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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Nov. 23, 1993)
Football ---I a frightful phenomenon Ihave officially run out of pa tience. I’m scared of what may happen over Thanksgiving Break. I’m fright ened of all the football I will be forced to encounter. What if I start a turkey fight with my brothers and father be cause I cannot stand to hear one more football game playing in the back ground? I lost all my football patience last weekend. I watched the end of the Notre Damc/Boston College matchup. In all, I probably endured 10 minutes of football, but it launched me into an anti-football rage. My boyfriend yelled and jumped up and down in celebration because Notre Dame lost. I admit, I was happy for the Boston College kicker who won the game for his team. That has to be just the coolest feeling — to know that you, individually, won the game. Then the talk began. My boyfriend, as well as God-knows-how-many across the state, began contemplat ing. Where would Nebraska be ranked? What about Notfe Dame? What if those stupid coaches and poll people mess up again and don’t put us No. 1? I finally lost it. Who cares? Who cares? Who cares?!!!! I find it frightening that only a few weeks before the end of the semester, when I am drowning in scary thoughts about jobs, graduation, assignments and the fact that I have no idea where I’ll be two months from now, there arc thousands across this state whose most serious thoughts concern where the Comhuskcrs will be in the polls. Will anyone remember where we were ranked this week two years from now? Wait. I don’t want to know. The answer will scare me. Unfortunately, there are many who will remember in detail for years that week in Novem ber when we were finally vindicated and ranked No. 1 in two out of three polls. It doesn’t help that I work at a newspaper where the sports people The best part was the conces sions guy that sang, “7UP!” and everyone echoed him. That’s about all I got from the whole experience. arc constantly talking about football. Wc watch football on Sundays while we’re putting together the paper, but wc never get to watch TV the rest of the week. Not to be stereotypical, but I don’t know any women who arc nearly as indulged in football as men. If women tal kcd about soap operas hal f as much as men talk about football, we’d be told we’re living in a fantasy world. “Soap operas aren’t real,” they’d say. Here’s some news: Neither is football. It is only a game that gives men something fantasy-like to talk about. Football is a rough game where men emphasize their masculinity by putting on pads and helmets, then line up on the field and run into each other over and over and over again. Some times they throw the ball, sometimes they kick it. That’s about all there is to it as far as I’m concerned. And all that running into each oth er wreaks havoc on bodies, as well as dreams. Even I, one of the least edu cated about football in the world, can name several people who have been forced to quit playing because of inju ries. They bank all their dreams on a sport that promises them ruined bod ies. Some last longer than others. Some forget to get an education be cause it prevents them from playing the game they’ve been taught to love since they were dressed in their first home-team jersey when they were 2 years old. Here’s a thought that may surprise some diehard Huskcr fans. There arc places in this very country where Nebraska football isn’t even dis cussed, much less idolized. Some people don’t know that Huskcr foot ball is the pride of the state. Either that, or that’s the only thing they know about Nebraska. Isn’t it pathetic * that all that’s known about our state is that our football team chokes on the important games? It is one thing to root for your alma mater and go to Colorado or wherever to sec them play. I even went to a couple home games my freshman year. I felt I had to; I was a student here, after all. The best part was the concessions guy that sang, “7UP!” and everyone echoed him. That’s about all I got from the whole experi ence. But when people arc injured when they storm the field and people hinge their emotional mood swings on how a team fared in a game the weekend before, that gives a new definition to the word “fanatics.” It is during the Super Bowl that most violence against women occurs. That fact alone should scare plenty of people into hating the game. My faith in the sanity of Nebras kans was restored the other day at a restaurant. Something was said about football, and the guy serving us asked what Nebraska was rated. Then he asked who we played last weekend and who we play next. At least there arc some people out there who can keep things in proper perspective. Steiaauer is a senior news-editorial ma jor, the Daily Nebraskan editorial page edi tor and a columnist. Patrick is a UNL cultural center Stop! Before you read further, ask yourself one question: Are you biased, or are you aware of Patrick-centricity? Everyday, a crime is committed at UNL and virtually everywhere else. This crime is a sin of demonic unniccncss, of malevolent meaniness — the intentional