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Arts & Entertainment 11
Ode to poets, presidents and gravy boats
Jim
Hanna
On the outside, I’m a husky brute
of a man. My hairy chest, my calloused
hands and my chiseled biceps are but
three testaments to my all-consuming
masculinity.
The problem is that my manliness
belies the the sensitive nature of the
sou! that resides in my sturdy frame.
Deep inside, struggling to get out, is a
blossoming flower of sweetness and
light — and I want to prove it.
I’ve never been much of a poetry
fan. I don’t really like to read it and I
certainly have never bear able to write
it. Today, however, I ask you to in
dulge me and allow me to share a few
samples of the verse that clatters around
in my delicate heart.
For the first time in print any
where, I wcepingly present a tribute
to the tender man living inside me. I
give you the poetry of Jim Hanna ...
Ode to a Disturbed Artist
The Coffee Shop is closed, and I could
be no more sad.
Life is so cruel and I like it that way,
but soft,
I search through my closet, are all of
my black clothes
dirty?
Woe! Woe! Woe!
/ need the shirt with long sleeves to
cover the scars on my wrists.
My life is so hard, so so so so so so so
so hard,
Why go on living in this abysmally
indifferent pile of a cosmos,
Where’s my sketch pad? I' ll slash my
throat with a paper cut.
Ode to the President of a Major
Land-Grant Institution in the
Capital of Nebraska
Hmmmm...
What should I do now?
I've got a car, I’ve got a house, I've
got a huge salary, I’ ve got a spending
allowance, I’ve got a parking space,
I’ve got decorators, T ve got just about
everything I could possibly want.
So what do I do now?
What?
Go to work? Take charge of the uni
versity? Come up with bold new ini
tiatives that will lead us into the 21 st
century?
Earn my salary?
Now that’s an interesting idea ...
Ode to a Theater Major
I have more problems than you do, my
friend
You ’ re an alcoholic ? Ha! I have a low
self-esteem brought about by a de
structive relationship with an abusive
mother.
You’re a manic depressive? Ha-ha! /
have a profound inability to commit
to a romantic relationship.
Let’s not quibble. Let’s just admit
that I have it worse off than you do
and express our misery through a
play by O’Neill.
Then, we’ll talk behind one another’s
back about how bad the other was
and e’er be cordial face-to-face.
Then we'll bitch some more . ..
Ode to a Gravy Boat
Why don’t people ever write poems
about gravy boats?
Huh?
We’ve all seen them, most have used
them.
Yet, their attributes go unversed.
Pity the gravy boat—it holds a syrup
of fat, milk and cornstarch and still
goes unloved.
Alas,
Few kitchen items can compare to the
courage, valor, commitment and pride
of the lowly gravy boat.
You can put your gravy in a normal
bowl but it won’t taste as good—and
you know it.
Why is it called a boat anyway?
Take the time to tell your gravy boat
how much you appreciate it.
Ode to a Pissy Teen With an
Attitude
What do you want?
Just leave me alone
You don't understand me.
Get out of my room, quit treating me
like a baby.
Hillary is my best friend ever, Hillary
is a back-stabbing witch.
I think l love Janie, l never want to see
Janie again.
You never let me do anything, you
can't tell me what to do, / wish you
were dead, / wish I was dead.
You suck, this sucks, that sucks, my
parents suck, everything sucks, sucks,
sucks, sucks!
Can / have my allowance?
Ode to a Brooding Poet
Darkness, Darkness, Darkness ... .
See HANNA on 13'
Rockin’ good time
Because of bad weather, attendence was low at the 11th annual Comstock.
However, Joel Valsnik, 5, of Lincoln enjoys the music of Fast Movin’ Train, one
of four groups that played.
‘Toy Soldiers’ held hostage
by moments of poor writing
By James Finley
Staff Reporter
After the little gulf war, one would think
that America had had its patriotic ego fed
enough for awhile.
The makers of “Toy Soldiers” must not have
thought so. This teen-oriented film attempts to
make America feel secure about its future by
having five funny, handsome, smart teens save
the day against the evil, stupid South American
adult.
