New dances inspired by political events
I never got to dance the slow dances
in junior high.
As soon as the Duran Duran music
stopped and the mournful Lionel Richie
ballads started, I made my way to the
edge of the dance floor and watched
all of the couples take over.
Basically, I was too afraid to ask
the girls to dance and was too much of
a dork to have them ask me. So through
all of the Journey, REO Specdwagon
and Air Supply love tunes, 1 stood by
the drinking fountain with the rest of
my cowardly friends.
The cool kids on the dance floor
seemed to gloat over the advanced
nature of their interpersonal relation
ships with the opposite sex as though
they almost knew what love was. The
guys who were really serious might
whisper into their girlfriend’s car,
“You know, you rally are ‘Every
Woman in the World to Me.”'
My envy was almost palpable.
But most of all, I remember that
dance; that generic, side to side shuffle,
slow dance that all kids knew how to
do without a single lesson. Even a guy
like me who didn’t have too many
slow dances in junior high knew how
to slow dance.
Now, as I near the end of my
sexual evolution into adulthood, the
only dance 1 really know how to do is
the generic junior high slow dance. I
barely polka, do a bastardized waltz
and I can stumble through the jitter
bug. I do, however, know how to do a
mean jazz hand.
The point is, I can’t dance any of
ihc standard dances and if I’m right, I
don’t think a lot of my college peers
know how to do many “real” dances
either.
It’s not our fault. We’re just in an
age where dancing is nola regimented
activity wrought with rules. We just
move and try to feel the music.
Our grandparents all know how to
polka and waltz and maybe even square
dance. It’s time that our generation
had some dances to call their own.
Here are some new dances that
I’ve invented. They all have rules.
There can be some improvisation
within them, but be careful. If we
want to dance as our ancestors danced,
we must remove creativity.
THE LIED LIMBO: Actually, this is
nothing like the limbo -- I just like
alliteration. This is a dance for two
people. One will represent a UNL
student and the other will represent a
box office employee at the Lied Center.
The Lied employee starts by sticking
his or her nose into the air and refus
ing to acknowledge the student. The
student will mime searching his or
her pockets for money (all of this
should be funky and abstracted, just
like dancing should be). Finally, the
student will produce his or her stu
dent I.D. hoping to get a reasonable
student discount, at which point the
box office employee will throw his or
£ M,
Jim
Hanna
her head back and laugh out loud. Do
this to a count of 16 and repeat.
THE DOWNTOWN BAR HOP: This
is a version of the popular weekend
activity of the same name. Stand with
your feet together and mime drinking
a beer. Finish the beer and hop to your
left as if you’re hopping to another
bar. Drink another non-existent beer.
Then jump forward and drink another
beer. Do this for a long time. From
here you may exhibit a little creativ
ity. After you’ve jumped around sev
eral limes you may either: A) pass out
on the floor; B) puke on your shoes, or
C) urinate in an alley.
THE PHIL GOSCH RUMBA: This is
a dance for a lot of people at a party.
It starts with two: one an angry stu
dent, the other Phil Gosch, president
of the Association of Students of the
University of Nebraska. The student
starts by angrily dancing about and
silently asking for Gosch’s resigna
tion. “Gosch” begins to dance in a
circle. At this point, everyone else at
the party, representing AS UN sena
tors, will converge in a circle around
* ‘Gosch’ ’ and do a mad, over-protec
tive dance to defend his honor. Do
once to a count of 32 and the dance is a
over. To repeat would be ridiculous. \
THE 2 PERCENT LID TANGO. There
is no dance to be done here. The 1
dance has been canceled because
money to conduct it was cut.
THE PARALYZED CHICKEN: This
is a variation of the 1970s dance,
“The Funky Chicken.” Bend at the
waist, hand your arms between your
legs and remain motionless. Repeat
every eight counts.
THE NATIONAL ENDOWMENT
FOR THE ARTS TWIST: A dance
for two people, the NEA twist can be
dangerous. One dancer is Senator Jesse
Helms, the other is a piece of feder
ally funded art. From here it’s simple.
The art work will dance about artisti
cally and the Jesse Helms dancer will
beat the crap out of him or her with a
bat.
Now you’re set. At the next wed
ding you go to, invite your grandma
to do the Lied Limbo or the Paralyzed
Chicken. Don’tallow them to humili
ate you with the dances they learned
ages ago. There’s a new generation of
unimaginative dances and you are its
benefactors. No longer is the junior
high slow dance the only mindless
dance you know.
Let’s get out there and be dull.
Hanna is a senior theater major and a
Daily Nebraskan reporter and columnist.
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\ NOTICE TO STUDENTS I
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