Squirts
ootball players to get more stuff... again
IKy luu “"|
Lff Mallbustcr__
Cornhunipcr football players will
ho longer have to park their expen
kivc sports cars outside likjc the peon,
hon-aihlctc students at the University
Lf No-f earning, thanks to a decision
hy The Boblathcr.
The big guy, sitting behind his
eight-loot oak wood desk sipping a
diet Slice, said a new garage will be
built near The Stadium, where Slav
ery Hall now stands. In addition, the
Boblathcr said, a lake will be added
“so our glorious team will have
something pretty to look at when they
get out of their cars.”
“Our players work hard, dam
miu! I he Boblathcr screamed,
drooling and pounding spastically on
his desk. “We only choke... er, lose
a couple games every season, wur
players deserve the finer things in
life, like a lake and a healed garage so
their toes won’t get cold. They don't
like to look at those disgusting build
ings on campus that are used for noth
ing but learning.
“VS luit the hell good arc those?
They're not big enough to practice
in.”
The Bobfalhcr said players al
ready receive money, ears, gold
chains, clothing and various other
gilts from alumsand coaches, but that
they don’t have anywhere to park
their cars when they finally arrive on
campus every day at 3 p.m.
‘‘But don’t print that,” he said,
removing his finger from his nose.
Big thorn, the Humpers’ head
coach (for the last lime: No, he
doesn’t coach head) said he is proud
to see the people of Nebraska have
finally come to their senses and real
ize that football is the most important
thing in the world.
“What else are folks supposed to
do in this fart-sniffing state?” he
asked rhetorically, shuffling back
Courtesy of the Bobfather
An artist's rendition of the proposed Cornhumper football team parking garage.
and forth in his wingtip shoes. “I
mean, all this state has is football,
corn, cows, cow shit and the Daily
Half-asskin. Football is the only one
in that group that doesn’t make my
nose itch.’’
Booker Badass, a freshman credit
card financing major who plays
wingback for the Humpers, says the
garage is what he has been dreaming
of since he came to Lincoln.
“It’s what I’ve been dreaming of
since I came to Lincoln,” he said,
pulling a spoon from his nose. ‘‘This
mo-fo state sucks the big, gooey one,
man. I can’t wait to get outta here
with my money, cars and sclf-re
spect. But hey, don’t print that shit,
man.”
Badass refused to comment on
how much the garage would cost, or
where the money would come from.
Rumors circulating throughout the
campus indicated that student fees
would be raised $300 next semester.
‘‘Shii-i-i-i-t, man, I can’t com
ment on that,” he said. ‘‘Anyway,
it’s time for me to go get my shots
over at the weightroom.”
The big fat guy at the sports misin
formation office said the garage
would be paid for by bowl game
money, and that any increase in stu
dent fees next semester would be
purely coincidental.
But a source inside the training
table cafeteria said the big fat guy
was a “lying sack of monkey nuts.”
“That’s not true!” screamed the
big fat guy. “I don’t even own a
monkey. Whoever said that is totally
wrong, and we categorically deny
any involvement in selling the play
ers crack at halftime during games.”
What?
“Uhhhhh . . . never mind,” said
the big fat guy, drooling on his plaid
tic.
The game of baseball is an up-and-coming sport, I tel! ya
By Jack Mehoff
Stall (Jii.iM-Hippie
Boh Dy lan was right on base when
ho said “The times they are a
changin’.”
Saturday afternoon, at the request
of the squirts editor, I attended the
wackiest event I’ve ever seen. Base
ball, they call it. You might have
thought that baseball was a game
invented by Charles Schultz, for use in
his Peanuts comic strip (I sure did).
Neither team’s pitcher did flips like
Charlie Brown and neither team had a
dog for a middlcfielder, but it was
still kind of funny.
The game started out w ith a rendi
tion of Jimi Hendrix’s “The National
Anthem.” This version had words
and lacked llie power to summon up
gods like Jimi’s Woodstock version
did. Alter that nine men ran on the
ball diamond wearing matching tops
and funny socks. I say bring back tie
dyes, bell-bottoms and big furry
Ixxns. Right on!
The strangest of all the players is
the catcher. His entire body is cov
ered in protective gear, and on his
face he wears a thick mask. I believe
this is because he is cither hideously
ugly or he has some type of commu
nicable disease. For these reasons, I
refused to interview him when the
game was over.
When the catcher enters the field,
he squats down in a position similar
to what a dog does when it is repro
ducing, or like someone taking a
dump at a nuclear test sight protest.
This action has a strange effect on the
females in the crowd. The shy girls
tend to turn red and giggle, while
some of the more boisterous females
would howl like wolves.
