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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (Feb. 7, 1991)
Demon phone numbers teach lonely, neglected good lessons The bleak scenario repeats it self countless times every Valen tine's Day. You realize the lover's holiday has arrived, and you are without a sweetheart upon whom you can ifts and affection, e bookstore is plump with cute teddy bears and heart-shaped boxes of candy. But alas, you have no Valentine to give these roman tic gifts. Instead, you walk to a bar and spend money on yourself, pour ing gallons of vodka through the lips that will remain untouched this February 14th. Then you stagger home and click on the only solace you can find — the television. Oh joy! You instantly see an answer to your 1 ibid inous-less li fe. A commercial lustily extols the virtues of having a mate. "Hi, I'm Candy, and my life used to be worthless," saysa beau tiful woman on the screen. "Then, 1 found true love with a simple phone call." You sit up in your chair. Could it be? Romance is only a phone call away? Yep. Such is life in our techno logical age. Lonelyhearts need be lonelv no more. With a simnle rail to a couples' phone line, you can find the type of happiness only a romantic mate can bring. The numbers are advertised everywhere on late night televi sion. Easy to remember numbers can bring you instant romance. Dial 1-900-976-LOVE. No, dial 1-900-976-GUYS. No, our number is better, dial 1-900-976-GALS. Please, your best bet is 1-900 LOVEMEN. While I've never called one of these numbers, 1 definitely have an opinion on them. Tney're evil. America is great, because if there is a quick, easy unethical opportu^ nity to earn money, you can bet thousands of people will jump at it. America is even greater, because if there is a quick, easy, idiotic way to waste money, millions of people will jump at it. Tne 900 phone services have exploded in the last few years. Government regulation of these services has been slow in coming, so abuses are everywhere. Perhaps the most obscene as pect of tnese phone services are the victims they target. Recently, an Ann Landers column dealt with the case of a young boy who called a phone sex service and ran up more than $40,(XX) in charges in less than two months. The demons who set up these phone lines are well aware that kids are going to give them most of their business. Occasionally, the TV ads will include the ominous warning "Callers must be 18 years or older." This, of course, is only an incen tive. The best way to get most kids to do something is to tell them it is forbidden. So, the parents head off to work, and the kids scramble to the phone. Hundreds of giggles and a few thousand dollars later, the naughty little kids arc caught. But now, theparents have a fat phone bill and few options to get out of paying it. Another victim is the well populated group known as the curious. Certainly, everybody has at least given a few seconds of thought to calling an especially tempting 900 number. Even if only as a joke, a lot of people will call up one of the numbers just to sec what it's like. At $2 for the first minute and 75 cents for each additional minute, these curiosity calls add up. Unfortunately, these abuses of phone technology don’t have to be. As I see it we could turn these phone services into tools for social reform. Here's my plan. We keep the same lascivious commercials, but we change the actual message. Imagine the new phone lines that would emerge. In one, a scan tily clad male model in clown makeup will ride in on a unicvcle. "Hey, kids! Are Mom and Dad at work? Do you have a phone? Then listen up good. Whatever you do, don't pick up the phone and call 1-900-NAU-GHTY. This is a phone line for adults only and _ l_» _ _ l_> __• _ j , i wnai wc nave iu z>ay id ucumiciy not for kids. So remember, under no circumstances should you call 1-900-NAU-GHTY." Kids will be whipped into a frenzy of inquisitive passion and will make a mad dash to the phone. But oh, surprise, surprise, it will actually be a direct line to their mom at work. "Billy! This is your mother! Hang up the phone and go to your room. You're groundcdP' Hee-nee, what a laugh that will be. In another, a pensive woman in a lace teddy will be reading a Dostoevsky novel near a fireplace. With a prevailing heterosexual theme, the commercial will tempt the men in the TV audience "Hello, when I'm not deep into classic literature, I like to run through my sprinkler naked. If I sound like your kind of woman, dial 1-900-WAN-TSEX. Only call if you're interested in a woman who will write poetry and doyour laundry at the same time." Gobs of morons will rush to the phone, dial the number and re ceive this message. "Thank you for calling 1-900 WAN-TSEX. Now that we have your attention, we'd like to in form you that you are a pig. Your attitude toward women and humanity in general is appalling. MWJUUIIglJ 5vl JViiiv counseling." Ho-ho, what satisfaction that would be. Since such a transformation is unlikely, our only hope is to get rid of the current glut of phone lines. We must unite and resist the temptation to call even the most alluring 9(X) numbers. If you don't have a lover to spoil on Valentine's day, treat yourself right and stay off the phone. Hanna is a senior theater arts major and a Daily Nebraskan senior reporter and columnist. Rhetoric Continued from Page 9 tractive) "I'm in love with her" — She's Donna Reed in the kitchen and Linda Lovelace in bed. "I'm in love with him" — an equally ridiculous statement; still implies really good, satisfying sex. significant other — special term reserved for use during those social gatherings when you really can't remember what the hell your date's name is. getting dumped — original defi nition originates around the time that Lincoln freed the slaves; now, similarly, refers to being "let off the hoot;" implies an action long sought after. love is a social disease — a true statement; originates from Plato or Rosseau or someone; maybe Whifman fifty bucks for a good time — ref erence to the hign cost of dating. NOTE: Usually at least a "good night kiss" is included in this pack aged deal. good night kiss — translated po litely as "Thanks, but don't you dare call me." Any suggestions that you think should be included in "The How Not-To's of Dating" will be con sidered. Submissions can be ad dressed to this paper — specifi cally to me. Please include your photo and phone number, unless you don't think it will help. Other definitions arc pending, depending upon how my week end goes. Stock is a junior English major and a Daily Nebraskan arts and entertainment reporter and columnist. David Badders/Daily Nebraskan iW.C.'s W.C.'si i i in TAKE A STUDY BREAK! \ I JT $2.30 Pitchers ^ \j i| JK $1.00 Well Drinks ej) \ j\ W.C. 'S Downtown (fj | 1228'1” Sl reel | IW.C.’s ('nilpoll Not (hind Willi All) Other Offer W.C.’sJ ■ ¥be NmHom't l-Mrjol t*uMiah<rr Of (campus I rifpbttne IMnmctort— 100 t.urupa Drive Suite 330 PO Box 8830 Chapel Hill NC 27514 I 919 9684225 I 800-743-5556 OPPORTUNITY! Make the transition into the business world selling yellow page advertising for your campus telephone directory or for other campus directories nationwide MONEY! Earn an average of #3,900 for the 11 -week sales period with an unlimited opportunity for a profitable summer EXPERIENCE! 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