from me in a tiny little shack in
his front yard with his wife, Mrs. Ben
Nelson. 1 waved back. He waved again.
I waved back; he waved again.
Damn friendly state official, I
thought, as he continued to wave.
Mrs. Nelson smiled and petted a cat.
1 crossed the street to say “hi.” It
seemed as though Nelson was waving
me over.
The closer 1 got, the more suspi
cious I became. The governor didn’t
quite seem himself. The stupid grin,
the constant waving, the fact that he
was standing in a shack with his wife
and a Christmas tree — something
aiun i seem rigni.
I put my face up to the Plexiglas
separating me from my governor.
Slowly, it dawned on me. This wasn’t
Ben Nelson at all. It was all a fake. Or
was I the fake, I thought with horror.
But I knew this couldn’t really be
the governor. I’d seen the governor on
occasion in my official capacity of
news hound, and I knew there was a
difference somewhere.
Then it came to me: The hair on
this mechanical mannequin, this au
tomaton, this wildly waving liar,
wasn’t perfect enough to be Ben
Nelson’s hair. Every strand on
Nelson’s head is individually num
bered and reconstructed each morn
ing by inmates from the state prison.
That hair has a life of its own, even
pitching in advice when the governor
has a tough decision.
I didn’t know much about the gov
ernor’s wife, so I wasn’t sure if that
was her or not. The dog and cat could
be the real dog and cat. But that
Nelson was not my Nelson.
A couple of days later, I read a
newspaper article that set me straight.
The waving Ben was a Christmas
display, it said — a mechanical man
nequin dressed in 1800s clothing.
“The intent is to have a homey look
of the governor and first lady sitting
by the fireplace waving at the kids as
they go by,” Shirley Hart Arthur,
Every strand on Nelson’s head
is individually numbered and
reconstructed each morning by
inmates from the state prison.
mansion director, was quoted as say
ing.
Apparently, the odd little shack
was donated by a state senator. It
seems like a strange idea, to set up a
fake self in front of your house to
wave to people. Strange, and scary.
I suppose it’s just another example
of how our society is becoming less
and less human. We have answering
machines to talk to people we don’t
want to talk to, our computers run out
holiday form letters so we don’t have
to write to people, and now we have
mechanical men to wave to people we
don’t feel like waving to in person.
The only trouble is that Ben’s shack
is kind of bulky for day-to-day use,
but technology will solve that prob
lem. Soon you’ll be able to carry
around a little shaky hand to wave to
people on the street while you contin
ue on your way, looking at your feet.
During the holidays, though, peo
ple might go to the work of dragging
out the whole shebang, propping them
selves up in the yard and turning the
wave button to “on.” Then families
will drive around town, watching ev
eryone wave at everyone else. A hol
iday tradition is born in the gover
nor’s front yard.
Families with growing children
would be hard-pressed to buy new
mannequins each year. Little kids
would probably want flashy 'quins
with light-up eyes and punching ac
tion. Older children would worry about
what their friends’ wavers looked like,
and whether their fake jeans fit well.
Competitive neighborhoods will
be interesting to watch when the man
nequin craze takes hold. Once, houses
used to battle each Christmas to sec
who could set out the most wooden
reindeer, the biggest nativity scene or
the largest number oflights.
In the category of mechanical wa
ver, these types of holiday contests
will be decided in two variables: speed
of wave and sheer size. With more
money, you’ll be able to show your
holiday spirit with a mannequin that
can wave to more people per hour
than any other, waving faster than the
human eye can see.
But for the man who started it all,
Ben Nelson, the robots provide the
added benefit of a year-round stand
in for political appearances. If Ben
doesn’t feel like campaigning at some
charity event, he can just send the
fiberglass governor. Once-demand
ing photo ops with foreign trade offi
cials are a snap for the robotic Nelson.
For those soup kitchen sessions on
Thanksgiving, Ben could just set the
wave to “ladle” mode.
Plus, the fake governor will never
slip up in front of a grueling press
conference. Never would the non
Nelson say something embarrassing
or politically damaging — he’d just
smile and wave.
“Gov. Nelson, what went wrong
with yourhairtoday?”arcportcr might
ask.
“Wave,” the mannequin would
respond. “Wave, wave, wave. And
Merry Christmas.”
