No Opinion ^.1%^
Harassment
Editorial Board
University of No-Learning
Chris Hoppyburger.Big Cheese, 472-1766
Jermy Fitzhatrick..No Opinion Headitor
Alan Welps.Managing Headitor
Briana Smellytoe.. ....Drawrer
Susie A rf. Senor Reporter
Kim Headlock.Pervasions Headitor
Sam Coppafeel..Callumasheseesemist
So sue us
You never listen to what we say anyway
We admit it. We were wrong.
We take it all back.
You should have voted for George, loved Ross and
opposed lifting the ban. We love the rejects and so should you.
We’ve had a change of heart. We realize now that Rush
Limbaugh is the future of America.
And, of course, that ANUS is worth a damn.
Here are the new positions of the Editorial Bored:
NU Board of Rejects:
We love these guys. Is there any way they could have done a
better this year? The rejects should all be granted life terms so we
can have them around forever. Great job on the Martini Massengil
epsiode, by the way.
Prayer:
ANUS senator Wrong Schmidt was right If he wants prayer at
graduation, we should have it. And if people are offended by this,
screw ‘em. If they don’t want to pray, maybe they should go to
some college for atheist liberals..
Parking:
' Let’s save the whole parking problem by paving over Richards
Hall for more room. Who really uses it, anyway? Better yet let’s
take the advice of ANUS and build a multi-million dollar parking
garage. It’s so realistic it just might work.
Budget cuts:
Maybe we should audit Sen. Scott Moron s phone records it ne
wants to cut NUL’s budget. If we still need money, cut a few
classes. Or better yet, what ever became of the Department of
. Talking or that dead language studies program?
Swill Clinton:
His wife’s really the president anyway. This hayseed couldn’t
lead this country out of a paper bag. If he would forget health care
reform and start worrying about rich people, America could get
back to normal.
NUL men’s basketball team:
Great job on your third trip to the tournament. A tip for Dan
Knee: try buying the new warmups after you win a game.
Spam Granule:
You’re not in Oregon anymore, Dorothy. Pretty soon you’ll be
able to use that microscope to look at NUL’s budget. You might
try to use your magic to get Scott Moron to disappear.
Void:
ANUS President Keith Vanish and company are sure to turn
around NUL next year. Students are likely to care about student
government, too.
Dan Fail:
We’re endorsing him for President in 1996. The guy can flat
out play golf.
Ross Pee rot:
The press should finally cover this national savior. He’s been
ignored by the liberal atheist media far too long. The silent
majority will be heard.
Gorge Bush: -
The Editorial Bored made our biggest mistake when we
endorsed Swill Clinton. Maybe Gorge and Ron Raygun can get a
musical tour together.
The NUL phreak system:
Have a kegger on us. Congratulations on the diversity.
The sculptures on NUL’s campus:
Get rid of that trash. How about a statue of Keith Vanish?
This editorial represents the unofficial policy of the Spring 1993 Daily Harassment. Policy is
set by whomever happens to be hanging around during the Daily Harassment Editorial Board,
meetings. Editorials do not necessarily reflect the views of the paper, its employees, die
students or the NU Board of Rejects. Editorial columns represent the opinion of the author. Like
it or not, the rejects publish the Daily Harassment. They establish the NUL Publications Bored
to think it can supervise the daily production of the paper. According to policy set by the
regents, responsibility for the editorial content of the newspaper thankfully lies solely in the
hands of its students.
The Daily Harassment welcomes brief letters to the editor from people we have already
contacted - you know you are. All other letters will be selected for publication on the basis of
how much we agree with the author's opinion. The Daily Harassment retains the right to edit
or reject all material submitted since most letters are fraught with spelling errors. Readers also
are welcome to submit material as guest opinions. Someone apparently decides whether
material should run as a guest opinion. Letters and guest opinions sent to the newspaper
become the property of the Daily Harassment and cannot be returned. Anonymous submis
sions are welcomed and will be considered as legitimate story ideas. Letters should included
a name, year in school, major and group affiliation, if any. Requests to withhold names may
be granted. Submit material to the Daily Harassment, the basement Nebraska Union, 1400 R
St.. Lincoln. Neb. 68588*0448. / ^
Parking
Parking. Poking, parking, park
ing.
Parking!
Marcus Foolsgoldfeather
sophomore
member of 290 meaningless
committees
‘Discombobulation’
I am penning this composition to
express my profound power of expe
riencing physical sensation upon in
gesting the literature of that prag
matic Mister Harry Tongue. The ever
garrulous Very Tongue is a doyen in
his sphere of linguistic proficiency.
The sonorous sluice which he irradi
ates every one and thirteen rotations
of the globe upon its polar axis causes
my flesh to dissolve when the fervent
particles emitted by the celestial ball
of helium and hydrogen molecules
around which this sphere revolves
strike the frozen precipitation atop
Mount Buttafuoco, in the utterly de
void landscape in the stead of Fisher.
