Meteoric rise to fame heavy-metal fantasy
I’ve always wanted to be in a heav y
metal band.
I don’t have much musical talent
and I’m not real familiar with the
nuances of the heavy metal scene, but
there is something magical that has
always drawn me to the headbanging
arts.
Often, I’ll sit in bed at night, un
able to sleep as visions of metal rock
grate in my head. I hear the roar of the
crowd, the screech of the guitar and
the methodical thud of heads pound
ing on the apron of the stage where
I’m tearing through a six-hour, twisted
steel guitar solo.
Usually, my fantasies end in tears
when 1 remember that I’m only dream
ing and will never get the chance to
clang away fora hungry mobof heavy
metal fans.
Perhaps, however, you will indulge
me in my sordid little dream and
allow me to describe just what it
would be like if I was the lead singer
for my very own, MTV-like, heavy
metal band.
My band will becalled COXSURE
and we’ll really rip. I’ll do lead vocals
because I don’t have a shred of musi
cal talent and would be unable to play
a heavy metal instrument. For certain
tunes, I could play finger cymbals or
the triangle but for the most pan, I’ll
be COXSURE’s abrasive vocalist.
My stage name will be Tommy
Skull.
To insure the gravely whine my
voice will need to rock all of my
adoring fans, I’ll swallow fish hooks
and sand regularly.
My drummer will be a skinny,
one-armed medical school dropout
known only as Slasher. He’ll be wound
so light he can’t even speak and no
~ body else in the band will like him.
We’ll just keep him on because he
rocks so hard.
Our bassist (there is a bass guitar
in most heavy metal bands, isn’t there?)
will be Grease McNccsc, a graduate
of Julliard who brings his compre
hensive knowledge of music theory
into our little band. He’ll be the pretty
boy of the group.
On the other guitar (lead?) will be
Shiela B. Satan, who defected from a
rival band. In my dream she’ll be too
wild for the other band and has to
come to COXSURE so she can “un
leash the demons of musical mayhem
that live inside her.”
We will tour almost non-stop and
when we do stop, it will be to cut
another of our platinum albums.
Our first album will be called
“COXSURE: The Dokkters of Dis
truxion” and will begin as an under
ground hit. After we’re the feature
band on MTV’s Headbanger’s Ball,
however, we’ll start to get more air
play and our sales will soar.
The big hitoff our debut LP will be
“Singing in the Pain” a growling trib
ute to the joys of physical discomfort.
Here’s a snippet of the lyrics:
“I like glass in my tacos, I like
nails in my rice, I like barbed wire on
my mattress and I like Lysol in my
eyes, oh yes, I like singing in the
nain!”
“The Dokkters of Distruxion’ will
becomea huge hit and will inspireour
first U.S. tour. We will descend on
the biggest cities and play to sold out
throngs of head-banging connoisseurs.
Soon, we’ll be back in the studio
recording our follow-up album, “We’re
Sikk of Being Hix.” This will be an
attempt to dispell the idea that just i
because our band was founded by a
Nebraskan, we’re a bunch of red
necks.
This album will be littered with
hits, the biggest of which will be “The
Devil Went Down to Lincoln.” The
song will tell the tale of Beelzebub’s
trip to Lincoln. Satan has an excellent
time and announces that the capital
city will now be the headquarters for
his head-banging minions on earth.
The lyrics:
“They’ve got more than football,
they’ve got more than com, they’ve
got more than wheat fields, it’s where
true metal was bom... Lincoln is my
home away from hell!”
As you can imagine, our popular
ity will soar. Before the shrink wrap is
even cool around the CDs for “We're
Sikk of Being Hix”, our next album,
“Lokk Your Doors, COXSURE is
Koming,” will be released. Our third
album will be the source of contro
versy as angry parents charge that our
songs encourage suicide. The guilty
song will be a track entitled “Go <
Ahead, Kill Yourself.”
“Goahead.killyourself,we’renot i
kidding, this isn’t subliminal, we’re i
3ut and out saying it, there’s no back
masking here, we really mean it, we
iare you, we double dare you, go
ahead, kill yourself.”
We’ll be taken to court but will
prevail on the merits of the First
Amendment. The publicity generated
by oui trial will only serve to boost
our international acclaim.
We’ll soon begin our first tour
through Europe where we’re bigger
than even Richard Clayderman. Our
Berlin concert will be the biggest
music event ever as more than 10
million people crowd into a single
stadium to hear our trashing tunes.
London will bum to the ground
after our concert inspires riots of joy
.hat sweep the city. Still, the Royal
family will like us so much that they
•ecommend us for knighthood.
Unfortunately, as our fame roaches
its highest point, so will the dissen
sion in the band. Slasher will simply
become too insane for the rest of us.
When he begins playing drums with
the severed arms of our roadies, we’ll
know it’s time to replace him.
Grease McNeese will feel the pangs
of pure music that he loved so weil at
lulliard. He begins making sugges
Lions about incorporating strings and
woodwinds into our act and things
begin to really go downhill.
Shiela B. Satan will become a crack
addict and will eventually quit show
ing up for recording sessions.
We somehow throw together one
last album and it seals our fate. En
titled “Wacksing Philosophikal,” the
album will be a jumbled mess of
differing styles that never catches on.
The only moderate success on the
album is a song called “We Suk,” a
mournful ballad that bemoans our fall
from grace. '
And that will be it. COXSURE
will fall flat as quickly as it rose to
fame. The band members will go their
separate ways and I’ll return to UNL
to finish the degree I put on hold for
my music career.
