CHUCK GREEN
Midwest needs speech lesson
Feopie around here need to learn
to talk gooder.
Yes, even here in the Mid
west, where speech is supposedly un
obstructed by accents. No Southern
drawl, no Boston or Brooklyn accents
(except oyer at the Comhusker bas
ketball office), and no California Val
speak, so to speak.
There are none of the annoying
“eh’”s or nasal vowel sounds of Wis
consin or Minnesota and there’s little
of the jive found in bigger cities.
No. People around here enunciate
pretty clearly. It’s just what some people
say that grinds like an electric carving
knife on a cinder block.
The problem isn’t hereditary, nor
is it caused by the fluoride in the
drinking water. It’s through repeated
misuse and misdirected teaching by
example that these offenses against
the English language occur. Here are
some of the worst:
• “Excape” (escape). “The guy
kicked me in the groin and excaped.”
This begins in the early childhood
years and testers like an open wound
into a shocking display of stupidity
among adults. Years of speech ther
apy are required to right this wrong.
Just don’t plan on getting that speech
therapy at the University of Nebraska
Lincoln.
•“Expeshully” (especially). “This
word is expeshully hard for a dolt like
me to pronounce.”
Obviously, this is a close cousin to
the word you stuttered above it Again,
it happens among little kids whose
parents think it’s just the “cutest wittle
thing” they’ve seen.
But after their kids get their law
degrees and lose cases over it, it’s not
so funny.
• “Hambooger” (hamburger). “I’d
like a hambooger with my oatmeal,
please.”
I think this one came from the
“Brady Bunch,” or some such show.
Way to go, Marcia.
When someone mispronounces this
People gaiuud
here need to learn to
talk fooder.
Kes. even hei& in
the Midwest, whin
speech is supposedly
unobstructed bv
asxenis,
word in your presence, well, give
them what they want.
• “Youz” (you). “Youz guys bet
ter not leave your car there.” I tell
ya’z, television shows such as “Taxi*
and “All in the Family” made thisone
slick.
• “Probly” (probably). “You’ll
probly never talk gooder than I does.’
This display of laziness is inexpli
cable. It no doubt is the product of a
demented childhood and should be
rectified with shock therapy.
• “Strenth” (strength). r‘Washing
ton’s defensive line had a lot of strenth.”
This almost always spews from
the mouths of moron athletes or theii
coaches. Ridiculous.
• “Ax” (ask). “I have to ax the
coach when I get paid this week.” Sec
‘strenth.”
•“Controvcr-seal” (controversial,
sounds like “controvcr-shul”). “This
is a controver-seal subject.”
This is one of several almost
uniquely Nebraskan slip-ups. It’s jusi
because of, uh ... uh ... well, how
would I know? I don’t do it.
• “Crick” (creek). “Pull yer sis
ter’s head out of the crick.” See “con
trover-seal.”
• “Warsh” (wash). “If you don’t
stop putting yer sister’s head in the
crick. I’m gonna warsh yer mouth out
with lard.” See “crick.”
•“Granite” (granted). “Don’tever
take the existence of a college at UNL
for granite.” Hmmm ... Is it just me,
or do you almost always associate
this one with allegedly well-educated
politicians?
• “Nookyaler” (nuclear). “It would
suck to have a nookyaler war.”
It is particularly scary when a high
ranking government official — such
as the president — mispronounces
this word seven times in one speech.
There are even a couple of mis
guided phrases that wriggle into eve
ryday conversations. Two that imme
diately come to mind:
• “Could care less” (couldn’t care
less). “I could care less if you ran over
my REO Speedwagon album, jerk.”
This phrase was popularized by
the “Peanuts” comic strip and televi
sion cartoons in the 1960s. Some
where along the line, it lost the “n’t”
from “couldn’t,” transforming any
one who says it that way into an
oblivious ass.
• “Intensive purposes” (intents and
purposes). “For all intensive purposes,
I talk pretty goodly.”
This, like lots of other stupid things,
evolved during the Reagan era. Al
though it’s not clear who said it first,
it is clear that Vice President Dan
Quayle uses it more than a cat uses a
litter box.
America, it’s time to shape up.
Don’t be like Dan Quayle. Leam to
talk bettercr.
Green is a senior news-editorial journal
ism m^jor, the Daily Nebraskan’s assistant
sports editor and a columnist
Short-sightedness at UNL? Hmmmmm.
Things that make you go,
“hmmmmmm.” Like many who
watched the Nebraska-Washington
football game, 1 was disappointed in
the outcome. How could a team play
so well in the fust half and then crumble
to pieces in the second?
I have heard that falling to pieces
late in the game is fairly common to
Nebraska football teams. Why is this?
Can’t we train our players to play
hard a full four quarters? I do not
blame the players.
During the telecast of the game,
there was a smal I piece on the streng th
complex that the players use to get in
shape. The announcer noted that the
goal of the trainers was to use anaero
bic, rather than aerobic, training.
The idea, I guess, was that bigger,
stronger and heavier players would
play better. Good, strong hearts, I
gather, are not necessary for winning
football. But then these bigger, stronger
and heavier players ran out of energy
in the second half. How could the
coaching staff have been so short
sighted? Hmmmmmm.
It is not so surprising that the coaches
opted for strength over endurance.
This seems to be a general problem
for many people. In the short run,
getting good grades is important; but
getting a good education requires
focusing on long-term goals. In the
short run, cutting the classics and
speech communication departments
may help control spending; but en
suring a high quality and diverse
education for University of Nebraska
Lincoln graduates requires long-term
planning. Hmmmmmm.
It is suddenly not so surprising that
the team could not play the full four
quarters with the desired intensity.
That is apparently not our goal. We
seem more interested in immediate
results, rather than long-term impli
cations. We may then rest in great
confidence knowing that the gradu
ates of this fine institution will be the
biggest, strongest and best-looking
patrons of the unemployment lines.
Hmmmmmm.
Douglas Weber
graduate student
philosophy
1 1
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