!i Hell was Love Library in dream
II had a dream the other night that I
died and went to Love Library.
That is, in my dream Love Library
was the afterlife. First, I went through
the normal routine of traveling down
a long tunnel with light at the end.
Once I got to the light, I discovered it
was coming from the circulation desk.
Behind the counter was a big, white,
faceless being in flowing robes. I si
lently hoped to myself that this was
Jim
Hanna
^■SBBPWPMBI
heaven but since I was in a library, I
doubted 1 was so lucky.
“May I please sec your student
ID,” boomed the big person.
I pulled out my ID and handed it to
the being. S/he scanned it with the
library’s laser gun and handed it back.
“Nice picture,” the being said.
“Who are you?”
“I am Sophia, the all-knowing,”
she said. “I am the ruler of the uni
verse.”
“So you do have a gender? You’re
a woman.”
“I don’t know many men named
Sophia, do you?.”
I took that as a “yes.”
“Where am I?” I asked.
“You arc at the circulation desk to
hell,” she replied. “I have just scanned
your file and I sec that you are a
mighty big sinner. A punishment of
extreme magnitude will be required
to allow your entry into heaven.”
“Oh no!” I cried. “Am I going lobe
thrown into the sea of fire where
stinging locusts will prick my flesh
and suck the burning marrow from
my melting bones? Is my skin going
to be peeled layer by layer from my
pitiful body followed by a slow, scald
ing simmer in my own, oozing bodily
humors?”
“No, but those arc pretty good.
Still, your punishment will be much
worse,” she said. “This is not merely
Love Library. This is a library con
taining every single book ever writ
ten on the face of the earth. You must
read them all and present an oral
report on each of them before you
may enter heaven.”
“All of them?” I asked. “That’s a
lot.”
Thai’s the point, moron. You’re
in hell. Our collection starts at this
shelf right behind me. You may take
as much time as you like but remem
ber, each minute you spend reading is
one less minute you get to enjoy in
heaven.”
Knowing it was pointless to pro
test and that it was only a dream, I
agreed to the punishment.
“Very good,” Sophia said. “You
may start with the first book on the
shelf. It’s “The Brothers Karamazov”
by Dostoyevsky. Oh, and by the way,
according to our terminal, you have
three books overdue. Get those in or
we’ll hold your future registration.”
1 thanked Sophia and walked up to
the first reading shelf. I pulled off the
Dostoyevsky novel and prepared to
read. But wail a minute — this book
was written in Russian! I couldn’t
read Russian.
“Uh, excuse me, Sophia,” I said.
“Do you have an English translation?
I don’t read Russian.”
“Yes, we have an English transla
tion. We also have a French transla
tion, a Japanese translation, an an
cient Aramaic translation and every
other translation. You have to read
them all.”
“But I don’t read any of those
languages,” 1 protested.
“Well, 1 imagine someone at some
lime has written a book that teaches
all of those languages, and since we
nave every book ever written, it’s in
our library someplace. Find it, teach
yourself the language and continue.”
“Couldn’t 1 just read the Cliffs
notes?” I joked.
“Oh, we have the Cliffs notes, too.
They’re in the basement You have to
read all of those, too,” she said.
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