-MIWIHIHMUHimRW
Muttering!
I’ve been told I mutter too much.
Well, maybe I haven’t been told,
but I have lots of proof.
When I speak, my friends say,
“What?” My mother says, “Speak up,
dear.” People on the phone say, “Does
anyone in the house speak English?”
My professors start lecturing be
fore I’m done with my question. My
dates leave me in mid-sentence to
search for a girl with crisper enuncia
tion. The only person who under
stands me is my dentist; he’s used to
that sort of speech. But he stuffs big
cotton things in my mouth.
There’s only one thing left todo—
be a lounge singer.
Take Ed, for example. I admire Ed.
He sings every night at a hotel lounge
in Salina, Kan., and I can tell he loves
his work. His rendition of “Roll With
It, Baby” was transformed into “Ooo
eh ay” through his obliteration of all
consonants. It made me melt. Really.
Ed has it made. Every night, his
fingers trace lightly over the ebony
and ivory keys of his electronic piano,
just long enough to touch off the pre
programmed chords. Then he mutters
tonelessly into the mike. Pronuncia
tion, audibility, notes — all mean
nothing to Ed. Just keep the lushes
dancing and consume enough Jim
Beam to survive until pay day.
On second thought, I don’t think I
could handle such a glamorous life.
Sure, I’m tone-deaf and I mutter a lot,
but it would take all my strength to
keep me from throwing myself off the
roof of the hotel if I were doomed to
spend my life in Salina, Kan.
I could be a leggy supermodel in
stead.
I’d change my name to Shelley,
because having your name end in an
“ee” sound like Kathy Ireland, Cindy
Crawford and Twiggy is a require
ment for being a leggy supermodel.
Pronunciation,
audibility, notes —
all mean nothing
to Ed. Just keep
the lushes dancing
and consume
enough Jim Beam
to survive until
pay day.
No verbal skills required here, ei
ther. It doesn’t matter that I’m a tone
deaf mutterer. Most red-blooded
males wouldn’t care if I sounded like
Mel Tillis. Just squeeze my beautiful
butt into something tight, cover my
nipples and have my picture taken.
Hollywood, here I come.
»
Well, maybe not. Anyone who’s
seen me around campus can tell you I
can barely get my not-so-beautiful
butt into my own jeans. My nipples
are almost always covered, but I still
don’t think it’ll work. Besides, Lycra
makes me itch.
No, I want to be president.
I can see it now — living in a big
white house with a huge yard, perfect
for touch football or lawn darts, and a
nice oval office all my own. No typ
ing, no Lycra, no Salina. Just spend
my days formulating policies and
bitching about congressmen who want
my nice oval office.
And again, there’s no communica
tion required. I’d mutter to the Ameri
can public through TV speeches
worded in general, patriotic phrases
that never get to the real beef of what
I want to do. Only me and my cronies
need to know what’s going on. What
the people don’t know won’t hurt
‘em. They’ll trust me. Afterall, I gave
up being a leggy supermodel to run
the nation.
Of course, if the people ever found
out what was going on behind their
backs, they might decide to throw my
muttering butt from the roof, or worse
yet, make me the lounge singer at the
Watergate Hotel.
What a sad fate is this! Is there no
place left in world for the enunciation
impaired? Must I always be as clear as
the gin that flows through Ed’s veins?
I like muttering. I keep quiet when
I want to speak the truth, but not too
loudly.
Maybe instead I can scream abso
lute nonsense.
When I want to, I could tell the
acne-faced teen behind the counter at
Burger King “I want to bear your
children. Take me now!” instead of
“I’d 1 ike a Whopper, no on ions please. ’ ’
In class, rather than saying, “But
the political and territorial conse
quences of Manifest Destiny could
not be foreseen in Jefferson’s time,” I
could scream, “Eh, shaddup, you bald
headed fart!”
Or maybe I should just say what I
have to say, loud and clear. Take a
stand and take the consequences.
Sure, muttering is the safe way out.
But six months between cleanings is
too long to wait for conversation.
Pauiman Is a senior news-editorial and
history major and a Daily Nebraskan pho
tographer and columnist.
-■ i n
Waco proves gun control needed
Gun lovers everywhere can take
heart over the developments
over the past week in Waco,
Texas.
