V _
Brian Shellito/DN
Labels ridiculed in ‘The Dialogue of Cartercrates’
The following dialogue is be
tween Socrates and Cartercrates of
Lincolnilea. The site of the dia
logue is unclear; it probably takes
place outside some public place
where people lditer about and act
philosophical.
SOCRATES: So, Cartercrates, what
brings you to the union today, do
you nave business here?
CARTERCRATES: No, Socrates, I
am simply passing the time. I just
finished giving a presentation to
Alcibiades here on the subject of
music (1). m
S: Really, Cartercrates, I have
heard that you have great knowl
edge in such matters, and I would
like very much to rid myself of my
ignorance. Alas, it would seem that
I have arrived after the plant has
found the bridge (2).
C: Yes, Socrates, it is true that I
have great knowledge of these
things, and I would be happy to
give you a presentation as well.
S: Splendid, my dear Cartercrates,
but I am not fond of presentations,
as you know. Perhaps we could
engage in a discussion, and you
could save this presentation of yours
for another day.
C: Very well, my dear Socrates,
ask me anything you wish.
S: Thank you, Cartercrates, 1 will.
I have heard talk of a thing called
“alternative" music. Is this a thing
with which you are familiar?
C: Yes, of course.
S: Tell me then, son of Samime
ncs of Lincolnilea, what, exactly, is
it?
C: Is this all you want to know?
Why Socrates, even an infant could
tell you this.
S: Well, Cartercrates, since there
is no infant here, you’ll have to do.
C: Really, Socrates, “alternative”
music is the most virtuous and
wonderful of all musical forms.
S: Indeed, Cartercrates, you do
answer much like an infant, but I
don’t wish to hear your infantile
praises of this kind of music. I wish
for you to tell me what “alternative”
music is, and if you would tell me
also what it is an “alternative” to.
C: Well, my friend, it is the music
that is not heard on Top-40 radio,
for it is an “alternative" to this kind
of music.
S: I see, so that would include
the likes of Bob Marley, Branford
Marsalis and Primus?
C: No, not Bob Marley, nor
Marsalis, but certainly Primus, for
they are most “alternative.”
S: Well, I hear none of those
groups just mentioned on Top-40
radio, so how can this be, accord
ing to what Cartercrates says?
C: What I mean is the music
which is non-commercial in na
ture. That which is played on public
radio stations.
S: Indeed, isthiswhatyou mean’
Like Bach, Paginini and the like?
C: No, not at all. I mean the
college radio stations.
S: Well, my friend, I wish you
would say what you mean in the
first place. So, “alternative" music is
the music played on college radio
stations — the ones run by the
colleges?
C: Yes, that is what it is, Socrates.
S: Stations like KRNU?
C: Yes, exactly.
S: Didn’t KRNU start out by play
ing what you call Top 40, and don’t
many other such college-run sta
tions, in fact, play many other so
called "types" of music as well.
C: Well, yes, perhaps I mean that
“alternative” music is that which
they play now on KRNU.
Carter
Van Pelt
S: By the dog, Cartercrates! Is it
or isn’t it?
C: I say it is.
S: So a band that is alternative is
one like xMidnight Oil, Jane’s Ad
diction, U2 or R.E.M., for they are
played on KRNU. One that isn’t
“alternative” would be one like
Living Colour, Dead Kennedys, 999,
Nick Cave, or The Sex Pistols,
because they aren’t played on the
station?
C: OK, all of those are “alterna
tive” bands, but it’s because they
are not commercial that they areso,
not because of KRNU.
S: By the cat, Cartercrates, your
statements do waggle about like
the sick, festering Ionian in the vat
of boiling lemonade (3). What are
you now saying? Groups that are
non-commercial are “alternative”?
C: Yes, that is how it is.
S: How marvelous, Cartercrates,
this is the part of discussions I love
the most. This is where my victims
abandon their initial statements,
and I use my vastly superior intel
lect to set them up and chop them
off at the knees like the old Persian
who wore cylindrical boots (4).
