Addiction Harris Labs only threat
By Marie Baldridge
Staff Reporter _
I’ve had too few hours stoned
out of my mind, watching cable TV
on a big screen.
I’ve had hardly any free games
of pool.
I feel a real need for confine
ment with crazy people.
In short: I haven’t spent nearly
enough time at Harris Labs this
summer.
For those not already in the
know, Harris Labs is a pharmaceu
tical testing gig—and Mecca to the
indigent of Lincoln.
In the name of science and big
business the fine folks there will
dope you to the gills and plop you
down in front ol “Earnest Goes to
Camp" or one of the other quality
HBO reruns, for days on end.
And how much do you pay for
this high? NOTHING! In an Ameri
can day-dream come true, Harris
Labs'pays you, the participant, to
expand your consciousness and
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contribute to the welfare of future
cold sufferers, amnesiacs, heart
transplant donors and other unfor
tunates.
All they require from you in
return is that you wait in line, a lot;
that you eat everything on your
plate (They feed you too. Ain’t that
a kick?); that you stay overnight
(and overnight and overnight) in
their cQmfy cubicles; and blood.
Lots of blood. Rivers and oceans of
blood — every quarter of an hour.
What’s the catch? Well, the rea
son companies are testing these
particular pharmaceuticals is that
they are not sure what they will do.
Oh, don’r get me wrong, they’re
pretty sure. They’ve tested them
on, oh, I don’t know, rats and
things. And you know the FDA,
always nagging, nagging.
If a new analgesic causes all
your hair to fall out, the FDA proba
bly will complain. You’ve got to list
those nasty side effects on the label,
preferably in big letters, “Warning:
Use of this product will cause all
your hair to fall out. Before taking,
consult a beautician.”
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walch for side effects. If you take a
drug and keel over or turn blue,
they want to know that. They want
to write that down.
And say maybe they didn’t give
you a drug, they gave you a pla
cebo. Then if you keel over or turn
blue, why, they write that down
too. It could be catching.
If the term “guinea pig" comes to
mind, well, what if it does? A guinea
pig is a respectable creature. A less
appealing word to have sloshing
around in there is “prostitution."
I couldn't resist the urge to look
up the “P" word in Uncle Webster’s
Big Book of Words. I won’t trouble
you with the sordid details; suffice
it to say that “to sell one’s self" falls
under the general heading.
Far be it from me to* stoop to
moral judgement. Prostitution is a
time honored trade. It’s legal in
places, parts of Nevada for instance.
And each of us must do as our
conscience dictates. Heck, I don’t
even know why it’s illegal. Does
the penicillin cartel have a lobbyist
in Washington? What would we
lose by taxing and regulating this,
the third largest business in Amer
ica? (I made that up.) Fodder for
another rant, dear friends, on an
other day.
The point is: Harris Labs. If you
can hurdle or skirt the moral issue
(if there is one) then you have only
to face the mind-numbing bore
dom, the bizarre and frightening
people you will be locked up with
and the loss of blood.
After a little while, a few visits to
Harris, you will develop scar tissue;
you will hardly feel the needles.
After long enough you may be
come one of the scary people, and
will have no need to fear the weirdos.
And as for boredom, there’s always
television. Always.
In fact, the only real peril from
Harris, the largest anyway, is addic
tion. Not to the drugs, no. To easy i
money.
If you are going to be in the lab
for a week or three you may find
that the boss at your regular job
resents it. You quit your job. I leek,
you’ll be making more in those
three weeks than in a couple of
months at work.
4 /
So you do your stint at Harris
and go home. When the money
runs out and you have no job, you
will go back to Harris. But one day,
One Day, you will go there and
they will be having a slow week or
a slow month. The study you vol
unteer for will be canceled. You
will be broke and jobless, and pretty
soon you will be out on the street.
That’s what happens; and that’s
why I just haven’t spent nearly
enough time in Harris Labs this
summer.
Michael Wclxel/Daily Nebraskan