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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Dec. 6, 1993)
Infatuation crushes hearts By DeDra Janssen Staff Reporter icky Kovar’s heart was broken. At the innocent age of 6, Kovar, now a senior English major at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, first felt the seething pain of heartbreak when the boy she had a crush on lent his heart to another. But it’s hard for a six-ycar-old mortal to compete with a mermaid. Kovar’s heart was broken by Marine Boy, a cartoon character who she said looked like a Japanese "Speed Racer.^ “1 w as really jealous when he started dating a mermaid,” Kovar said. “They rode ofTon their sea horses together.” According to Gary Gollner, a psychiatric social worker at the University Health Center, crushes arc a normal and necessary part of grow ing up, and so then, arc broken hearts. That is why they arc called crushes. But Gollner warned that crushes aren’t meant to be taken seriously. “Have a crush,” Gollner said. “Have a crush on whomever you want. It’s a wonder fully addictive feeling.” Gollner said people needed to experience crushes before they could get their feet on the ground. I would never discourage the feeling, but don’t make more of it than it is, and if you do, have the courtesy to tell the other person what’s on your mind,” he said. Gollner said three elements must be present for a person to develop a crush. Loneliness is the first element, he said. “It’s the kind of loneliness you feel when you’re in a room full of people who should care, but don’t,” Gollner said. “There’s a physical sense that goes along with feeling lonely in the presence of people.” Sexual attraction is the second element. “That’s ‘sexual’ with a little ‘s,’ not a big ‘s,’” Gollner said. “It’s a false physiological response in the presence of someone else.” This element is often referred to as ‘chemistry,’ he said. Gollner said the third element is the “kicker.” It occurs when the object of one’s affections is forbidden. Extramarital affairs are classic examples, , he said. If the forbidden element in the relationship is taken away, the infatuated couple usually falls out of love, Gollner said. “Romantic love is associated with a crush. All this stuff is illusionary — it’s smoke and mirrors.” Gollner said crushes could become dangerous when people didn’t recognize them as illusionary love. “If we get caught up in our illusions we are setting ourselves up for no end of tragedy,” he said. The trouble begins when the person who has a crush presumes that the object of his or her affection must return the feeling. “Don’t presume on the basis of your love that you are entitled to reciprocation,” Gollner said. “At the very least you’ll get rejected good and hard.” Junior Lisa Hayford knows just how hard it can be. As a freshman, Hayford let a crush alter her schedule and her state of mind. A communications studies major from Omaha, Hayford had a crush on someone who lived in her residence hall. She knew exactly when he ate dinner, and adjusted her eating habits accordingly. “I would freak out if my friends weren’t ready for dinner at the time he ate,” Hayford said. “1 would pout all night because we missed him.” Hayford said she went to great lengths to make sure she didn’t miss him at dinner. "All this stuff is illusionary - it’s smoke and mirrors. ” If he wasn t there by the time I was done eating, I would make my friends sit there and wait for like an hour,” she said. Though he flirted with her sometimes. Hayford said she knew he would never ask her out. That knowledge often would affect Hayford’s mood. “I’d get depressed if he didn’t talk to me that day,” she said. “Then the next day he’d talk to me, and 1 was immediately happy again. I’d say ‘Someday I know he’ll want me.’” But Hayford’s crush never returned her affection, and when he dropped out of school at the end of the semester, her obsession dwindled. Hayford said she learned a valuable lesson. “I learned that if you like someone, let them know,” she said. “It’s better to let them know how you feel and find out if they like you or not instead of having these hopes about something that was never there.” Despite the problems that can arise when people take crushes too seriously, Gollner said, most people don’t develop the kind of crushes that are portrayed in movies like “Fatal Attraction.” “These people are suffering from severe personality disorders,” Gollner said. “They are needy and dissatisfied. They’re like poker players who are always upping the ante, raising the stakes.” Fortunately for Hayford and Kovar, their crushes never escalated to that point. When Kovar was seven, she developed a crush on a real person and tossed Marine Boy to the wayside. rfc._4.___i -1_A_1/_: J UUl V> IIVII 31IV OTU3 U IVVIIU^VI, IW»UI JUIU she did have a crush that got out of hand. “I had a crush on a guy,” Kovar said. “We were in a play together, and I thought he had a crush on me too. But when the play was over, he kind of shook my hand and said, ‘Nice working with ya.’ “It was terrible,” she said. “I was devastated.” Kovar said she still called him afterward, and she even wrote him a letter, but a friend convinced her not to send it. Gollner said having crushes like Hayford’s and Kovar’s are essential for people to learn how to look at their feelings objectively. “I think people have to go through it a time or two in order to take a look at reality” he said. “We tend to learn by pain and mistakes. If you want to have a healthy relationship, have a few relationships that blow up in your face, and learn from them. If you’re lucky, you’ll still have a face after the explo sion.” Illustration by James Mehsling