—p
^^^^^^am^Mehsling/ON
Kevorkian will be remembered as a pioneer
Dr. Jack was at it again this week
— lucky No. 13.
Kevorkian is infamous now as
the Doctor of Death. He goes in
dustriously about his “ghoulish"
avocation—easing the seriously ill
into oblivion.
Portrayed as a bizarre cross be
tween a physician and a mortician,
a kind of mad scientist, he plum
mets dizzily into insa nity by the end
of the film.
Moral: "No man may play God."
Eerie violins. Fade to black.
As if we might cheat death.
“What a tragedy!" Limp
schoolmarms moan over the loss of
a Byron or Keats in his prime. Yeah,
they’d be writing some doozies
today, boy. If only they’d lived.
Elvis is dead. Buddha is dead.
Casanova is dead. As are JanisJoplin,
Marie Antoinette and Lady Godiva.
All of them, dead. Adolph and
Eva, both dead.
Now I’ve got nothing against the
dead; some of my best friends are
dead. But I’m in no hurry to join
them. Though I will.
I will join them, the nameless,
memoryless dead. I will go down to
them but they will never return to
me.
Life is a tempoftry arrangement,
like subletting an apartment —
sometimes the lease gets renewed
again and again untiiyou think of
the place as your own.
Tnen a telegram arrives. The
phone rings in the middle of the
night; the owners show up on the
landing with their luggage.
One fall off a ladder, one whiff
of poison. The taste of bitter al
monds or the sight of onrushing
traffic. Ttien, nothing, not even
darkness.
And for some, the messages are
long and painful ones. A loss of
health or clarity of thought, a slow
winding down into nothing. Ter
rible.
Imagine life in a nursing home.
A single visit to one of these esj^b
lishments casts yellow, dirty light
on the wish for a long life.
Being all alone, visited once a
year by grandchildren, having out
lived your own sons and daugh
ters.
Shuffled about by overworked
employees in antiseptic white, the
reek of your own body rotting
away beneath you.
No.
Kevorkian faces the same kind
of su perstitious ignorance that Salk’s
vaccine met in the backwaters of
this country.
King, DN columnist discuss AbUJN
(Editor’s note: The following col
umn is fictional.)
From CNN, Feb. 17,1993
Larry King: We’re back, with DN
columnist Sam Kepfield. WeVe
received some calls in the past,
asking that you run for ASUN Presi
dent. Would you do it?
Sam Kepfield: Larry, I didn’t
come here to talk about that. I came
here to discuss getting this univer
sity back on its feet.
LK: But would you do it, if enough
people asked you?
SK: Larry, I don’t want this job. I
wouldn’t give you three cents for it.
It’s a nasty, thankless, dirty task.
LK: What do you see as the chief
issue facing the university today?
SK: It’s simple. We have an admin
istration, a student government and
regents that have lost touch with
the students. We’ve got a govern
ment that’s coming at us, not from
us. And we’ve two look-alike can
didates running against each other,
LK: So they’re not focusing on is
sues, correct?
SK: That’s right. Now what you’ve
got to do is just get down to busi
ness and fix it. The budget cuts, the
regents, you’ve got to nave some
one who’s willing to get under the
hood and fix it, from day one.
LK: You’ve been seen as a fairlv
take-charge person—do you think
you’re the one to do it?
SK: (Pauses). All right. I don’t want
to do it, but if the students at the
University ofNebraska-Lincoln want
me to, I promise them a world-class
campaign.
LK: Will you spend your own
money, and got around the ASUN
spendi ng limits? Some people might
see that as buying the election.
SK: They’re right. I am buying it,
and using my influence as a colum
nist, but I’m buying and stealing it
for the students.
LX: What about the budget? How
do you get more money, and yet
find funds for repairs and mainte
nance of Richards and Burnett Halls,
for example?
SK: I can do it without breaking a
sweat, Larry. All you got to do is
find all the waste, fraud and abuse
in the state budget, and get rid of it.
It’s just that simple.
LK: What about other schools, like
UNO and UNK?
SK: For years, we’ve been carrying
the burden for them, but I think the
time has come for us to tell them to
make their own way. We have our
own problems here, and if my plan
goes through, they’ll be rich enough
to fend for themselves.
LK: There’s been controversy over
prayer at commencements—
SK: Larry, don’t bother me with
that. I’m focused on fixing the bud
get here.
LK: All right, what about groups
like COLAGF., that want funding?
SK: Well, I think they would pose a
security risk, and so I wouldn’t
have them on my cabinet, since it
would detract from them doing
their job.
LK: We’reupagainsttheclockhere,
Sam, but if you’d like to say a few
words to close out about your can
didacy, go right ahead.
SK: Thank you, Larry. Folks, I’m just
an old junkyard dog. The VOICE
and PARTY parties might think I’m
crazy, and that you’re crazy for
supporting me. Well, I think that
makes us all a bunch of crazy
people. (Laughs).
What you’re going to see over
the next few weeks will be a con
certed effort to redefine my charac
ter, fueled by opposition research
of ASUN, belter known as the "dirty
tricks" crowd. It’s not relevant, but
if they want to get it on, then they
ought to do it, and quit hiding
behind their women.
Folks, we’ve got a student gov
ernment that’s out of touch. I prom
ise that if elected, 1 will set up a
campuswide town hall (meeting,
where y ou ca n ask me a ny quest ion
at all, and have everyone press a
button and vote on an issue. It’s
called democracy.
I am a candidate for ASUN Presi
dent, if the students, the owners of
the university, will write in my
name, and take back your univer
sity. I don’t need it, because no
one’s lived the American dream
like I have, but if you want me to,
then I will go to ASUN and be your
servant.
Sam Kcpfleld fc • DN columnist, and a
Diversion* contributor.
“Taint natural.”
Oh, but it is. Death is natural as
falling off a log (which is as good of
a way to go as any). And it is every
person’s right.
Interminable illness, inoperable
cancer, old age, boredom —r all
perfectly legitimate reasons to cut
your losses and cash your chips.
In the future, after the revolu
tion, when everyone is rational and
good, we will all agree to a person’s
inalienable right to give up the
pursuit of happiness.
In those days, we will recognize
Kevorkiari for what he is: a pioneer
su rrou nded by su perstition and fear.
America 1993: the true, ignorant
savages.
Mark Baldridge is a senior English major
and Arts and Entertainment editor.
SXT7SIIE
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