Parking dilemma sends Hanna to guru
By Jim Hanna
Stuff Humoriit
“It’s the end of the world as we
know it.”
— Those R.E.M. guys.
Ask anyone who knows me.
I’ve always said “the day parking
becomes the most important issue
for UNL students, we will know
the end of the world is at hand."
Don’t get me wrong. I’m just as
steamed about the crappy parking
scene around here as the next guy.
No amount of condescending snot
tiness from the administration is
going to change the fact that cam
pus administrators have been
completely impotent and uncaring
in their handling of the parking
problem.
But when the results of the 1989
Student Health Survey were re
leased last week, it signalled the
end of humanity.
Parking was listed as the most
serious problem, outdistancing
stress, crime and even AIDS.
I was floored.
Surely there's nobody who seri
ously thinks that the unavailability
of parking is worse than a disease
that threatens to wipe out our spe
cies.
If this is so, then we are
doomed.
When I heard about this dismal
survey, I refused to believe that our
parking dilemma had bocome so
terrible. I thought to myself, ‘ 'Jim,
certainly somewhere on this earth
there is someone who am give us
the answer to our parking night
mare."
I nibbed my chin pensively.
Then it hit me. Long ago, my
great-great-great grandfather used
to Set me on fib lap end tell me tales
from the old country. He was old,
about 230, and had many mystical
tales about days gone by.
I remembered one in particular
he told me, about the wisest man
on earth. This man lived on the top
of a mountain in Greece and he
knew the answer to every human
jam imaginable.
The man had been alive for all
time and for those willing to risk
their lives by venturing on to his
mountain, he would provide an
answer to their questions.
I
I always dismissed my great
great-great grandfather as a blath
ering^ doddering, senile old goof
and never believed his tall tales.
But maybe, just maybe, there
really was a guru atop a Grecian
mountain ana maybe, just maybe,
he knew what to do about the park
ing around here.
1 figured it was worth a shot
So last Friday, I sold my VCR,
my car and a few pints of my
plasma and bought a plane ticket
for Greece.
During the flight, 1 was antsy
with excitement as I knew I was
on the type of adventure you only
read about in made-up stories. This
adventure, however, was for real.
As we flew over Greece’s air
space cm our way to the Athens
airport my spine set to tingling
and my ears began to ring. Some
thing weird was happening and I
knew it was a sign.
Suddenly, without warning, I
jumped up from my seat threw
open an emergency door and leapt
from the airplane.
I forgot to close the door behind
me and a few innocent people were
sucked to their deaths but I knew
that somehow, it was worth it
I began to fall to the earth but
not at the rate of speed you'd ex
pect of a ISO-pound muscle- bound
bruiser like me. Instead I drifted
lightly to the earth like a dainty,
downy feather.
Some superior force was lead
ing me down and I knew T was on
the right track.
I landed at the foot of a moun
tain. There, I saw a sign which read
DO NOT CLIMB THIS
MOUNTAIN UNDER ANY
CIRCUMSTANCES.
This was it If the guru really
existed, he would be at the top of
this heap of rocks.
I momentarily questioned
whether this was worth it
I could be killed going up this
mountain. Then, I had a vision of
myself returning to UNL as a hero.
People would fill to their knees in
praise as I solved the parking prob
lem. I might even get a date out of
the deal. I knew I nad to press on.
Wearing only the clothes on my
back (a pa ir of Speedos and a fish
net tank top), I headed up the
mount
Almost instantly, I was con
fronted with my first obstacle. A
winged lion, almost certainly from
the mouth of hell, was belched up
from a Assure in the earth. Before I
could react, he swooped down and
sheared off my left arm at the
shoulder.
Ignoring the pain, I pulled out
my Pilot medium point pen from
my pocket, jumped into the air
turning a perfect 360, and jabbed
my weapon into the lion’s heart.
He fell to the ground mortally
wounded.
I sat on a rock, panting. This
attack obviously had been a test
from the guru. I noticed that I was
losing a terrific amount of blood
from my shoulder stump. 1 picked
up a handful of din and around it
into my wound causing the Wood
loss to Stop.
I continued on.
The going became more treach
erous. The rugged rocks quickly
wore away the soles of my loafers,
and than the bottom of my feet,
exposing bone. Thorny bushes tore
at my skin, ripping wide holes in
my flesh. The mazing sun baked
my skin causing it to crack and
peel. Without my left arm, I fre
quently lost my balance arid fell,
marking my body with countless
contusions and abrasions.
