ater bandits nothing to fear
The water bandits finally sent
my roommates and me the FI
NALnoticc, specifying exactly
what time of day Thursday our water
would be shut off.
I guess five months and 11 days is
about the longest a person can go in
this town without paying the water
bill.
It wasn’t exactly the first “final”
notice we received. That arri ved some
time back in November or so. Another
final notice appeared in the ol’ mail
box last December, and we might
have gotten something in January.
I think that last notice probably
was lost to one of the ferocious dust
rhinos wandering about the house,
though.
But this final, final notice seemed
to be the most final of them all.
“Avoid the inconvenience of be
ing without water,” the letter intoned.
My roommate, Greg, decided that
having no water would be something
of an inconvenience, so he was forced
to get up early to personally pay off
the water bandits bcforc9a.m. in their
hideout at the County-City Building.
I don’t know if having our own
water is worth all that trouble, myself.
The only thing the water company
docs for me is keep my bathroom
floor squishy wet because of some
mysterious leak none of us have been
able to locate.
1 thank the wonderful water ban
ditsevery time I have to swim through
that mess, my own personal Lake
Edna. Perhaps you have one in your
neck of the woods as well.
Maybe I should have stopped Greg
this morning from going kowtow be
fore those slimy water sprites. After
all, I can drink all the free water I want
on campus. Noonc would really mind
if I just sucked on one of these drink
ing fountains all day long, and I could
take showers at the Rcc Center or
some dorm.
For a time this summer when I had
nowhere to live in Lincoln, a friend
and r considered buying a van and a
parking permit and hunkering down
in the Area 20 lot No water bandits
Maybe I should
have stopped Greg
this morning from
going kowtow
before those slimy
water sprites. After
all, I can drink all
the free water 11
want on campus.
would ever find me there.
The water bandits, by themselves,
wouldn’t be so bad. However, the
cable bandits, phone bandits, gas ban -
dits and power bandits all want a piece
of the action. Every time the mail
arrives, it’s always “This will be dis
connected, that will be disconnected,”
whine, whine, whine.
Gosh, I wonder what those nasty
bandits arc going to do to me? I hope
they aren’t planning to SEND ME
ANOTHER LETTER. I’m so ner
vous I feel like locking myself in the
bathroom and passing out.
' But then I’d probably drown in
Lake Edna.
Oh, they’re all the same, dem ban
dits — whole lolta bark and not much
bite. M inncgasco is the only one we ’ vc
paid ip at least two months, and yet I
enjoy the same modem comforts as
anyone.
Sometimes I run through my com
mune, turning on lights, jacking up
the thermostat up to 80 or 90 and
laughing at the bills piled up in the
living room.
“Laugh, laugh,” I cry, sweat pour
ingoffmy body from all thclighlsand
heat. “Laugh, laugh, laugh.” I turn our
major appliances, flush the toilet 500
times and throw open the windows to
drafts.
Then, for a moment or two, I think
of Neil Diamond and smile — no
reason for that, really, just something
Ido.
One utility I do not consider a
bandit is the helpful garbage service,
I think we’ve only paid the garbage
people once since August, and every
week, THERE THEY ARE AT THE
CURB. Our trash disappears for NO
reason.
Apparently, all one has to do to rid
yourself of rubbish is ask politely. It is
quite nice of them, in my opinion, to
empty out Bruiser, our garbage bar
rel, so many times for so little.
Even the other, far more sinister
agencies have a few good points.-For
instance, the cable and phone bandits
not only let us get away with awfully
late payments, but actually beg us to
sign up for OTHER services we forget
to pay for,such as Showtime or Caller
ID.
C’mon you bandits! Mail all the
“final” notices you fancy — we’ll
throw you a couple scraps and send ya
packin’.
Hell, all the bills arc in Greg’s
name, anyhow. 4
Even .when we do occasionally
decide to pay off one monopoly or
another, they resist. The last time I
paid the phone bill, an operator-type
iady called me up and claimed Lin
coln Telephone and Telegraph
wouldn’t be able to cash my check
made out to “phone bandits.”
“You cashed the one made out to
‘phone phreaks’ last lime,” I coun
tered. But there is no arguing with a
bureaucracy.
At least we don’t have to worry
about the water bandits again until
July.
Phelps is a junior news-editorial m^jor,
the Daily Nebraskan managing editor and a
columnist
TV sets high standard for love
Valentine’s Day is coming up.
I know because my
boyfriended roommate told
me.
She knows because she’s in love.
Many of my friends arc in love,
actually. They whine and they coo
and they change their voices when
they answer the phone.
They takcconvcrsalion hearts per
sonally and get sappy when they lis
ten to Air Supply. And they con
stantly find new and exciting ways to
use words like “Dan” and “Kevin” in
every sentence.
Yup, they’re in Love.
So Valentine's Day is a big deal.
It’s an excuse locrank up the schmooze
and cal lots of chocolate.
