Squirts ootball players to get more stuff... again IKy luu “"| Lff Mallbustcr__ Cornhunipcr football players will ho longer have to park their expen kivc sports cars outside likjc the peon, hon-aihlctc students at the University Lf No-f earning, thanks to a decision hy The Boblathcr. The big guy, sitting behind his eight-loot oak wood desk sipping a diet Slice, said a new garage will be built near The Stadium, where Slav ery Hall now stands. In addition, the Boblathcr said, a lake will be added “so our glorious team will have something pretty to look at when they get out of their cars.” “Our players work hard, dam miu! I he Boblathcr screamed, drooling and pounding spastically on his desk. “We only choke... er, lose a couple games every season, wur players deserve the finer things in life, like a lake and a healed garage so their toes won’t get cold. They don't like to look at those disgusting build ings on campus that are used for noth ing but learning. “VS luit the hell good arc those? They're not big enough to practice in.” The Bobfalhcr said players al ready receive money, ears, gold chains, clothing and various other gilts from alumsand coaches, but that they don’t have anywhere to park their cars when they finally arrive on campus every day at 3 p.m. ‘‘But don’t print that,” he said, removing his finger from his nose. Big thorn, the Humpers’ head coach (for the last lime: No, he doesn’t coach head) said he is proud to see the people of Nebraska have finally come to their senses and real ize that football is the most important thing in the world. “What else are folks supposed to do in this fart-sniffing state?” he asked rhetorically, shuffling back Courtesy of the Bobfather An artist's rendition of the proposed Cornhumper football team parking garage. and forth in his wingtip shoes. “I mean, all this state has is football, corn, cows, cow shit and the Daily Half-asskin. Football is the only one in that group that doesn’t make my nose itch.’’ Booker Badass, a freshman credit card financing major who plays wingback for the Humpers, says the garage is what he has been dreaming of since he came to Lincoln. “It’s what I’ve been dreaming of since I came to Lincoln,” he said, pulling a spoon from his nose. ‘‘This mo-fo state sucks the big, gooey one, man. I can’t wait to get outta here with my money, cars and sclf-re spect. But hey, don’t print that shit, man.” Badass refused to comment on how much the garage would cost, or where the money would come from. Rumors circulating throughout the campus indicated that student fees would be raised $300 next semester. ‘‘Shii-i-i-i-t, man, I can’t com ment on that,” he said. ‘‘Anyway, it’s time for me to go get my shots over at the weightroom.” The big fat guy at the sports misin formation office said the garage would be paid for by bowl game money, and that any increase in stu dent fees next semester would be purely coincidental. But a source inside the training table cafeteria said the big fat guy was a “lying sack of monkey nuts.” “That’s not true!” screamed the big fat guy. “I don’t even own a monkey. Whoever said that is totally wrong, and we categorically deny any involvement in selling the play ers crack at halftime during games.” What? “Uhhhhh . . . never mind,” said the big fat guy, drooling on his plaid tic. The game of baseball is an up-and-coming sport, I tel! ya By Jack Mehoff Stall (Jii.iM-Hippie Boh Dy lan was right on base when ho said “The times they are a changin’.” Saturday afternoon, at the request of the squirts editor, I attended the wackiest event I’ve ever seen. Base ball, they call it. You might have thought that baseball was a game invented by Charles Schultz, for use in his Peanuts comic strip (I sure did). Neither team’s pitcher did flips like Charlie Brown and neither team had a dog for a middlcfielder, but it was still kind of funny. The game started out w ith a rendi tion of Jimi Hendrix’s “The National Anthem.” This version had words and lacked llie power to summon up gods like Jimi’s Woodstock version did. Alter that nine men ran on the ball diamond wearing matching tops and funny socks. I say bring back tie dyes, bell-bottoms and big furry Ixxns. Right on! The strangest of all the players is the catcher. His entire body is cov ered in protective gear, and on his face he wears a thick mask. I believe this is because he is cither hideously ugly or he has some type of commu nicable disease. For these reasons, I refused to interview him when the game was over. When the catcher enters the field, he