The unadulterated discombobulation
exhibited in the altercations of Very
Tongue raise my temperature to such
magnitudes that a bathythermograph
could not gauge the heights of my
beatitude. How I covet to plunge into
the unfathomable conundrums of
Tongue every square root of 196 solar
entrances and exits. Yes, Tongue,
YES!
Ahem, excuse me. Allow me to
voice in the cessation of my grandest
exposition of my exuberance for the
eloquent Mister Very Tongue in which
I consummate my undeniable concur
rence with his position. It’s Tongued
for me. Bravisisimo!
Vera Bose
freshman
metaphysical contumacy
Expert advice
I know what America needs and I
can tell you how to run your newspa
per, even though I’ve never gotten
more than a C+ on a paper.
You are lazy stupid swineand I am
a sanctomonious bastard who always
adopts the moral highground in letters
to the editor.
I know what’s right and wrong and
I never have any doubts or questions
and this is my 100th letter to tne editor
— why do you only print half of
them? .
I can tell you how to lower infla
\
tion and who should be president and
who is to blame for the war in, well
pick a place, I can tell you.
I can tell you all this because I’m in
college and know way more than any
of you adolescent pseudo-journalists.
And another thing, I know what’s
good for you.
Joe Cool
18-year-old freshman
undecided
Dumb thoughts
I read recently that there are 21
calories in human ejaculate. I realized
suddenly that if I give 100 blow jobs
a day I’ll never have to leave my room
again. I’ll also make a fortune.
Some Chick
senior
biology
Nasal hair
Once again the Daily Harrassment
has forced its vile brand of “funnies”
humor on an unwitting student popu
lation. This time the aggressor is DH
cartoonist Larry Garson.
I am referring to the cartoon where
he poked fun at long nasal hairs on
Arabs, I don’t know the date but you
remember when you ran it.
By insinuating that people of Ara
bic heritage don’t trim their nasal
hairs, Mr. Garson has added another
group to the long list of groups of
fended by the DH. We demand Mr.
Garson expose his nasal hairs to the
NUL comm unity! Let us see how long
they are and whether they curl!
Lois Hassan
senior
engineering
Weirdo
If you build it, they will come. I
believed this for the longest time. Mv
family raised me to fear God, to fol
low Richard Nixon into the depths of
hell if he asked, and to please quit
picking my nose in the presence of
company. Once, my father took me
aside and said: “Now, son, above all
things, I want you to remember this
(snicker) — if you build it, they will
come.” He then told me, with a gleam
in hlseve, that I should go out into the
yard of Old Man Withers, our neigh
bor, and rip out his prize-winning
rutabagas to build a bigger-than-life
statue of Bob Barker. Ifldid this, my
father said, Holly, Janice and the rest
of The Price is Right models would
K . * ,* v. $ ' .
come and tap dance on our dining
room table. I trusted him because he
was my father; how could he be wrong?
So with my father’s love and bless
ing, I went to work in Old Man With
ers’ yard. I tore out the vegetables and
planted Bob. Then I waited. Two
months later, when Withers came back
from vacation and dismantled my Bob
statue with an axe, I knew that the
Barker Beauties were never coming
to my kitchen. I realized that my
father was not infallible; he had just
been a little funny ever since that time
Mom whonked him with the cast-iron
skillet. Reality slapped me in the face
like a cold herring.
Since then, I have become the most
enlightened person on the face of the
earth. Now I speak to God daily—he
sounds a lot like Don Knotts — and
communicate with Bob Barker’s mod
els through my TV Screen. To every
one stuggiing against their long-held
faith in their loony dads, I suggest that
they watch The Price is Right while
practicing yoga and learning
Cantonese. My faith now rests in the
Easier Bunny and my ability to write
eloquent letters to the Daily Harass
ment. If you write them, they will get
published.
Bald Chester
senior
astrology
No big ‘ol wurds
Usin’the ANUS offioe.keep havin’
treble with the big ‘ol wurds yous
people keep puttinv in the Daily Ha
rassment.
We don’t get it.
Wurds such as “resume,” “com
mitment/’ and “knowledgeable,” are
all so gosh dura confusing to us regu
lar-type folks.
Two meetings ago, we were spend
ing so much dum time try ing todecifer
all the words, we realized there wasn ’ t
even a quorum of us there. So we still
don’t know what ya’ll are trying to
say.
Then at our last meeting, we had to
call in a Rejects scholar (because
there wasn’t a one in our group) to
decifer it. She didn’t even know what
the wurds meant.
1 guess some of you educated DH
joumelism folks arc trying to impress
us with your big *ol wurds.
We finally found out what resume
was, and we think we like it — we
found our new regson for livin/
ANUS Senators