After nearly 40 hours of climb
ing, I came to a clearing atop die
mountain. I was there. Inad made
iL If the guru existed, this was
where he would be.
And sure enough, there on a
rock sat an old, bearded man in a
robe smoking an exotic pipe. I
thought I smelled burning rope.
I fell to my knees, landing on
two sharp, pointy rocks and ruptur
ing my kneecaps. I didn’t mind,
however, for I had found the guru.
“Excuse me,” I said. “Are you
the all-knowing guru?”
He looked up and nodded
sagely.
I screamed a cry of relief and
pumped my remaining fist in the
air triumphantly.
“Can you please tell me what
we should do about our parking
problem at UNL?” I asked
“Yes “ he said. “You’d better
write this down, do you have a
pen?”
“No,” I said. “1 used it to kill
your winged stooge on my way
up.”
' “You are very brave, Jim,’’ he
said. “You will be much adored
upon your return. You might even
get a dale out of this.’’
A y.ain 1 pumped my right fist in
“The answer to the parking
problem is one of the most trouble
some 1 have ever bad to confront.
It's a tough 1C. I would say build a
parking garage but that’s real ex
pensive.
"'I would say that UNL Undents
should drive their can lass, but
that's unrealistic. I world saylevel
the Lied Center and build a pasting
Sol That way, the students would
actually get some use cm of that
property, but the administration
would not be able to arrogantly
flaunt a perking lot to the test of the
country so that's a no-go. In the
final analysis, the answer must
come from inside you. You must
look deep into your soul, for only
there can you find the true an
swer.”
And he fell silent 1 set, waiting
for him to go on but 1 soon realized
that he was done.
4'That’s it?” 1 asked, stupefied.
"I lose my left arm, tear up my
feet, rupture my kneecaps and miss
two day s of school »o that you can
say lode inside myself?”
He nodded sagely.
In a flash, my good hand formed
a fist and punched the guru in the
face, knocking him unconscious. I
couldn't believe that I had sacri
ficed so much for such a stupid
answer.
What a waste. I guess there
truly is no answer to the parking
problem.
I caught a flight back home and
went to stand in line at the health
center. The next day. a doctor saw .
me and assured me I'd make a
complete and total recovery.
Here F had hoped to cure all of
our parking woes and return a hero
Instead, I return wounded.
We simply are doomed to en
dure the endless cycle of parking
mayhem.
Parking will remain die No. 1
problem in the minds of UNL stu
dents Mai the end of the world is
indeed not far behind. I'mso sorry.
Oh well, anybody want to date
mnanyppy?
f J ~ ^ “I'*"1 “
1
Yotocamba Ha
Exiled group to play at UNL
By John Payne
SReporter
The exiled El Salvadoran group
Yolocamba I-Ta, on tour in the Mid
west, will bring its Latin rhythms and
a plea for political change to the
Nebraska Union Ballroom Tuesday.
The six-man band, which recently
performed in Chicago and Minnea
polis, has been heralded by critics
worldwide for its various albums and
lively siage shows.
The band's 1982 release ‘‘Revolu
tionary Songs of El Salvador" was
awarded album of the year by the
National Association of Independent
Record Distributors. Its best-known
work in the U.S, however, may be the
90undtrack to Oliver Stone’s "Salva
dor.” Yolocambs I-Ta also recorded
the soundtrack 10 "Romero,” a film
starring Raul lulia as the murdered
Archbishop Oscar Romero.
Brothers Franklin and Roberto
Quezada formed the band in 1975,
taking the name Yolocamba I-Ta
from the now extinct Lenca lan
guage. It means literally “seeds of
rebellion.”
musir.
The group gained immediate no
toriety among fellow Ei Salvadoran*
but the feftfei politics of “Revolu
tionary Songs” was more than the
Napolcan Duarte regime would tokr
ate. In 1982, after several members of
the Quezada family were kidnapped
and eventually killed by government
death squads, the band was forced
into exile. Band members now make
their home in Mexico City.
As for its music, it runs the gamut
- from the tranquility of traditional
Latin-American beat, to progressive,
modem dance rock. All members
sing, while mixing the sounds of
maracas, flute, guitars, percussion
and marimba. Band members say that
people don’t necessarily have to be
politically attuned in order to enjoy
the band’s music.
The event, sponsored by Nebras
kans for Peace, will be 7:30 p.m.
Tuesday in the ballroom. Admission
price is $4 m advance, $5 at the door.
Nebraskan Classified 472-2588
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