fPead Week relief
CORRECTION
So what?! You were probably lying anyway.
WEATHER INDEX
Toosday, mostly breezy with a chance of air
floating, high around 4 reefers with winds blowing Booze Digesting 2
here and there. Toosday night, increasing dark- Pisses & moans 4
ness as the sun goes down and clouds roll in. Perversions 6
Wednesday, partly sunny after sun-up, with Squirts .7
32 HSUS. accu™la,in9 on M,s
_ _____
Dead Week Relief__ University of No-Learning Vo!. Loud Tone. Lok
Meadowlark flips Deadislature the bird
Highway squirrel amendment suggested f
By Richard Cranium
Staff Reloricr
A bill in the Nebraska Dcadisla
turc has pissed off Nebraska’s slate
bird, the western meadowlark.
“I’m pissed off,” screeched
Chirpy Lark, spokesman for the
Nebraska Meadowlark Association,
who opposes LBZOO.
Lark spoke at a hearing of the
Dcadislature’s Nothing of Impor
tance Committee Friday. The cham
ber was packed full of robins, doves,
eagles, hawks, hummingbirds, sky
larks, bluebirds, blackbirds, redbirds,
every color of bird around.
Hell, even the tcradactyl was
there.
LBZOO would change the state
bird from the western meadowlark to
the sandhills crane. State Bumbler
Harlct Bclchson, who sponsored the
bill, said she doesn’t understand why
the meadowlark association is so
upset, she still likes the birds.
Belchson said she believes the
change would increase tourism to
Nebraska, because so many people
already come to see the sandhills
crane. And besides, she said, she St
really digs those cranes’ long legs.
“Yeah, 1 do,” Bclchson said.
“They’re hot!” y
I ark claimed that Bclchson has LI
reneged on promises made to the IV
meadowlark association that she H
would increase meadowlarks’ stature
in the state, by declaring her massive
land holdings near Grunt Island as the
Nebraska Meadowlark Sanctuary.
“That bitch lied" to us!” Lark ^
tweeted. “She promised us all the
meadows we could lark in, and now I
she’s going to give those tall water
dwellers all the loot.’’
Lark said he couldn’t understand I
why Bclchson would do such a thing
for a migratory flock that only comes
to Nebraska to piss in the Platte River 19
once a year.
“I’ve seen ‘cm pissin’, it ain’t a .
pretty sight.’’
Sippin’ Crane, lobbyist for the
Sandhills Cranes of America, said *
that Bclchson was doing a good ’*
thing, because the cranes don’t really *
have a place to call home. L.
See ZOO on 8
Homor Jarkoff/Daily Half ass kin
A highway squirrel. Cute III’ thing, ain’t he?
Impeachment planned for RHA jerks
Hy P. hncil Thin
Sufi Pencil Dick
A Really Hopeless Association
sinutor announced plans Friday to
impeach the association’s newly
elected executives for ethical mis
conduct and an alleged attempt to
restructure RHA by writing bylaws
for the association to follow.
“We’ve gotten along without
rules for a long time,” said one of the
man> RHA sinators who whispered
in this reporter’s ear, called me at
home, pulled me out of class, passed
me notes under the bathroom stalls,
sent me personals in die Daily Half
asskin, wishing only to be identified
as Deep Throat. “We sure as hell
don’t need ’em now.’’
Deep Throat introduced legisla
tion at Friday’s meeting that would
impeach President I. Am Dicklcss
and Vice President Twin Whoreson
for writing bylaws and for spending
$2 from RHA funds on a two-fer at
Burger King while celebrating their
electoral victory.
“Two dollars may not seem like a
lot,” Deep Throat said, “but that’s
90 percent of RHA’s budget.’’
An outraged Dickless responded,
spouting that the wide margin of his
victory was proof of his policy man
date and his right to spend residence
hall fees any way he secs fit.
“I’ll be damned if I’m going to
spend RHA funds on those dormie
losers,’’ Dicklcsssaid. “Besides, two
burgers and two fries for two bucks is
about the best investment this asso
ciation has ever made.”
Former President Sorry Boobsky
disagreed.
“Remember that time we sent me
to North Dakota?’’ Boobsky asked.
“That was a real good investment.”
Former Treasurer Paira Rancid,
who had no business being at the
meeting but posed as another sinator,
defended Dicklcss and Whoreson.