The Second Amendment lives.
Waco — is it way-ko or wack-o?
—is the sight of the compound of cult
leader David Koresh. Koresh, who
thinks he is Jesus Christ, has holed
himself and 100 others in his com
pound and refuses to come out.
About 200 law enforcement offic
ers have surrounded Koresh’s com
pound and would like all of the cult
members to surrender immediately.
Usually law enforcement officers get
their way — especially when they
have the backing of armored person
nel carriers.
- But Koresh and his followers are
so well-armed that the police can’t
make them surrender. They stormed
the compound a week ago, but de
cided that wasn’t such a good idea
after 16 agents were wounded and
four were killed in the attempt.
The National Rifle Association
believes that everyone should be able
to have just about any kind of gun they
want, so they must be very pleased to
see David Koresh and his followers
out on the forefront of Second Amend
ment rights. All the work NR A lobby
ists have done to ensure guns are as
easy toobtain as candy in this country
has made the situation in Waco pos
sible.
Thank God we have groups like
the NR A out there protecting us. If we
didn’t, Koresh and his followers might
not have been able to arm themselves
to the teeth.
The four federal agents killed in
the attack on the Waco compound
might still be alive, but that is a small
price to pay to ensure that every
American has access to armor-pierc
ing bullets.
What kind of country would this
be, anyway, if buying a handgun
wasn’t easier than getting a credit
card?
Thank God we
have groups like
the NRA out there
protecting us. If we
didn’t, Koresh and
his followers might
not have been able
to arm themselves
to the teeth.
Of course, I don’t think the NRA is
really pleased about what is happen
ing in Waco. But the fact remains that
the daily work they do fighting gun
control laws allows events like Waco
to happen more and more frequently.
People who should never have ac
cess to firearms are buying them with
ease and using them in schools, play
grounds, restaurants, offices and on
the streets. People are dying every
day because there are far too many
guns in this country.
You need a license to drive a car in
America. But you can buy and use a
firearm with little hassle and fewer
qualifications.
Even a man who thinks he is Jesus
Christ and is prepared to take al I of his
followers and as many others as he
can with him to the next life can buy
weapons. Lots of them.
I certainly don ’ t want to take away
anyone’s rights. But someone who
believes he is Christ and has suicidal
tendencies should not be allowed to
buy a bow and arrow, let alone a gun.
Anyone with even the slightest iden
tity crisis might be better off staying
away from firearms.
But we don’t have to worry. The
NRA is out there, protecting us. And
they are going to make sure that weap
ons will always be plentiful and in the
hands of just about everyone.
Without their vigilant help and
work, people like David Koresh might
not be able to buy guns. There would
be a lot fewer murders and our streets
might be safer.
But then we would have to give up
our absolute right to obtain firearms
over the counter like aspirin or orange
juice. We’re not going to let that
happen — more people might live to
see tomorrow if we did.
Human life isn’t that important,
anyway. Not nearly as important as an
absolute right to buy guns.
The right of responsible gun own
ers to own a firearm should not be
taken away. But that right must be
weighed against the death and de
struction that firearms cause every
year in the United States.
If groups like the NRA continue
their narrow pursuit of a society in
which anyone and everyone can own
a weapon, more and more people will
die with firearms every year.
Eventually, enough bloodied play
grounds, cull compounds*and city
streets may be enough to convince
people that the NRA is wrong and gun
control is needed in the United States.
In October, we dodged a bullet
here at the University of Nebraska
Lincoln when a man walked into
Ferguson Hall with a gun and the
apparent intention to use it. Next time
we might not be so lucky.
Every day around the United States,
others aren’t.
Fitzpatrick is a Junior political science ,
major and the Daily Nebraskan opinion page
editor. ; , f'
■
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FLAG LINE AUDITIONS
(First round session)
March 30, 31
and April 1
7 p.m. to 9 p.m.
Schulte Field House
Use entrance off of Avery Avenue
Auditions are open to academically eligible UNL
students and incoming freshmen. No previous
experience required. Dress for movement and wear
tennis shoes. Equipment will be provided. If you
have a schedule conflict, another first round audition
session is set for Saturday, June 26. Second round
auditions scheduled for August 14-20. For more
information call 472-2505.
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