Student calls for debates
Let’s just pretend for a second that
the University of Nebraska-Lincoln
is actually an educational institution
and that the recent presidential search
debacle was just an aberration in an
administration that truly cares about
teaching students.
OK, a second’s up.
Now let’s face reality. While many
of us do receive educations at UNL,
and often very good ones, the politics
of the upper echelons in the admini
stration seem to have very little to do
with students and academics. Do you
suppose our president-to-be really cares
that 1 got a B+ on a recent class
assignment?
I’ll admit, I don’t exactly under
stand what happened with this presi
dential search and maybe that’s how
the higher-ups want it to be. I’ve been
baffled ever since the unexplained
canning of Ronald Roskens as NU’s
president awhile hark
Still, I do know that it’s odd to
spend thousands of dollars and a lot of
lime for a presidential search that
provided us with the candidate we all
knew would get the position anyway.
I pray it’s not too late to provide
the answer to this nightmare. Before
Martin Massengalc accepts the presi
dency of the NU system, allow me to
throw my hat into the ring.
I don’t know how all of this works,
but if I can get enough student sup
port, I bet I can push my way into the
NU Oval Office.
And who better to run a university
than a student? I’ll bet students arc
more in touch with what’s going on
than any administrator could ever hofie
to be.
Here’s my platform:
First, as NU president, I would
cancel my salary. To keep a finger on
the pulse of student life around here,
it’s important that the president live
1 ike a student. If elected (or appointed
or drawn from a hat — w hatever the
selection process is) I would try to
hold down a part-time job as well as a
12-hour class schedule.
If the president were forced to live
on a student budget, my guess is that
she or he really would know how to
run a university.
And what’s this about a reserved
parking spot? Nonsense! Any real
president would drive down here every
morning and fight for a parking place
like the rest of us. I can’t wait until I
have to leave my first high-level
meeting with the governor to go plug
my meter.
I even hear tliere’s an official presi
dent’s mansion. Hogwash! This NU
president would make do with a seedy
efficiency at 15th and C for $225 a
month (plus deposit and first and last
month’s rent).
As a nice finishing touch to com
plete the student-like qualities of the
INU presidency, I’d allow holds to be
placed on my records if I failed to do
anything constructive.
As for actual things I would do for
the university as president, let’s start
with punting this joint’s dry campus
policy. I would encourage respon
sible alcohol use but I’d at least allow
the of-age adults at NU to make their
own drinking decisions.
“Bugcaters” would be returned to
its rightful place as our school’s nick
name.
I would keep Tom Osborne as our
football coach, but I’d insist that at
least once a year he blow his top at a
poslgame press conference.
“So we lost! Who gives a #*!@?
Go to hell! All of you reporters suck
S&*@! Get the *%@#offmy back!”
or something like that. -
I’d also do a few nutty things that
would take us back to our high school
days. You know, when faculty mem
bers would do funny skits at the an
nual talent show or students would be
able to throw pies in faculty mem
bers’ faces at a carnival booth. Think
of the feel-good energy that would
sweep the campus if students and
faculty members were allowed, nay,
forced to cavort together at a 11 -school
functions.
One mandatory all-school func
tion would be the Comhusker Kegger,
to be held every spring in Memorial
Stadium. Attendance would be man
datory. A limitless supply of spirits
would be provided to enhance teacher
pupil communication. Imagine the
faculty-student bonding that would
occur if you got tanked and puked on
your psychology professor.
The Hanna Administration would
require every professor to take and
pass any test he or she dumped on a
class.
Before I can put any of my plans
into effect, however, I will have to
beat out Massengale.
So, I hereby challenge our presi
dent to a series of public debates so
that we can make our opinions known.
I have no bones to pick with Massen
gale, so this would not be a forum for
hurling crybaby insults. We would
discuss logically the future of this
institution with hushed voices and
calm tempers.
we a invite the search committee
to hear our debates and upon consid
eration of each of our merits, to ap
point the person who will lead NU
into the 21st century.
I would actually be a pretty awful
NU president, so I don’t think Mas
sengale has anything to worry about.
He would have little to lose and a lot
to gain if he faced and then thrashed
me in a series cf debates.
The students would get an oppor
tunity to learn what’s really going on
with the NU presidency and we
wouldn’t feel so alienated from a
process that conceivably could have a
big impact on us.
So, if nothing else, at least humor
the students and pretend that we
somehow figure into the selection
process. It may be that the NU presi
dency has nothing to do with students
and we really should be shutout from
all of its mysterious workings.
Bui at least give us the impression
that we count.
If they won’t let us have that tiny
concession, then pave the way for
President Hanna.
Hanna is a senior theater major and a
Daily Nebraskan reporter and columnist.
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