Dan
Continued from Page 12
just creates a lot of undue stress — undue
distrust, really.”
Education about safe sex over the past
few years has made huge strides towards
controlling the spread of the virus, he
says, but the government didn’t act as
soon as it should have to warn people
“It’s putting so many pressures on the
health care system now, and the Social
Security system. If the government had
woken up, they could have prevented all
of it. I just feel that they really let us down
in that aspect.”
And while the homosexual community
has responded accordingly to education,
he says, the heterosexual community is
lagging.
“A lot of people look at HIV as a bunch
of homosexual men whq deserve it. No
one deserves it.
“And this virus doesn’t know sexual
orientation, it doesn’t know color, it doesn’t
know what sex you are. The heterosexual
> community better wake up, ‘cause it’s
spreading rapidly.”
Dan says he sometimes has trouble
understanding why new people, both
homosexuals and heterosexuals, continue
to show up at support group meetings.
“It’s not like I condemn people who
come in now, and say, ‘Why didn’t you
wake up to all the brochures and the
education?’ because it’s a personal choice,
and I feel sorry for anyone who has HIV.
But also, a lot of times, I can’t consider
themselves in my same category, because,
I believe I am highly educated, and if I
had known about it then, I definitely
would not be in this boat today.”
Looking back seven years, Dan says
he feels no bitterness towards the
two people he believes could have
transmitted the virus to him.
“A lot of people spend too much time
when they get HIV asking, ‘Oh, who did
I get it from, who did I get it from?’ I told
the two people that I felt I could have
Gotten it from. I spent maybe a couple
ays thinking about it. It doesn’t even
cross my mind hardly anymore_I kind
of wonder how those two people are doing.
But I don’t place any blame. The only one
I place blame on is the federal govern
ment for not telling us sooner—knowing
about it sooner but not telling us about it
sooner. It’s hurt a lot of people.”
Dan says he has been more successful
in adjusting to the reality of the disease
than many other gay men.
“A lot of gay men don’t have self-es
teem. They’ve always been put in the
closet. And they don’t have it. They’ll
start drinking or doing drugs, partying a
lot — That’s a big denial phase for a lot of
people. That’s how they’ll deal with it.
The thing is, once you get an HIV diagno
sis, if you have changes that need to be
made in your lifestyle, you’ve got to make
them now. Not five years from now.
“My best friend has full-blown AIDS.
He just got out of the hospital, and he’s
right back to smoking a pack a day. I
guess that’s a form of denial.”
Despite his generally positive outlook,
Dan says he does occasionally question
his own future.
4
The government is not releasing new
drugs fast enough, he says — it should
make some exceptions to the normal
procedures for getting drugs to treat AIDS
on the market. And he resents not being
able to participate in some of the experi
mental treatments that are available to
HIV-positive people on the East and West
coasts.
But his most pervasive dilemma
centers on whether he ever will
get back into mainstream soci
ety, and whether he ever again
will have a meaningful relationship, he
says.
“I had an ex-lover who said, ‘Why do
vou surround yourself with people who
have HIV?’... Well, this has been my life
now. This is my life. These are my friends.
They’ve been there for me. And I’m there
for them.
“It’s hard for someone who’s HIV nega
tive to understand my issues. ... I find
myself seeking outpeople with HIV more
now than I did before — because of my
longevity . Those who don’t have HIV say,
'God you’ve had it a long time, you’re
going to croak tomorrow.’ That’s how
they look at it, which is sad.
“There was this friend of mine with
full-blown AIDS here about a year ago,
who developed like a two- or three-month
relationship with another person with
full-blown AIDS. But it was the most
powerful relationship he’s ever had. A lot
of people say you can’t make a relation
ship for three months — but they had
something. They had something special,
and they didn’t let their status get in the
Despite such frustrations, the rela
tionships he has formed since contract
mg HIV have been some of his most
rewarding.
“I’ve met some of the greatest people,”
he says — one of whom is a woman he met
at the HIV test site seven years ago.
She’s been there since day one,” he
says of the woman, who works at the test
site. “And, she’s lost a lot of people, you
know, and it’s just amazing how she’ll
look at me and say, What are you doing
right?’ and I’ll say, ‘What are we doing
right.’”
His relationship with his parents also
has evolved to a different level from what
it was when he first told them he had
contracted HIV, he says.
When Dan recently attended a trade
show in Texas with his parents, he de
cided to wear a handicapped sticker as a
precaution for the long day. But he says
his parents weren’t uncomfortable when
others studied him curiously, trying to
figure out what possibly could be his
disability.
“They were just so proud of me.”
But what seems to be most remarkable
is Dan’s own evolution with HIV.
“I’ve experienced so much more than
most people have with this disease. I
think that’s an asset,” he savs with a
laugh. “I say it’s a challenge. I think some
superior power is saying, ‘I’m going
to challenge you with this, and I’m
not going to make it easy.
$
“The ideal life is in our blood and
never will be still. Sad will be the
day for any man when he becomes
contented with the thoughts he is
thinking and the deeds he is
doing, — where there is not forever
beating at the doors of his soul
some great desire to do something
larger, which he knows that he
was meant to do. ”
— Phillips Brooks
The — _ The Sower is the Daily Nebraskan’s
■ M in-depth magazine. Sower editors are:
■ 1 %Jl/ Mm Stacey McKenzie, Roger Price and A1
J/1 Tj JL %/ Schaben. Special thanks to Scott Maurer,
— Jana Pedersen, Kitty Policky, Brian ▲
jyj A G A Z I N E Shellito and the Miller Brewing Co.
Front cover art is by Brian Shellito