However, I assure you, my friend,
that I am in this discussion to gain
knowledge, and not to humiliate
you in front of this rather large and
influential crowd gathered here —
the ones who are jeering you and
throwing things. Pay no attention
to them.
To continue with the contes...
discussion, groups like R.E.M., U2,
and Jane’s Addiction are said by
Cartercrates to be “alternative," so
it follows that they are non-com
mercial?
C: Yes, that is how it is.
S: By non-commercial, you mean
that which lacks in commercial
success?
C: Yes.
S: So, lacking in commercial
success according to Cartercrates is
selling several million copies of
albums, and playing concerts in
football stadiums?
C: OK, Socrates, so those bands
aren’t “alternative,” but commer
cial, by my definition. By non
commercial, I mean those that some
people listen to, but not too many
— not a horde of people.
S: Excellent, Cartercrates, you
now give me the opportunity to
make you look foolish by using
one of my favorite paradoxes.
Suppose you have one person lis
tening to a band and no more.
Would this band be “alternative”?
C: Yes, I say, for no horde listens
to them.
S: Suppose we add another
person to this band’s group of fans
— making two. Is this a horde?
C: Certainly not.
S: Suppose we continues this
process. One by one we add fans.
i i ——^
At what point do we have this
horde of yours that makes a band
“commercial” and not “alternative?”
C: OK, Socrates, I don’t know
what constitutes a horde. Maybe
“alternative” is when you have a
skinny butt, sideburns and Manch
esterian accent.
S: So those bands with fat butts
like TAD . . .
C: OK! OK! So I don’t know
what it is Mr. Smarty-robes! You say
you are ignorant in these matters,
but you seem to know sooooo
much. You tell me what kind of
music you think "alternative” mu
sic is.
S: Very well, my young and
humbled friend, I will tell you. I
think it isn’t any kind of music at
all.
This forcing of words
upon music is done in
order to do something
that is very dependent
upon words — making
money. / believe the
same to be the case
with all the so-called
*types " of music. There
are so many different
artists, songs and
sounds which utterly
defy description that it
is meaningless to cate
gorize them.
C: What? Ridiculous!
S: I think not, oh dog-faced one.
I think is not a kind of music, but a
mere label, a tag, a handle. It is a
mere name created by the music
industry to describe something that
can’t be described in words, namely
music — which is itself a category
of sounds whose meaning is un
clear.
This forcing of words upon music
is done in order to do something
that is very dependent upon words
— making money. I believe the
same to be the case with all the so
called “types” of music. There are
so many different artists, songs,
and sounds which utterly defy
description that it is meaningless to
categorize them.
People would be better and more
virtuous if they merely concerned
themselves with whether they gain
pleasure and satisfaction from that
to which they listen, instead of
worrying about whether or not it is
of one type or another.
Only the industry benefits from
this group labeling, and therefore I
will have none of it, and neither
will you, Cartercrates, if you are
wise.
By the way, Alcibiades, are you
done taping my Butthole Surfers
CD yet?
(1) Alcibiades was an Athenian general
and a friend of Socrates.
(2) Socrates here is referring to the ob
scure Greek poem of the plant searching for
the bridge It is somewhat ak in to the modern
phrase, “l guess I'm too late."
0) An even more obscure reference to a
poorly groomed man from Iona who failed in
the attempt of a party stunt.
(4) We have no idea what the hell he
means by this.
Van Pelt is a junior broadcasting
major and a Daily Nebraskan staff re
porter.
WE'RE FIGHTING FOR YOUR LIFE
American Heart Association
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WERE FIGHTING FOR
VOURUFE
American Heart
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Nebraska Affiliate
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1823 'O'St.
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carson theater, 11th & ‘q’
premiere of two new works:
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guest artists:
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tickets on sale now!
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