Plasma, phones and pepperoni
Like any citizen, there’s noth
ing I hate more than the feel
ing of “Where am I? Why am
I naked in front of all these people?
Why am I balancing on the back of a
cow?” Nevertheless, that was what I
felt on that ill-fated day in Richards
Hall.
I’d been hired to pose nude for a
live portrayal of Marc Chagall’s early
masterpiece, “Moo Moo Moon.”
Perched on the back of a jittery green
cow, I held a cardboard moon above
my head, as UNL art students sur
rounded me, scribblingon sketchpads.
Embarrassment screamed through my
mind like an air-raid siren on a run
away ice cream truck, and I remem
bered how it all began.
My urgent need of cash has driven
me to the depths of teen-age employ
ment. If a job offers aplastic name tag
and no benefits, I’ve probably worked
there: I’ve done everything from flip
ping burgers in the greasy steam pit of
McDantes to selling pornographic
magazines with names like “Foot
Fetish!” “Barely Legal” and “Prison
Tales” at Rasker’s Pom and Pet Shop.
Medical pawn shops have mined
my blood; scientists have used me as
human litmus paper in their quest to
find the link between lard baths and
acne prevention.
So far, I’ve never been sucked into
toiling at Plasma, Phones and Pepper
oni: a fiendish combination of an Ital
ian restaurant, blood bank and
telemarketing agency. Inside this
mockery of job safety laws, IV tubes
hanging from the ceiling suck all sal
able body fluids from the ghastly
workers while they cook pasta and
make phone sales. Employees take
their coffee breaks wherever they pass
out.
Never before has a proletariat pur
gatory so perversely exploited peons
in such abhorrent proportions. “There
but by the grace of God_”
Inevitably, all of my jobs ended
and I found myself a teen-age desti
tette bflWtwwiwiiwwbwLiiuittB:
The jobless youth took me in and
taught me how to do nothing faster
Medical pawn shops have mined
my blood; scientists have used
me as human litmus paper in their
quest to find the link between lard
baths and acne prevention.
than I ever could do nothing before.
We wasted our time with a passion:
randomly piercing each other’s skin,
organizing gladiator battles between
hair lice, dancing to A.M. radio. If
only the thrills of youth could last.
Soon, even Satan ran out of things
for my idle hands to do and 1 was
bored, wretchedly bored. Insanity,
suicide, voting — they all failed to
interest me. And that’s when I was
handed a flier that said:
Insanity, Suicide and Voting Lost
Their Thrill?
Why Get Weird
When You Can Get Naked and
Weird?
Turn Your Lack of Dignity into
Cash!
It's Better Than Selling Seeds!
Contact Dr. Betty Steinliener!
So I did. But now, naked upon a
spray-painted farm animal, I knew I
had hit rock bottom. As I looked at the
artists who were bringing my
goosebumps to life on paper, I won
dered ifi’dsee some of them smirking
in my classes and I felt truly misera
ble. I looked at the animal and won
dered if a farmer knew that someone
had kidnapped and painted his cow. I
felt nauseated. I heard someone enter
the room and say, “Hi, I’m from the
Daily Nebraskan! Do you mind if I
take pictures?” That was all I could
take.
When I woke up, I was lying on the
floor and someone was dabbing a wet
rag in my face. “Forget the ambu
lance l ” someone else mumbled. A
shirt looked down at me reproachful
ly:;
“You really scared the cow, you
know,” she said.
L" Dr. Steinliener helped me off the
floor. She asked me, “Are you all
right?”
I nodded.
“Fantastic. Listen, Patrick, maybe
the cow was too much. We’d like you
to pose for something totally different
— if you think you’re up to it.”
“Something with more clothes?” I
begged.
“You bet!” she said, and smiled.
She handed me a studded contraption
made of black leather.
“Just put it on in the bathroom,”
she said. “We were thinking you could
pose with Morris, our gender-studies
student. Something in the
Mapplethorpe domain, with a wood
en cross maybe, or a tub of living —
I screamed and fled the room, into
the honest, sane light of day. My
naked feet hit each step before
Richards Hall, taking me away from
cows and artists to the haven that I
knew would be another menial job.
I could bitch about the cruelty of
plodding through one benefit-free job
after another, but there are bigger fish
to fry. In America, even a bum like me
is king of the third world. I’m wearing
jeans made overseas by some poor
woman at SO cents an hour and shoes
made by a 10-year-old during his 10
hour work day.
Compared to how those two pa
thetic souls are slaving away for me,
PlfLsma Phones and Penneroni is the
W(
a
■ajor ud a Daljr Nebraskaa colanalit.
Welcome Back Special
1 Month
only
$32
\ ACternativeY/\
48th & R, Centro Plaza 466-1201
^ Welcome Back ^
Plus flreat stuff to decorate your home!
t Second UJind g
■ Vintage Clothing and Collectables fl
m 720 "O" Street %
(Under the Viaduct)
Smells like Pickle's all-store
BIRTHDAY SALE!
That's right! It's Pickle's crunchy, birthday
celebration and that means if you can find
a Compact Disc, a Tape, a pickle...
m --J. _
&
s
1
i
anything that's
not on sale, then
you re not at
Pickles CD s
I
•» - m
Apctt Macintosh
Color Classic* 4/90, Buib-in l
Color Monitor 6 AppUKsyboard 11
fipfile Mac mlab LC 111 M
4/90. Bask Odor Monitor^*
t,Apf>U Keyboard II
Buik in Keyboard & UT Backlit
Super Twi* Monocbromt
DhpLv
Applt Macintosh Ccntris™ 610
Apfiit Bmic Color Monitor &AppU
BxfuHUfioarill
Right now, you can get substantial savings on these Macintosh*
personal computers. You can also get special student financing with
the Apple* Computer Loan*- to make owning a Mac* even easier. Tb
V -
see just how affordable a Macintosh can be, visit your Apple Campus
Reseller today. And discover the power more college students JL
choose. The power of Macintosh. The power to be your best? W.