She argued that although the new
executives are certainly unethical,
they arc the “lesser of 35 evils” in
the RHA Sinate.
Driven to tears, Whoreson said the
sinate has no right to impeach him
“It’s really unfortunate that the
sinate has to worry about ethics,”
Whoreson belly-ached. “I’m so sure.
I wish they’d just grow up.”
RHA adviser Scari Holstein said
Dickless and Whoreson know what is
best for RHA, and should make all the
decisions. Student-elected sinators
shouldn’t be able to vote on the im
peachment or any other measure, she
said.
“They don’t know jack-shit,”
Holstein said.
Trendy Beer-Stem, RHA electoral
fixer, said the impeachment may not
be necessary, since Dickless and
Whoreson technically should not be
in office.
4 ‘There are no provisions in any of
See CRY on 8
In deep shit! J T Pl88ant/Da,,y
Cornhurnper volleyball player Muffin Birkenstock is engulfed by shit Sunday at the Cock
Pavilion Sports Shrine. For more, see the story on page 3.
Sinators sniffle, sleep I
By Jenny Talia
Staff Prober
The Association of Nobodics of
the University Socialites again
slept through their meeting yester
day - all except for a few sinators
who had a pillow fight.
ANUS Sin. Still Disturbin stood
up on the table and bawled when
she didn’t get everyone to vole the
way she wanted them to.
As usual, Disturbin offered no
rational reasons for any of her
motives. She refused to support
proposals for financing a gay/les
bian group and giving Indian re
mains back to the Pawnee tribe.
“All I can say is that none of
those people arc blonde or obnox
ious, and none of them belong to
the elite organization called ‘my
friends’,” Disturbin said.
“Pass!” said Sin. Chicken
Lytl.
Mic men turned to tne Daily
Half-asskin reporter, who was
writing down her every word.
“I don't care what you print
about me,” she said. “Everyone
knows why I do what I do and
somebody will still marry me if I
lose 50 pounds.”
Sporting three-pound gold cuf
flinks on his French-cut shirt. Sin.
Steamed Mama's Son responded
to Disturbing remarks.
“It doesn't matter what every
one else votes. As long as we're all
Christians here, truth will pre
vail.”
“Pass!” said Sin. Chicken
Lytl.
“And I don’t care what you
print about me cither,” Mama’s
Son said. “Everyone knows I’m
not a closet homosexual.”
“Pass!” said Sin. Chicken
Lytl.
ANUS Sin. Real Dumb voted
against the two, too. He gave rea
sons, hut they were so damn stupid,
we won’t print diem. But ha did
vote opposite what his constituents
wanted. We know, cuz. we’re his
constituents.
Former A NUS Sen. L.ippy Dork
attended the meeting for no appar
ent reason. Dork jumped up and
down on a chair behind ANUS
sinators, trying to get their atten
tion.
“Look at me! Listen to me!!”
Dork said. “I want to tell you
something important!"
Nobody paid any attention to
her outburst.
Dork said earlier in the year that
she resigned because ANUS was
not representing its constituents.
But DH reporters, who did not
believe Dork’s excuse, followed
her every night for two weeks to
find out the real reasons for her
resignation.
Dork was seen frequenting the
corner of 16th and O streets, sell
ing her wares.
Responding to the evidence.
Dork said the real reason she re
signed was that “Wednesday
nights brought out the best custom
ers.*’
“And ANUS wasn't willing to
change its schedule to allow me to
continue my career,” Dork said.
In other “affairs,’’ ANUS
president Left Peterbult and Gov
erning Losers Coalition chairper
son Crying Still announced their
engagement. Peterbult and Still,
known fondly on campus as Frick
and Frack, told ANUS members
that they could no longer keep their
secret.
“We can no longer keep our
secret,’* Frick said. “You all
thought for years that we were just
See BITCH on 3
Here we are, folks! It’s the Daily Half-asskin, (he Daily Nebraskan
joke issue. Wc saved it for dead week this year so you could take study
breaks filled with merrimrnt. But just remember, what you read in the
next eight pages is all fiction. It is a pure coincidence if something
sounds familiar on these pages, because any similarity with persons
living or dead is something wc just can’t believe. The names have been
changed to protect the innocent, and not so innocent
Now remember, folks, this is a joke issue, with a lot of chortles and
little truth. And if you find it offensive or boring, than maybe ye’ ol little
humor. Enjoy.