H>>sn SQUIRTS
April Fool** Day, 1993 ^
B-ball bickering ends in battle of sexes
By Beaujo Nixon Finnnly
Staff Reporter
The blood and loose skin can be washed
from the court, but the horrific memories will
live forever in the anals of Nebraska basketball
history. .
NUL Police were called Wednesday to the
Bobfather Devaney Sports Center to stop a
brawl between men’s basketball coach Dan
Knee and women’s coach Angela Buck.
Details of the attack, pieced together from
eye-witness accounts, paint an ugly picture.
The fight allegedly occurred while Buck was
hanging a banner commemorating the women’s
NCAA first-round victory, a 81-58 thumbing of
the San Diego Torreros, on the center Scoreboard.
Allegedly as Buck hung the banner, com
memorating the first NCAA in Comhumper
basketball history, Knee entered the gym yell
ing a series of incomprehensible expletives in
his thick Brooklyn accent.
Knee then tackled Buck and placed her in a
head-lock screaming, “We could have beaten
San Diego. Why don’t you get Jennings to try
to block out Cliff Reed?”
Buck broke the head-lock and countered
Knee’s maneuver by grinding her high heels
into his groin. Buck then was reported as say
ing: “Why don ’ t you get your boys to play some
defense? Then you may actually be able to win
a game in the postseason.
“Send Andy Woolrich over. I’m sure Meg
Ann Whydsena has got some time to teach him
some D.”
Knee then screamed something about play
ing with Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, asked for a
steak sandwich with heavy mayo and passed
out. Knee reportedly is in fair condition at
Bryan Carr Memorial Hospital.
Buck was treated at the hospital and asked to
remain overnight for observation, but refused
because the hospital did not offer plaid night
gowns and nurses refused to allow an entou
rage, headed by Dr. Bobmother Hibner and
Terry Beeker, to shoot hoops in the lobby.
Several minor skirmishes also precipitated
from the the first one.
Wednesday night, reportedly, senior guard
Sarah Ringer went to the home of men’s player
Bruce Chewbacca to challenge him to a knife
fight. Chewbacca declined the offer and pro
ceeded to dive to the floor for an imaginary
loose ball. Ringer was outspoken about the
incident and her perception of Chewbacca.
“I’m the real 'blue-collar,’” Ringer said. “I
got a bum ankle and floor bum from the NC A As.
Bruce ain’t got nothing but sore eyes from
watchin’ Sam Crawford.”
Senior women’s captain Rissa Tailor down
played the rivalry with the men but said she
thought the women could really shoot the rock. .
The source of the confrontation could have
been spurred on by comments made by Buck. In
a press conference, Buck was reported as say
ing she thought Knee’s ties looked something
like after-birth and that the new warm-ups worn
by the Humpers must have really scared New
Mexican State.
Knee responded with claims that the
Humpers lost because PolishRifle Piatkowski
and Terry Ratchet had sprained ankles after
tripping on holes left in the court from Buck’s
high heels.
Buck countered by calling the men’s team “a
bunch of wussies.”
Buck later apologized for the statements
and even said she thought Knee was cuter than
Noe Mo Iba and Martini Massengil put to
gether.
Trav Haystack/DH
Why pay athletes?
Bald volleyball coach’s
pranks leave AD Burned
By Squiggly Down Under
NUL volleyball coach Terry Petite
has been found to be in athletic de
partment violation for having an addi -
tional job while shunning his coach
ing duties.
According to NUL athletic direc
tor Bill Burned, Petite has been seen
touring numerous Lincoln comedy
clubs with his one-man act entitled
*Tm Not Too Petite to be Funny.”
In a press conference called by
Burned, he played a tape of Petite’s
act, which opened with Petite talking
about the opponents his team must
face this season.
“They’re a solid team with tal
ented players and good coaching — I
guess the latter is what differentiates
them from my team,” said Petite, with
peals of laughter being heard in the
background.
Burned, who learned of the infrac
tion from NUL baseball coach Sandy
Johnders, had a look of disgust on his
face as the tape continued.
Next, Petite discussed how tough it
can be if a bus breaks down on the way
to a match.
“The bus doesn’t play — but 1 am
looking to recruit a healthy minivan
for its quickness from the backcourt,”
Petite said. >
Later in the act, Petite joked about
how his team draws so many loyal
fans to watch volleyball.
‘These aren ’ t people who just came
over from the football stadium, these
are true volleyball fans — but isn’t it
ironic that the arena triples its size
after the final gun sounds from the
footbal I field?” said Petite, who could
barely say the last joke without laugh-.
ing himself.