Even when they’re not in love,
Valentine’s Day is a big deal. They
cry and reassure each other that there
are millions of fish in the sea.
Or they wax poetic about the free
dom of being single. The wonderful
limes spent with friends.
I play along. I know all the lines
and when to use them.
“Hc’sgreat. I’m so happy for you.”
“Don’t worry, your Mr. Right is
out there somewhere.”
“Men, who needs them?”
But, the truth is, I have no idea
what I’m saying. I don’t have a prob
lem with love and hearts and stuff—
I just don’t understand it all.
I think I missed out on something
during my formative years. Maybe I
was gone the day they discussed “Why
You Want to Spend the Rest of Your
Life With Someone” in junior high
health class. That was probably the
same day they made us run the mile.
Or, like my many other innumer- l
able character flaws, it could be the
result of poor role models. When in <
doubt, blame it on your parents, I
always say.
Whilcall of my boyfriend-monger i
friends were watching their parents <
relate and bond as parents do, I was
At about 14, when
“The Love Boat”
was long gone, J
realized I would
never eat at the
captain’s table, but
it was too late. The
damage was done.
watching “The Love Boat.”
When their subconsciouses were
hard at work developing “happy-ever
aficr with the one I love” goals, I was
parked in front of the lube thinking
how great it would be to smooch with
Scott Baio on the Promenade Deck.
When I heard “Come aboard, we’re
expecting you,” I knew that velvety
voice was singing for me.
Marriage? Children? Split-level
house and picket fence? Not when I
can take exciting jaunts to sunny
Acapulco with an out-of-work sitcom
casanova every week.
Why do dinner and a movie when
I could party with Charo ‘til the cows
come home? Oochic-coochic!
Forget a lifetime partnership. “The
Love Boat” gang taught me that the
Jest relationships last about 50 min
jtes, except during Christmas spe
:ials.
Alaboul 14, when “The Love Boat”
vas long gone, I realized I would
icvcr cat at the captain’s table, but it
vas loo late. The damage was done.
' In my Love Boat daydreams, I’d
' J ■ /r ■ ■
already met the man for me. There’s
no turning back now.
How can I learn to love an ordinary
mortal man when HE lurks some
where in the back of my heart?
I don’t know his name. I can’t even
make out his face, really. Just his
white shorts, long socks and blinding
smile.
Maybe it’s Gopher or Isaac, I don’t
know.
Maybe my mystery man is Captain
Slubing himself. Say what you like
about Jean-Luc Picard—we all know
which sexy, bald captain came first.
I don’t care who he is—as long as
he’s not Doc. Even at age 7, I saw
through that womanizer.
My love’s name isn’t important.
It’s the way he treats me: “Come, my
Pacific Princess,” he whispers, “moon
light is just right fen* shuffleboard.”
He buys me sweets from the gift
shop, and every lime I leave his side,
he throws streamers.
I know I’ll never meet him or
anyone like him, especially if I stay in
Nebraska. Maybe 1 would if I moved
to a coastal state. \
No. The best thing for me to do is
let goof my sailor Snufflupagus. He’s
not real and he never will be.
Probably, I should adjust my ex
pectations. If I try, I could learn to
love a man who never wears deck
shoes.
I can do it. There must be a 12-stcp
program out there to help me, and
probably a book, too. “Women Who
Love Love Boat Too Much.”
And then love . , . won’t hurt
anymore. There’ll be open smiles and
friendly shores . . . The Love Boat
soon will be making another run.
Drat, I’m doing itagain. this might
be harder than I thought. ,
Rowell Is a junior news-editorial,adver
tising and English major and a Daily Nebras
kan columnist.
Send that Special Someone a _
Teddy Bear to Hug! m
♦Teddy Bears with balloon bouquets
♦Candy & Balloons /
♦Free Delivery in Lincoln Vy
♦OPEN on Valentine's Day! jraf'
Teddy Bear Express
237 S. 70th • 488-7766
Universal
Day of
Prayer
for
Students
SUNDAY, February 14
7:00 P.M.
AT
Cornerstone
640 North 16th Street
SPONSORED BY:
THE LUTHERAN STUDEN CENTER
ST. MARK’S ON THE CAMPUS
UMHE- CORNERSTONE
1993
Homecoming
Steering Committee
Applications
University Program Council
... — ■■ ' ‘ ■ ■ I. ■■■ —.. ■ ,
W’i ;; w]
Due Monday, February 15, 1993
Interviews: Week of Feb. 22
Applications will be available at: 117 NCI
' 200 NCI
. _ , 300NEU
^ ■ -*
<jk1 «*
HOSTS
A Dozen Vase Arranged ROSES
"The most beautiful roses in town"
Jasket: 2 baskets in
one with a bear,
one with
V* ’ ;:«vh
Valentine’s Hours:
Mon-oai 16
Tons of prizes:
Roses from Just Roses
Candy from Incredible Bulk
CP box sets, catalogs + MORE -