Unfortunately, the most exciting part of this
cinematic experience is the preview for Termi
nator 2.
“Toy Soldiers” opens with Luis Cali (An
drew Divoff). son of a drug lord, taking over a
Colombian courthouse just after his father has
been extradited to the United States. In stere
otypical fashion, this Latin American hothead
responds by pushing a judge out of a helicopter.
From there, Luis decides to kidnap the Ameri
can judge’s son from the Regis School, a prep
school lor kids who have gotten booted from
every other prep school.
Shock! The smarter, quicker American
government has already managed to get “Phil”
Donoghue into protective custody. Frustrated
once again by the obviously superior American
intellect, Cali decides to just take the whole
school hostage instead.
Unfortunately, Cali hadn’t counted on hav
ing five prankish rejects not easily accept their
captive state. The five, led by Billy Tcppcr and
Joey Trotta (Scan Astin and Wil Wheaton), pay
attention, gather information, plan an escape
and miraculously get their plan to the military
set up outside the school. What good American
ingenuity and bravery!
At first the military rejects the plan, but
when negotiations break down, they give the
go-ahead for the students to try. Here is where
the action portion of this teen-action film comes
into play. Here is also the most predictable
portion of the movie. Just take a wild, wild
guess on how this turned out.
Louis Gossett, Jr., as the principal of the
school, turns in a credible performance as a
hard-ass teacher who still cares. Aslin and
Wheaton both do decent jobs, but both are just
a bit too famous to remain sufficiently anony
mous in what is mostly an ensemble piece.
The great irony of the film is that both the
best and worst things about the film arc found
in the writing.
One of the things that keeps this from being
totally bad is the few plot twists that Daniel
Petrie, Jr. and David Koepp threw in. A major
character dies in the film, and someone else
gets unexpectedly murdered. There was some
nice writing here.
Also on the good side, this is one of the few
movies that treats teen-agers realistically. They
swear, they do stupid stuff and they can act
responsible. They don’t fall into the stere
otypes of either modem Beaver Cleavers or
See SOLDIERS on 12
I Stewart’s 4 Vagabond Heart’ wanders
through unoriginal music and lyrics
By Julie Naughton
Senior Editor
Rod Stewart’s 18th album,“Vaga
bond Heart,” starts off strong with a
catchy song. Unfortunately, the rest
of the album dies quickly, mired in
mediocrity.
The album’s first song, “Rhythm
of My Heart,” is heading quickly up
the Top-40 charts, and not without
reason. Stewart’s scratchy, pleading
voice harmonizes nicely with Kevin
I Savigar and Richard Cottle’s key
I boards and John Robinson’s drums.
I Kevin Weed’s bagpipes give the upbeat
I song a Scottish touch, reflecting Stc
I wart’s Scottish background.
While the lyrics aren’t particu
I larlv profound, the infectious melody
I pulls the listener along on a bouncy,
I cheery ride.
Rod Stewart
“Vagabond Heart”
Warner Bros.
Rating: 2 1/2
Ratings ara 1 (bad) to 5 (axcellant).
However, most of the rest of the
album drags. The majority of the lyr
ics have a sameness to them, along
with recycled pop instrumentals that
Stewart has used on nearly every
thing he’s done to date.
“Rebel Heart” follows quickly on
the heels of “Rhythm of My Heart/'
and immediately disappoints. The song
consists of Stewart screaming “rebel
heart” with a few other words inter
woven. The guitars, drums and sax
could have come from any one of a
number of Stewart songs; nothing
makes their sound distinctive here.
The predominant feeling for this song
is “so what?”
Ditto for “Broken Arrow,” “It Takes
Two,”"When A Man's In Love,” and
the other five cuts that make up this
compilation.
Stewart seems to fall into the
monotony trap on nearly all of his
albums. He will have one — some
times two — strong cuts (on his last,
“Forever Young” and “Downtown
Train”) while the rest of the album
See STEWART on 12
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