Petite, dressed in his usual jogging
outfit with that special comic’s touch
of not wearing a shirt underneath,
capped his nightly performance with
a remark that seemed to bring down
the roof.
“When I compare my teams from
over the years, which is what I often
like to do, it amazes me how much
talent some of my players have had —
just think what they could have done
if they had a head coach whose intel
ligence could equal his ego,” he said.
Chump vs. Booby —
By Baaujo Nixon Finnnly
Staff reporter __
It will be called the Combat at the
Capitol.
On Saturday Night, State
Audaciator “Jumping” John Breastlow
will fight Ernie Chumpbers for the
Nebraska oh-so-light weight champi
onship.
Breastlow enters the boxing match
undefeated with a perfect record of
15-0.
Chumpbers comes into the contest
with a record of 322-1 with his only
loss coming at the hands of Shirley
Marsh after she defeated him in the
Supreme Court chambers in Wash
ington D.C., 17 years ago.
Despite his impressive record,
Breastlow said this would be the big
gest Tight of his career.
“Nobody fights like Chumpbers,”
Breastlow said. “He’s very sharp but
I’m most afraid of his low blows.’’
Several opponents of Chumpbers
in the past have complained that Ik
sucker punches and hits below the
belt.
Chumpbers dismissed these
charges saying his past opponents sim
ply weren’t fit to fight him.
“Hey if you can’t take heat, get out
of the kitchen,’’ Chumpbers said.
“They are making excuses for losing.
If you can’t take the smell, get off the
Students rejoice as AD
reverses field on boot
NUL students rallied today in front
of Broyhill Fountain in an apparent
celebration of not being bootedout of
Memorial Mausoleum by Athletic
Director Billy Burned.
The students, led by the
Comhumper cheerleaders, chanted
“The endzones are ours!”
Burned had attempted to move the
students to a parking lot outside the
stadium in front of big-screen televi
sion, but apparently gave in to the
endzone proposal when a group of
football players threatened to report
him to either their boss at Park Place
or the Cretin athletic director.
Also, a group of Cornhumper band
members sat vigil at Burned’s office,
alternately dumping cups of vomit on
each other “in remembrance of old
times.”
Burned, piped in through speaker
phone to the rally, said that “if the
damn bandies want to get puked on,
they might as well do it inside our
Nebraska coach Tom Osburned
said the endzone seals will give the
Comhumpers an advantage over op
ponents.
“When those teams get down close
to scoring, our students will drown
them out,” Osburned said. “If not,
their quarterback can look out for the
flying cups... who knows what'll be
in them?*’
.. _.^. . .._ _
phone sex prompts boxing match
toilet. I mean, It you can’t take the
mellowness, get off the Quaaludes.
I’m saying. If you can’t cross-dress,
don’t go into the lingerie store.”
Chumpbers went on to make sev
eral more analogies.
Bad blood has been the theme of
the fight since the two men allegedly
participated in a veiling match at the
slate capital and made cruel jokes
against one another.
The fight reportedly began with
Breastlow asking to borrow
Chumpbers phone records so he could
“copy down the phone sex numbers.”
Chumpbers refused the requestand
Breastlow called him a “selfish, self
ish, selfish, selfish man who gets his
jollies at the expense of the tax-pay
ers.
Chumpbers responded by calling
Breastlow a “whiny, Jewish dork.
Chumpbers then covered his eyes
claiming that he was blinded by the
glare from Breastlow’s shiny, bald
head.
Breastlow proceeded to throw
down his papers and challenged
Chumpbers to “bring it on.”
Chumpbers agreed, but before any
punches were thrownDaily Harass
ment reporter C.H.U.DGreen stepped
in to stop the fight and the two parties
returned to their respective offices.
Green said he wouldn’t have inter
fered, but he was forced to because he
needed an interview with Sen. Enc D
W-I-ll, who wanted to referee the
dispute.
Following the altercation, Don
King flew in from Las Vegas and
inked both men to a winner-take-all
fight
King said the boxing match might
be the best he ever promoted.
“Chumpbers has got the experi
ence,” King said. “But if Breastlow
loses, he said he’d audit Chumpbers.
That should make the fight really
ly in America, baby.”
The fight will take place on the
Unicameral floor. Seats still arc avail
able.
A group of Cornhumper fanatics get cozy in front of Broyhill Fountain to celebrate their move
to the endzones of Memorial Mausoleum. t