disregarding of Patrick Culture and Patrick History. Patrick Culture is a world unto its own, a complex tapestry woven with psychology, language, history and hair gel. It has its own language, from which the English language owes words like shumshic and fripo. It has its own heroes, like Patrick Hambrccht, winner of the 6th grade Valentine’s Day Box Decorating con test. And it has its own gods and goddesses, like Patrick Hambrecht. winner of the 6th grade Valentine’s Day Box Decorating contest. And yet! Patrick has been oppressed like no other minority. If you are faint-hearted, please look away from these shocking statistics: • No Patrick Hambrecht has ever been an MTV veejay. • No member of the 1992 Elector al College voted for Patrick. •Drew Barrymore has never re turned Patrick’s calls, ever. • No Patrick has ever been al lowed to appear on the all new “Soul Train” television show — even in instances where he has wept openly in front of the television show’s bouncer after buying a new outfit and travel ing to its location in Hollywood. • No Patrick Hambrecht has ever been ordained Pope. How long will this be allowed to continue? Diversity on the American campus is a myth, as these rounded figures shqw: • Number of Patrick Hambrechts at Harvard: 0/20,000. • Number of Patrick Hambrechts at Yale: 0/12,000. • Number of Patrick Hambrechts at The New York Yeshiva Uni versity: UNL stands alone as an institu tion conscious of Patrick-cen tricity, although Patrick Hambrechts account for only 1/ 25,000 of its total student popu lation. That’s certainly nothing for Graham Spanier to be proud of. 0/5,000. This list goes on and on, to our national shame. Not one college of fers Patrick scholarships, a Patrick issues class o. a single workshop on Patrick awareness. UNL stands alone as an institution conscious of Patrick-centricity, al though Patrick Hambrechts account for only 1/25,000 of its total student population. That’s certainly nothing for Graham Spanicr to be proud of. It’s no wonder that, in a recent letter I wrote to myself, I called the 20th century “The Patrick Dark Ages.” Every day people criticize the col umns— make that Divine Oracles— of Patrick Hambrecht, without any knowledge of Patrick’s unique cul ture and anthropology. To enlighten the cosmos, I interviewed P.M. Hambrecht, a noted Patrick historian and author of the poetry collection, “Give Me Patrick in the Dewy Morn ing, Give me Patrick on a Crispy Bun." “Patrick is more than just omnipo tent,” Hambrccht said. “He’s also re ally, really, really, really, super cool. 1 don’t think you understand how cool he is, so let me illustrate. In my land, we have a saying: ‘Better a thimble full of Patrick than a Buick full of turkey innards, because just a little Patrick is a whole lotta fun, while a car full of bird guts is gross.’” I asked Hainbrecht what he thought of the unfavorable letters written about Patrick in the Daily Nebraskan. “Anti-Patrick letters are ignorant, hideously ignorant,” Hambrecht said. “Those letter writers have no under standing of Patrick Culture. “For instance, take the letter which calls Patrick ‘wronger than monkey snot.’ According to the basic tenets of the Hambrcchtism, Patrick is always right. To suggest that Patrick is wrong is a basic fallacy, according to Patrick Culture.” “Every culture defines itself, and is relevant only to itself,” Hambrecht continued. “One certainly shouldn’t evaluate a feminist work with dated, phallocentric methods. And one would never pronounce judgment on Chi na’s human rights policy without a Maoist perspective. It’s the same with Patrick Culture.” 50 who is fit to judge whether Patrick’s column is good or bad? “Patrick,” Hambrecht said. “Any one else would blur his vision with his or her own ethnocentricity.” But what about Bluebeard, Fatty Arbucklc or other brave people who did things before Patrick was bom? “It was still Patrick,” Hambrecht said. “Patricians believe that Patrick has always existed, roving the Earth and doing cool things. Before Patrick pretended to be born, he was just in disguise.” Hambrecht is a sophomore news-editorl- t •I major and a Dally Nebraskan columnist. The Daily Nebraskan.. y-. .is now ; . ; accepting apoiications lor - >.’yy' senior staff positions tor the spring semester. Senior staff positions include- managing editor, associate news editor, sports editor, wire editor, senior reporters, copy desk chief, night news editor, photo chief, assisfant photo chief, art director, cartoonist, supplements editor, Sower editor and columnist. If your are interested, come on down to the DN office in the basement of Nebraska Union, pick up an application and sign up for an interview. JN_ flat? not discriminate its academ-c. aa-nssons o' empoymer’ p»og'ar\s anc aodes by a> tedera regulations p#n*nm; to sa ne gsi'" ... "_ilt.ty: . i--"» Every Tuesday 9 p.m. 1823 "O’ Street NO COVER Make other plans For your Christinas Tree, Or you'll be surprised When you cut me. I’m sprayed with stinky Fox urine, you see. Enjoy me outside where I'm supposed to UNL Landscape Services Paid Advertisement IT’S B-BALL T/Mf. 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