Phelps is a senior news-editorial major
and a Daily Nebraskan columnist.
-- I ”
Random thoughts on year, kids
This is my last column.
I thoughtlastweek’swasiny
last one, so after this one, no
more.
Because this is my last opportunity
to write what I want, I thought I’d
make some observations, thoughts and
ideas public.
Is it me, or have you noticed most
people in the art department wear
sandals?
And how ‘bout those Huskcrs.
Orange Bowl prediction: FSU 21, NU
7. Once again, the quest for a bowl
win continues.
Green space: Who cares?
Student regents going to the Or
ange Bowl: I don’t see why they really
need to go. I mean, just what do
student regents do that they rate the
same perks as the bigwigs, like being
flown to Miami.
The Ideal: What Ideal? Where did
it go? Not that I miss it; 1 like a good
laugh.
Pay increases for athletic depart
mcntofficials: What?! You mean they
actually deserve pay raises higher than
some people on this campus who ac
tually do something to better students?
The athletic department’s concern
that they may lose one meal that the
athletes — oops, I mean student-ath
letes— receive at the training table:
Gee, that’s too bad that these STU
DENT-athletes might have to be treat
ed like the rest of us.
Travis Fox and Barney bashing: I
hope the media attention was worth it.
When your children ask you what you
did in college, you can tell them you
helped beat up a stuffed animal. Neat
accomplishment for the oP resume,
huh, Travis.
Fraternity hazing: Oooops.
ASUN elections: Is it that time ol
the year again?
Grunge rock: I guess today’s youth
need something to listen to. Too bad
it’s not very interesting.
Rush Limbaugh and Howard Stern:
Equal wastes of air time.
Now, I know many students
probably don't understand or
appreciate what I've said about
my son and daughter. But I'm a
believer in writing what you
know about. And I know my kids,
so I write about them.
Pro sports: Rafael Palmeiro is of
fered $26 million over five years to
play for the Texas Rangers. TWEN
TY-SIX MILLION DOLLARS! And
it’s not enough. Please kill me now;
I’ve seen it all.
The Associated Press sportswrit
ers’ poll: Sports and-politics don’t
mix.
Business, both big and little: What
ever happened to caring more about
your employees and a 1 ittlc less about
profit and bottom line?
Bill Clinton, Newt Gingrich, Bob
Packwood: The Good, The Bad and
The Homy.
Okay, I guess that’s enough. What
else can I say? If I missed anyone, I’m
sorry.
I ’ 11 move on to another subject. My
kids.
Now, I know many students prob
ably don’t understand or appreciate
what I’ve said about my son and daugh
ter. But I’m a believer in writing what
you know about. And 1 know my kids,
so 1 write about them.
With this being the Christmas sea
son, my daughter is becoming aware
of Santa Claus. I will always remem
ber the other night.
A neighbor had Santa over for a
party. As my wife, son, daughter and
I were walking home, Alley kept call
ing for Santa.
“Whcrc’d Santa go?” she asked.
It was cute, her walking out ahead
of us yelling for Santa. Even when we
got home, sne opened the garage door
and called for Santa.
Though I still think Christmas is a
hassle and has turned into a really big
commercial venture for businesses,
I’ll always remember what she did
and the feeling I had watching her.
My son Aaron had his six-month
checkup last week. He weighed in at
20 pounds, 7 ounces and was 29 inch
es long. The doctor said his size was
great, if he was a 1-year-old. He’s
going to be big.
My only thought was “football
scholarship.” College is taken care of.
Right now, my main goal in life is
to provide for my family. That is my
focus. Everything I do, I have that one
end in mind. 1 want to give my chil
dren the kind of upbringing that I
received. Anything less is unaccept
able.
I may struggle to get there, but 1
know I’ll reach that goal. My writing
about my kids this semester has been
important to no one but me. They arc
my life.
These columns have been my way
of leaving something for them when
they get older.
When the big show is over for me,
I want my kids to be able to show their
kids what their grandpa thought about
them in the first few years of their life.
It’s been fun. And the road ahead
looks to be even more exciting.
Wright I* a graduate itudeat In Journal
ism and a Dally Nebraskan columnist.
-—
T tam
