I
ANUS sends pudgy president to showers
By Bodine Gunch
Staff Reporter
ANUS members waved a tear
ful farewell to their outgoing
president, Andy Cheeserson,
in a special ceremony at Wednesday
s meeting.
speak for the entire
ice President Trendy
Stool said,
“when I say I*m
gonna miss this
pudgy HI* fella.”
Cheeserson,
sniffling,
thanked the
members ft for
tneir nara work and dedication.
“You are the reason ANUS is what
it is today,” he said, giving Stool a
noogie.“My resume wouldn’t be any
thing without you people.”
The outgoing president, in his last
official act, then called forth for a
ceremonial resum6 check of all mem
bers.
“Ahhhhh . . . my precious,”
Cheeserson said, dancing a jig. “That’s
the beauty of student government. Ha
Ha Ha.”
Cheeserson briefly listed the goals
he had accomplished during his term:
— Nothing.
Former ANUS presidents Candy
Sassy and Phil O’my Gosh made a
special appearance to announce the
opening of Sassy’s presidential li
brary in the basement of ANUS’ se
cret clubhouse.
After a special photo opportunity
— the first time four living ANUS
presidents had gathered in one place
— Sassy wished the new president,
Keith Vanish, well.
1 “Mr. Vanish, many will question
your presence in student government,
but always remember, ‘If you can’t
stand the kitchen, get out of the heaL ’”
Vanish and the rest of the members
then turned to other business, includ
ing a controversial measure that would
require all seniors be baptized before
graduation ceremonies.
See ANUS on 2
ft - r • . v;- ; : ^ o,. . ■ ■••/ -•% • •
^*
nflBBffHBnCTB^nnw
Spacey McRy/DH
New ANUS President Keith Vanish the Polttical Ghost looms behind First Vice President Trendy Stool the night
of the VOID’S victory party at the Cherry Hut March 10. The apparition has been sighted numerous times since.
Poof
Keith Vanish materializes for ANUS, meatloaf sandwich
ey Mian weips
:
The report, coming on the first day of
Vanish's term, sparked anew controversy
surrounding the election of a ghost as stu
dent regent.
“How can this guy go to board meetings
if he exists on another plane?*’ asked Vice
Chancellor for Stupid Affairs James Greasy.
.. /
) won the post by a slim
margin in a March 10 election, surprisingly
was not available for comment.
But Trendy Stool, Vanish’s running mate,
defended the apparition.
“What a bunch of nit picking. So Keith
doesn't technically live in the same world
we do,” he said. “I think he’ll fit in well with
the Board of Rejects.”
Vanish was seen seldom during the elec
lion campaign and after. Bouts with bath
room doors, trees and other inanimate ob
jects kept him in the netherworld for moslof
the race.
A crew from Fox-TV’s critically ac
claimed show “Sightings” visited the cam
pus in mid-March to attempt to record evi
dence that Vanish exists.
“This one was lough,” Sightings pro
ducer Amic Fufkin said. “Once we thought
we had him in that frat bathroom, but then
the fire department showed up before we
could gel a good shot of him.”
Vanish has defied the expertsin his ef
forts to remain the unseen force behind
ANUS. Students and administrators alike
See VANISH on 2
Rejects cry
over spilt milk
at Mickey D’s
By Swoozie Arf
Staff reporter
After months of squabbling and bicker
ing among NU Bored of Rejects, Presi
dent Martini Massengil ejected four
members from a meeting because they just
couldn’t play nicely. The emergency
meeting, called by Massengil, was held in the
Kiddie Land section of a local Mickey D’s
restaurant. The purpose of
the meeting, he said, was
to stress to the rejects the
importance of acting ma
turely.
“I will see to it that this
childish bickering
ceases,’’Massengil said. “I
might be a lame duck president, but my quack
will still be heard. QUACK QUACK QUACK!”
Massengil screamed over Reject Rosesmeliy
Skrewwy’s incessant giggling.
