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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 12, 1993)
ater bandits nothing to fear The water bandits finally sent my roommates and me the FI NALnoticc, specifying exactly what time of day Thursday our water would be shut off. I guess five months and 11 days is about the longest a person can go in this town without paying the water bill. It wasn’t exactly the first “final” notice we received. That arri ved some time back in November or so. Another final notice appeared in the ol’ mail box last December, and we might have gotten something in January. I think that last notice probably was lost to one of the ferocious dust rhinos wandering about the house, though. But this final, final notice seemed to be the most final of them all. “Avoid the inconvenience of be ing without water,” the letter intoned. My roommate, Greg, decided that having no water would be something of an inconvenience, so he was forced to get up early to personally pay off the water bandits bcforc9a.m. in their hideout at the County-City Building. I don’t know if having our own water is worth all that trouble, myself. The only thing the water company docs for me is keep my bathroom floor squishy wet because of some mysterious leak none of us have been able to locate. 1 thank the wonderful water ban ditsevery time I have to swim through that mess, my own personal Lake Edna. Perhaps you have one in your neck of the woods as well. Maybe I should have stopped Greg this morning from going kowtow be fore those slimy water sprites. After all, I can drink all the free water I want on campus. Noonc would really mind if I just sucked on one of these drink ing fountains all day long, and I could take showers at the Rcc Center or some dorm. For a time this summer when I had nowhere to live in Lincoln, a friend and r considered buying a van and a parking permit and hunkering down in the Area 20 lot No water bandits Maybe I should have stopped Greg this morning from going kowtow before those slimy water sprites. After all, I can drink all the free water 11 want on campus. would ever find me there. The water bandits, by themselves, wouldn’t be so bad. However, the cable bandits, phone bandits, gas ban - dits and power bandits all want a piece of the action. Every time the mail arrives, it’s always “This will be dis connected, that will be disconnected,” whine, whine, whine. Gosh, I wonder what those nasty bandits arc going to do to me? I hope they aren’t planning to SEND ME ANOTHER LETTER. I’m so ner vous I feel like locking myself in the bathroom and passing out. ' But then I’d probably drown in Lake Edna. Oh, they’re all the same, dem ban dits — whole lolta bark and not much bite. M inncgasco is the only one we ’ vc paid ip at least two months, and yet I enjoy the same modem comforts as anyone. Sometimes I run through my com mune, turning on lights, jacking up the thermostat up to 80 or 90 and laughing at the bills piled up in the living room. “Laugh, laugh,” I cry, sweat pour ingoffmy body from all thclighlsand heat. “Laugh, laugh, laugh.” I turn our major appliances, flush the toilet 500 times and throw open the windows to drafts. Then, for a moment or two, I think of Neil Diamond and smile — no reason for that, really, just something Ido. One utility I do not consider a bandit is the helpful garbage service, I think we’ve only paid the garbage people once since August, and every week, THERE THEY ARE AT THE CURB. Our trash disappears for NO reason. Apparently, all one has to do to rid yourself of rubbish is ask politely. It is quite nice of them, in my opinion, to empty out Bruiser, our garbage bar rel, so many times for so little. Even the other, far more sinister agencies have a few good points.-For instance, the cable and phone bandits not only let us get away with awfully late payments, but actually beg us to sign up for OTHER services we forget to pay for,such as Showtime or Caller ID. C’mon you bandits! Mail all the “final” notices you fancy — we’ll throw you a couple scraps and send ya packin’. Hell, all the bills arc in Greg’s name, anyhow. 4 Even .when we do occasionally decide to pay off one monopoly or another, they resist. The last time I paid the phone bill, an operator-type iady called me up and claimed Lin coln Telephone and Telegraph wouldn’t be able to cash my check made out to “phone bandits.” “You cashed the one made out to ‘phone phreaks’ last lime,” I coun tered. But there is no arguing with a bureaucracy. At least we don’t have to worry about the water bandits again until July. Phelps is a junior news-editorial m^jor, the Daily Nebraskan managing editor and a columnist TV sets high standard for love Valentine’s Day is coming up. I know because my boyfriended roommate told me. She knows because she’s in love. Many of my friends arc in love, actually. They whine and they coo and they change their voices