The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current, April 15, 1992, The SOWER, Page 13, Image 22

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UNL music professor Jim Hejduk has participated in the Nebraska AIDS project buddy program since 1989.
Professor gives support as AIDS buddy
By John Adkisson
At first glance, James Heiduk and
Dwight Miller were as far apart
as a Massachusetts prep school
and a Nebraska truck stop.
But when Jim, a music professor and
choral director at UNL, met Dwight for
the first time in 1989 at Lincoln General
Hospital, he knew his new friend’s zeal
for living would make up for the differ
ences in their backgrounds.
Dwight, a former truck driver, had
been hospitalized with complications
resulting from AIDS.
Jim, who had come
to Lincoln three years
earlier after teaching
15 years at a private
school in suburban
Boston, was making his
first contact with
Dwight after becoming
involved in the local
AIDS “buddy” program.
After weeks of training on how to
support a person living with the disease,
Jim finally was getting to talk to his first
assigned friend.
“It didn’t take me long to realize that
this was a guy who had an incredible
amount of determination and feistiness,”
Jim said, recalling his first visit. “He was
adamant about insisting that he was a
person living with AIDS, and not a victim
of AIDS.
“He knew he was going to die, but he
wasn’t maudlin about it. He knew he
wasn’t going to be able to beat the dis
ease, but he was going to make every
minute count.
Dwight died two years later, on March
19, 1991. but only after the two had
formed what Jim called “a friendship that
was definitely a two-way street."
“In a sense I feel very selfish. Dwight
did so much more for me than I ever could
have done for him," Jim said.
Before meeting Dwight, Jim had
learned about the AIDS buddy
program, a support organization
coordinated by the Nebraska AIDS
Project, through an article in the Daily
Nebraskan.
Jim said he attended an informational
meeting because in working with music
and another fine arts, he had seen first
hand the effects of AIDS. M
“In the arts — be it music or drama or
dance or visual arts, the specter of AIDS
has been particularly devastating,” he
said. “The arts community has been just
decimated by AIDS deaths. So l felt that
this was just a very small thing that I
could dor
At the first workshop, which told pro
spective buddies how to deal with AIDS,
Jim said he was surprised with the diver
sity of the people in attendance. Along
with Jim, there was a nurse in training,
two college students, a legislative aide,
two retired women and a man who worked
at the state revenue office.
“In the group itself, there were straight
people, there were gay people, there were
men, there were women, the ages ran
from low 20s to the high 70s^ You kind of
never knew what to expect ” Jim said.
“I think the only thing that bound us
together is that we wanted to respond to
this.”
But along with the group’s eagerness
to learn came uncertainty.
“All of us to a certain extent. . . were
wondering what we were getting into and
how we were each individually going to
respond to the people with which we were
going to work.
After completing two weekends of
training, Jim learned he was
paired with Dwight, one of the
leading spokespersons for the
AIDS community.
“He was very frank, going to schools
and talking about safe sex and the dan
gers AIDS presented,” Jim said. “He fig
ured it was like, *What do I have to lose:
“He certainly wasn’t afraid to tell people
the way it really was.”
The two slowly became tnenas ana
found they had at least one thing in
common. Dwight had played the cello in
high school, and he and Jim were able to
find common ground in talking about
music. Dwight soon was coming to see
Jim’s choral groups Derform at UNL.
“Bless his heart, he and his partner
came to a lot of our concerts,” Jim said.
“He was very sweet in that way.”
But Dwight’s biggest passion remained
fighting for people with AIDS. In addi
tion to his work locallv, he also was in
volved on the national scene, once driv
ing to Iowa to get a first-hand look at a
portion of the AIDS quilt, which at the
time consisted of 12,000 panels inscribed
with the names of people who had died
from the disease.
After seeing the quilt in Iowa, Dwight
told Jim that he would like to see it
brought to Lincoln.
“I thought, ‘Dream on,’” Jim said.
A year later, Dwight was on a commit
tee aimed at bringing the quilt to Lincoln.