Where th^ catcher’s private parts go,
there is a large bulge. This is because
the catcher is wearing a protective
cup, although the way some of the
girls howled I believe that they think
he’s hung like a bear.
Speaking of bears, one of the
teams was called the Cubs. I just
thought I’d throw that in. Anyway,
the thrower stood on a small hill lob
bing small round objects, which
caused me to have a flashback from
mv days in ‘Nam.
/TO FLY
Tired of skinny guys outwitting you at parties? T ircd of saying huh
or ‘whaaa." Tired of being left out when conversation strays from foot
ball?
Well we’re here to help with THE FOOTBALL PLAY ERS GUIDE
TO INTELLECT THROUGH ANALOGY.
I lore arc but a few examples of analogies you will learn in our beginning
course:
Skinny Guy: Hey, you're: a star ier fortheCoknhumi>i.ks \ren iyou? How do you
EKhl. VARSITY FOOTBALL REIAIES ID FrANKL's EXSISTENTIAL VACUUM?
You: Shut up or I’ll break your dick ijkf. a twig.
Skinny Guy: Hey, you’re a starter for the Cornhumpeks .arf.n i yoi ? Ernes 1
HfMMINgwAY PI AY ED FOOTBALL. WlLAI DO YOU HUNK OF A FaRKWF.U. To ARMS
You: Shut up or I’ll squash you ukk a bug.
Skinny Guy: Hey, you’re a starter for ihe Cornhumfi.rs arf.n i you? What s
YOUR OPINION ON THE IDEA THAI FOOIBALL IS ANAl/XiOUS IX) MAN S SIRl GOLF. IOWARDS
A ClASSlJaS SOCIETY ?
You: Shut up or I’ll scramble yolr face ijkf; an egg.
These comebacks and many more are included in your guide? You 11
learn other wizzbangers like "Shut up or i ll pinch your head like a Pea
or 'shut up or /’ ll squish you like a turd.” t
Also included with the guide arc l ive (5) gold chains and a 1 ?8) Toyota
| Celica Supra. . ..
l or a copy of this guide and the free gilts, have your coach or I.ma
parents send $ 18,000 to:
P.O. Box 12
Miami, FI.
or have someone dial this number lor you:
1-800-IBE-DUMB. _
1----FOOTBALL
I
mentioned a babe by the name of
Ruth. She wasn’t there, but there
were plenty of other cute crease in the
grandstand.
After seven innings -- which by
the way is misleading, because the
game takes place outside - the crowd
was inspired to rise and sing a ballad
titled “Take me out to the ball
game.” Obviously, the nose candy
had kicked in, for these fans were
already at the ball game.
One thing baseball has going for it
is this largeobject in middlcficld they
call the scoreboard. I’m going to
suggest that it be used at rock con
certs, because it blew away Pink
Floyd’s light show.
AH in all, I think baseball is a
pretty good game and I predict it will
catch on in popularity as soon as they
change those ridiculous outfits. You
may even sec it on television some
Jay.
__:-ij
Marty Winklebein/Daily Half-asskin
Next week I have to cover a foot
ball game. I’m looking forward to
this because everyone says there are a
lot of hits. Sound’s bitchin’ to me,
dude!
Jock gets stuck
The Hand man, Comhumper out
side linebacker and team asshole, was
rushed to the hospital after Sunday’s
scrimmage when his jock strap stuck
to his lips.
“It was the darndcst thing I ever
saw,’’ said Big Thom, the head
(snicker, snicker) coach.
The strap stuck to the Hand man’s
mouth as he tried to slip it on over the
head, shoulders and down his abdo
men to its rightful place on his over
weight, overrated body.
Teammates giggled mirthfully as
the loudmouth was placed in an am
bulance. He is listed in fair condition
at Our Lady of 84th Street Hospital.
Several of the spectators around
me commented that this fella was
throwing specdballs. The mention of
the word specdball made me nervous,
what with all the pigs in the audience.
Then I loosened up and realized that
if we were all going to be tripping, or
“throwing,” as my new squirts bud
dies call it, I’d better mellow out.
Despite the presence of speed and the
fact that I saw a young kid in a Metal
lica shirt offering coke for a dollar
(What a bargain!), I had to stay
straight the entire game. This is my
job, you know.
At one point, a player ran real fast
and everyone said he stole second
base. I stood up and offered to call the
police and report the theft, and every
one laughed and wanted to buy me a
beer. I still don’t know what’s so
funny about stealing, but I gladly
accepted the free brews. Righteous!
Some of my sports friends had