when they answer the phone. They takcconvcrsalion hearts per sonally and get sappy when they lis ten to Air Supply. And they con stantly find new and exciting ways to use words like “Dan” and “Kevin” in every sentence. Yup, they’re in Love. So Valentine's Day is a big deal. It’s an excuse locrank up the schmooze and cal lots of chocolate. Even when they’re not in love, Valentine’s Day is a big deal. They cry and reassure each other that there are millions of fish in the sea. Or they wax poetic about the free dom of being single. The wonderful limes spent with friends. I play along. I know all the lines and when to use them. “Hc’sgreat. I’m so happy for you.” “Don’t worry, your Mr. Right is out there somewhere.” “Men, who needs them?” But, the truth is, I have no idea what I’m saying. I don’t have a prob lem with love and hearts and stuff— I just don’t understand it all. I think I missed out on something during my formative years. Maybe I was gone the day they discussed “Why You Want to Spend the Rest of Your Life With Someone” in junior high health class. That was probably the same day they made us run the mile. Or, like my many other innumer- l able character flaws, it could be the result of poor role models. When in < doubt, blame it on your parents, I always say. Whilcall of my boyfriend-monger i friends were watching their parents < relate and bond as parents do, I was At about 14, when “The Love Boat” was long gone, J realized I would never eat at the captain’s table, but it was too late. The damage was done. watching “The Love Boat.” When their subconsciouses were hard at work developing “happy-ever aficr with the one I love” goals, I was parked in front of the lube thinking how great it would be to smooch with Scott Baio on the Promenade Deck. When I heard “Come aboard, we’re expecting you,” I knew that velvety voice was singing for me. Marriage? Children? Split-level house and picket fence? Not when I can take exciting jaunts to sunny Acapulco with an out-of-work sitcom casanova every week. Why do dinner and a movie when I could party with Charo ‘til the cows come home? Oochic-coochic! Forget a lifetime partnership. “The Love Boat” gang taught me that the Jest relationships last about 50 min jtes, except during Christmas spe :ials. Alaboul 14, when “The Love Boat” vas long gone, I realized I would icvcr cat at the captain’s table, but it vas loo late. The damage was done. ' In my Love Boat daydreams, I’d ' J ■ /r ■ ■ already met the man for me. There’s no turning back now. How can I learn to love an ordinary mortal man when HE lurks some where in the back of my heart? I don’t know his name. I can’t even make out his face, really. Just his white shorts, long socks and blinding smile. Maybe it’s Gopher or Isaac, I don’t know. Maybe my mystery man is Captain Slubing himself. Say what you like about Jean-Luc Picard—we all know which sexy, bald captain came first. I don’t care who he is—as long as he’s not Doc. Even at age 7, I saw through that womanizer. My love’s name isn’t important. It’s the way he treats me: “Come, my Pacific Princess,” he whispers, “moon light is just right fen* shuffleboard.” He buys me sweets from the gift shop, and every lime I leave his side, he throws streamers. I know I’ll never meet him or anyone like him, especially if I stay in Nebraska. Maybe 1 would if I moved to a coastal state. \ No. The best thing for me to do is let goof my sailor Snufflupagus. He’s not real and he never will be. Probably, I should adjust my ex pectations. If I try, I could learn to love a man who never wears deck shoes. I can do it. There must be a 12-stcp program out there to help me, and probably a book, too. “Women Who Love Love Boat Too Much.” And then love . , . won’t hurt anymore. There’ll be open smiles and friendly shores . . . The Love Boat soon will be making another run. Drat, I’m doing itagain. this might be harder than I thought. , Rowell Is a junior news-editorial,adver tising and English major and a Daily Nebras kan columnist. Send that Special Someone a _ Teddy Bear to Hug! m ♦Teddy Bears with balloon bouquets ♦Candy & Balloons / ♦Free Delivery in Lincoln Vy ♦OPEN on Valentine's Day! jraf' Teddy Bear Express 237 S. 70th • 488-7766 Universal Day of Prayer for Students SUNDAY, February 14 7:00 P.M. AT Cornerstone 640 North 16th Street SPONSORED BY: THE LUTHERAN STUDEN CENTER ST. MARK’S ON THE CAMPUS UMHE- CORNERSTONE 1993 Homecoming Steering Committee Applications University Program Council ... — ■■ ' ‘ ■ ■ I. ■■■ —.. ■ , W’i ;; w] Due Monday, February 15, 1993 Interviews: Week of Feb. 22 Applications will be available at: 117 NCI ' 200 NCI . _ , 300NEU ^ ■ -* <jk1 «* HOSTS A Dozen Vase Arranged ROSES "The most beautiful roses in town" Jasket: 2 baskets in one with a bear, one with V* ’ ;:«vh Valentine’s Hours: Mon-oai 16 Tons of prizes: Roses from Just Roses Candy from Incredible Bulk CP box sets, catalogs + MORE -