After raising the money needed, the
quilt went on display in October 1990 and
attracted large crowds to the State Fair
Park.
By the time the quilt made it to Lin
coln, however, Dwight’s condition had
worsened and he had become frail, Jim
said. Even that didn’t stop Dwight from
staying with the quilt during virtually its
entire stay.
“He was there the whole time,” Jim
said. “He was in his wheelchair, and he
kind of whipped around there.”
As Dwight s condition deteriorated, the
two became even closer. But Jim said
Dwight was honest, asking for help only
when he needed it and telling his buddy
to stay away when he wanted privacy.
“Dwight, when he wasn’t feeling well,
was honest and said, ‘I don’t think you’d
better come over today, I’m feeling really
shitty.’” Jim said. “Or, ‘I am feeling pretty
shitty, would you come over? I’d appreci
ate it if you could rub my back, or just sit
and talk.”*
Jim said other AIDS buddies have
become almost too involved in their friends’
affairs. He cited one case in which an
AIDS buddy actually was granted power
of attorney privilege.
“It can go both ways,” Jim said. “If
you’re not careful, you can become a
smother mother.”
Although dim was torcea to watch his
friend’s condition deteriorate, he said
Dwight’s determination made dealing with
it easier for both of them.
“It’s kind of a roller-coaster thing,” Jim
said. “He could be in quite good shape,
and then there would be an intermittent
spell where he would have to iust chill out
and just hit the bed or go to tne hospital.”
By late 1990, Dwight’s health had
worsened to the point that he was con
stantly in and out of the hospital.
More and more, he asked Jim to come
visit him simply to talk.
“As he got closer to death,” Jim said,
“he did a lot of reminiscing, talking about
his cnrandmother or things like that.”
The last night of Dwight’s life was
spent in the hospital, surrounded by his
parents, his partner with whom he lived,
and Jim.
“But before his death, he was bound
and determined that he was going to get
up and walk around the nurses’ pod.
Well, there was no way. But his partner
and I helped him out of bed.... We were
basically supporting him, because he
couldn’t support any kind of weight on
his legs. But we let him kind of levitate a
few steps and let him get back into bed.
“He was so strong — one’s reminded of
the famous story ofBeethoven sitting up
on his death bed and shaking his fist.
There was something rather like that
about Dwight.”
Dwight Miller died later that night.
For Jim, dealing with Dwight’s
death was painful, but he said it
made him even more determined
to do what he could to help and
inform people about AIDS.
“He had come back so many times from
being really bad, that it was still kind of
a shock when he died,” Jim said. “But
there was a tremendous outpouring of
support."
Dwight’s memorial service on March
25,1991, at First Plymouth Church drew
hundreds of people, including commu
nity leaders, other people who had AIDS
and those who had gotten to know him
while he was hospitalized.
“He was the kind of person who made
relationships that transcended purely
professional bounds,” Jim said.
In addition to the support given him by
Dwight’s other friends, Jim said he also
found emotional support through fellow
AIDS buddies, most of whom also had lost
their buddies. •
“One is going to obviously feel a real
sense of loss, and to a certain extent a
sense of helplessness,” Jim said. “You
can’t help but become emotionally at
tached. But that’s what the support group
is for.”
After taking some time off, Jim re
cently was given another buddy
to work witn. He said his new
buddy has not needed him yet,
and that he’s content to just “wait until he
needs some help. You can’t be in a rush.”
Still, he said ne can’t imagine having a
better first AIDS buddy than Dwight.
“I was spoiled to have been matched up
with someone like that,” he said. “I’m not
sure I could’ve handled someone who was
not as strongas Dwight was. I might have
just crumbled under the pressure.”
And after having run through the cycle
of his first AIDS buddy experience, would
Jim recommend the AIDS buddy experi
ence to a friend?
Without a doubt.
“I don’t think you can draw the picture
of the perfect AIDS buddy, because the
whole personal element is kind of the
driving force behind the relationships,”
he said. “But if you care about
people, you can do it. Definitely.”