squats down in a position similar to what a dog does when it is repro ducing, or like someone taking a dump at a nuclear test sight protest. This action has a strange effect on the females in the crowd. The shy girls tend to turn red and giggle, while some of the more boisterous females would howl like wolves. Where th^ catcher’s private parts go, there is a large bulge. This is because the catcher is wearing a protective cup, although the way some of the girls howled I believe that they think he’s hung like a bear. Speaking of bears, one of the teams was called the Cubs. I just thought I’d throw that in. Anyway, the thrower stood on a small hill lob bing small round objects, which caused me to have a flashback from mv days in ‘Nam. /TO FLY Tired of skinny guys outwitting you at parties? T ircd of saying huh or ‘whaaa." Tired of being left out when conversation strays from foot ball? Well we’re here to help with THE FOOTBALL PLAY ERS GUIDE TO INTELLECT THROUGH ANALOGY. I lore arc but a few examples of analogies you will learn in our beginning course: Skinny Guy: Hey, you're: a star ier fortheCoknhumi>i.ks \ren iyou? How do you EKhl. VARSITY FOOTBALL REIAIES ID FrANKL's EXSISTENTIAL VACUUM? You: Shut up or I’ll break your dick ijkf. a twig. Skinny Guy: Hey, you’re a starter for the Cornhumpeks .arf.n i yoi ? Ernes 1 HfMMINgwAY PI AY ED FOOTBALL. WlLAI DO YOU HUNK OF A FaRKWF.U. To ARMS You: Shut up or I’ll squash you ukk a bug. Skinny Guy: Hey, you’re a starter for ihe Cornhumfi.rs arf.n i you? What s YOUR OPINION ON THE IDEA THAI FOOIBALL IS ANAl/XiOUS IX) MAN S SIRl GOLF. IOWARDS A ClASSlJaS SOCIETY ? You: Shut up or I’ll scramble yolr face ijkf; an egg. These comebacks and many more are included in your guide? You 11 learn other wizzbangers like "Shut up or i ll pinch your head like a Pea or 'shut up or /’ ll squish you like a turd.” t Also included with the guide arc l ive (5) gold chains and a 1 ?8) Toyota | Celica Supra. . .. l or a copy of this guide and the free gilts, have your coach or I.ma parents send $ 18,000 to: P.O. Box 12 Miami, FI. or have someone dial this number lor you: 1-800-IBE-DUMB. _ 1----FOOTBALL I mentioned a babe by the name of Ruth. She wasn’t there, but there were plenty of other cute crease in the grandstand. After seven innings -- which by the way is misleading, because the game takes place outside - the crowd was inspired to rise and sing a ballad titled “Take me out to the ball game.” Obviously, the nose candy had kicked in, for these fans were already at the ball game. One thing baseball has going for it is this largeobject in middlcficld they call the scoreboard. I’m going to suggest that it be used at rock con certs, because it blew away Pink Floyd’s light show. AH in all, I think baseball is a pretty good game and I predict it will catch on in popularity as soon as they change those ridiculous outfits. You may even sec it on television some Jay. __:-ij Marty Winklebein/Daily Half-asskin Next week I have to cover a foot ball game. I’m looking forward to this because everyone says there are a lot of hits. Sound’s bitchin’ to me, dude! Jock gets stuck The Hand man, Comhumper out side linebacker and team asshole, was rushed to the hospital after Sunday’s scrimmage when his jock strap stuck to his lips. “It was the darndcst thing I ever saw,’’ said Big Thom, the head (snicker, snicker) coach. The strap stuck to the Hand man’s mouth as he tried to slip it on over the head, shoulders and down his abdo men to its rightful place on his over weight, overrated body. Teammates giggled mirthfully as the loudmouth was placed in an am bulance. He is listed in fair condition at Our Lady of 84th Street Hospital. Several of the spectators around me commented that this fella was throwing specdballs. The mention of the word specdball made me nervous, what with all the pigs in the audience. Then I loosened up and realized that if we were all going to be tripping, or “throwing,” as my new squirts bud dies call it, I’d better mellow out. Despite the presence of speed and the fact that I saw a young kid in a Metal lica shirt offering coke for a dollar (What a bargain!), I had to stay straight the entire game. This is my job, you know. At one point, a player ran real fast and everyone said he stole second base. I stood up and offered to call the police and report the theft, and every one laughed and wanted to buy me a beer. I still don’t know what’s so funny about stealing, but I gladly accepted the free brews. Righteous! Some of my sports friends had