This is the point in my story where
! begin to weep. I guess I know that I
not only will never be a head-banger
but that if I do, I’m doomed to fail.
Oh god, I kan’t believe how much
my kruddy life slinx.
Hanna is a senior theater major and a
Daily Nebraskan reporter and a columnist.
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10 Misc. For Sale
DP rowing machine, excellent condition, reasonable
477-6534 after 5:00pm.
IBM Wheelwriter Six typewriter EMI screen and disk
drive, includes desk and chair. 488 9294
Second Hand is First Classl
One More Time
Furnahings Clothing Jewelry open lit 6, M-S, noon-6.
Sun.
850 No. 27th 474-2065
13 Pets
AKC Pugs. Miniature Schnauzers, Alaskan Malamutes,
Norwegian Ekhounds. Poodles, and Yorkies in time tor
Christmas. 402-475-6140 or 308 346 5460, leave mes
sage
18 Stereos/TVs For Sale
Pioneer high powerin', deck 150 watt 6x9 speakers, 180
wan 6 VTspeakers. Can Todd lor prices. 436-9623.
19 Ticket Exchange
1 r/t ticket, linooln/Phoenix, 12/25-1/2, call 436-9419 by
12/19. leave message
Explore the
Service Directory
Tuesdays in the
Nebraskan
1 r/t ticket, lincoln/Portlarid. Oregon. 12/17-1/8, S150.
Call Ning. 467-6169 or 472 8348
22 Adoption
A caring, devoted, professional couple wishes to give
your newborn all the advantages of a loving, secure
home. Expenses paid. Call Joan/John collect, 212-496
0661._
ADOPTION
California female attorney with much love and security to
offer desires to adopt baby to age 2. All expenses paid,
totally legal. Please call Nancy Ruth collect. 213-477
0216.
THANK YOU
California couple anxious to adopt newborn Personal
meeting welcome. Proper legal and medical expenses
paid. Call Rick or Sandra collect 805-484-9014.
Couple desires to adopt again. Stay-at-home mom. pro
fessional dad. Cal! Collect 1-402-691 0802
Loving couple, unable to have children, yearns to adopt
your baby. Have large Victorian home, in a neighborhood
filled with playmates. Summer weekends at lakebida
camp with doting grandparents and oousins to play with.
Call collect, in confidence. 212 866-5277.
Loving stepmom wants to be a mom too. Lawyer, finan
cially secure, presently single. I will love and nurture your
baby as my own. I would love to hear what you want tor
your baby. Call Krisi collect. 415-731-1101 evenings or
leave message anytime, or call my attorney, Diane Mich
elsen 415-945-1880.
PREGNANT AND WONDERING
WHAT TO DO?
Explore the protection and benefits of adoption which are
only provided by a lloonsed agency. No fee for our
confidential services. Contact:
Nebraska Children's Home Society
4600 Valley Road
483-7879.
35 Gaft Ideas
Pinning Cigarsl Available at Cliff s Smoke Shop. 140 N
12th Street. 476 0119.
60 Misc. Services~
Book Exchange Service
»or selling books? Call in a list of books you want
or buy. we ll put you in touch with students with
similar needs. BOOKBINDERS. 466-6893/475-5819.
5pm-10pm, Monday-Frxlay.
Scholarships/grants tor college are available. Millions go
unclaimed yearly For details, 1800 334-3881.
"typewriters
WORD PROCESSORS
Rentals Sales Service
Rent-To-Own
1001 Garfield BLOOM’S 4744136
62 Pregnancy__
PREGNANT? BIRTHRIGHT is a confidential helping
hand Free pregnancy test, please call us for appoint
ment. 463-2609.
80 Typing & Resumes
I type term papers that make YOU look great. Karen 483
6252__
Laser desktop publishing and word processing; tuH-serv
ce business and academic. Editing, writing, and tape
transcription. 467 2801
Prompt Service - Great Rates
All typing needs filled at
Computer Type And Services
476-8973 -1630 Que Street
Resumes By Ann
Quality resumes, professional writers. Over 10 years
experience, proven resuIs 464-0775.
Resumes
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Daily Nebraskan
basement of the Nebraska Union
Typing and Word Processing. Resumes Papers Call
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Word processing papers, reasonable prices Call Mary
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110 Announcements_
AIESEC
Year-end wrap up. Don't miss Pam's last meeting, 4:00
p.m. Tomorrow.
Come and be tilled with the spirit of Christmas. Attend a
tree lecture. "The Vision That is Christmas," Tuesday,
December 11, 7:30pm, at f-irst Church of Christ. Scien
tist. 1900 D SL__
DEAD WEEK POLICY
Bring your questions or complaints to the
ASUN Office
Room 115 Nebr. Union
or call 472-2581
Last issue of the Daily Nebraskan this semester is De
cember 1711 Don't forget to piece your ads before 2pm
December 14. _
MONEY FOR COLLEGE
$135.000,000 in private funding went unclaimed last
yearl This year we ll help vou claim your share Call
National Scholarship Services. 469-8102 or toll free 1
800-USA-1221 ext. 1435._
Open Session Parking Advisory Committee Meeting,
December 10,2:30pm, City Union. Room will be posted
PRIVATE GUITAR
INSTRUCTION
Beginners or advanced. Lessons can include use of
rental guitar at $8 per week
Zager Studio 489-2430, 423-2709.
Brian Shellito/DaUy Nebraskan