“I just love little duckies,” Prancy O’Lying,
on her back, squealed.
The bored ’ s poopie faces date back to Rejec t
Throbert Abdomen’s crying over not being
invited to a Nov. 15 game of'freeze tag at the
playhouse of fellow reject, Charlie Won’tson,
known as Lil Chuckie to his friends. /
‘‘I don’t want Throbbie over at my house
anymore,” Chuckie pouted. “He farts.
Skrewy and O’Lying also whined that fel
low reject, Nasty Poke, was the only woman at
the tag match.
But Reject Chairman Jem Bon Pain said
Skrewwy and O’Lying were not asked to
Won’tson’s house because “they act too much
like girls. They try to kiss us and stuff. Gross.
“Plus, Nasty (Poke) looks best in (me of
those tight little aprons. She served us milk and
cookies and stuff, and she doesn’t act like a
wussy GUUHRL. So there.”
Reject Shootin’ Blanks added: “Yeah. So
there.”
With that, Skrewwy picked up a handful of
cheese dip and threw it at Pain’s face.
Massengil, who had been sitting in the time
out comer for imitating Pain’s favorite Sesame
See REJECTS on 3
NUL Par King paves way for parking garage
By Whiff Zar»y
Senior iapoiST__
Iiuttuv, NUL students will
_jle to rail their heads easier
.light and find a parking stall
simpler every morning thanks to the
diligent efforts of Student Par Kina
Marcus Foolsgoldfcathcr.
“Parking
ing parking,”
Foolsgoldfeathcr
said.
The New Jersey
native said
groundbreaking
would begin
iam: a SlO-million,
2,000,000-stall valet-parking garage
with gold-encrusted busts of himself
on top of every meter.
Foolsgoldfeather said the structure
would be Financed through parking
fees and a bake sale featuring his
mother's recipe for “Jersey Meat Pie.”
“Parking/' he said. “Parking park
ing parking. Garage.”
Foolsgoldfeather said students
wanted and deserved parking spots
close to their classrooms.
“Parking,” he added.
Foolsgoldfeather said that last fall,
he took it upon himself to do a
nonscientiFic poll of NUL students.
His goal: to determine “parking.”
“Parking parking parking?”
■ r**'* r.
l
Foolsgoldfeather asked students all
across campus.
“Garage garage garage,” he said
they replied.
“Oooh,” Foolsgoldfeather said.
“Parking bad. Garage good.”
Foolsgoldfeather then took the re
sults of his little poll to the evil min
ions of the university Parking Ain’t
really Crappy committee.
“Parking parking parking GA
RAGE parking parking parking,”
Foolsgoldfeather said to the minions.
“GARAGE GARAGE GARAGE!”
But the gurus were not convinced.
"Fees fees fees,* they said.
But Foolsgoldfeather was un
daunted. He continued his fightagainst
the evil forces of PArC by teaming up
with the Andrew Cheeserson and the
benevolent monarchs of ANUS.
“Parking parking parking GA
RAGE parking panting parking,”
Foolsgoldfeathcr said to the sinators.
“Parking FEES parking parking park
ing.
“Parking.”
Cheeserson and the other sinators
then forged a pact with PArC increas
ing the cost of parking permits 8.7
percent each year for the next two
years. In exchange for accepting the
increase, ANUS was guaranteed that
all funds raised would go toward the
new garage.
April Day, Fools.
Just 1 ike the AS UN elections,
you students have been duped.
The Daily Harassment is pub
lished every time the stars reach
a certain alignment, and pre
venting publication is impos
sible, so don’t even try. The
issue is a joke, much like the
characters we spoofed. Any
similarities between our char
acters and real people are tragi
cally realistic, but not our fault.
We can only hope this issue
will be accepted in the spirit in
which it was created. It was
done in the satirical spirit of fun.
If humor isn’t your cup-o-tea,
don’t read it. If you like to laugh,
and you don’t mind some harm
less fun, read on._
