Freshman girl: ‘Where’d my ‘flower’go?’
By Ben Dover
Staph Infection
She still hasn’t found what she’s
looking for -- and she probably never
will.
A campus-w ide search started last
weekend when University of No
Learning freshman Buffy Biffendalc
lost ihe “flower’’ (chortle) her par
ents gave her. A $25.(XK) reward has
been posted b> Biffendalc's parents,
Dr. Clyde and Bertha Biffendalc, for
the safe return of their daughter’s
“flower” (uh-huh), a Forget-me-not.
“I demand that it be returned,
unharmed!” screamed Clyde Biffcn
dale, one of the area’s leading gyne
cologists and a real prude. “If any
petals are plucked from that bloom,
I’m going to be real pissed off.”
Buffy said the Forget-me-not w as
a present from her parents when she
left the hospital at birth.
She recalled the intense moment
w hen she realized she had been de
flowered (nudge, nudge).
“It was horrible,” Biffendalc said
as mascara ran down her face. “I
woke up this morning and realized I
torgotsomcining. l ten it somewhere,
but I can’t remember where.”
Friends close to Biffcndale, vice
president of Felta Gamma sowhority,
said the doting young blonde was
seen hopping from bar to bar with her
bouquet Saturday night, the eve in
which she lost it.
“She was stumbling around like a
drunken sailor,” said Missy
Upchuck, Fella Gamma president.
Vin.fact, she was stumbling around
with a drunken sailor.”
Rescue teams and helicopters
were called in early Sunday morning
as the search for Biffcndale’s blos
som began. Workers spent hours
unearthing part of R street in hopes of
finding the lost petals.
“We’ve dug halfway to China and
we still ain’t found no plant yet,’ ’ said
Doug Diggmcr, a rescue worker. “1
just wonder if they’re really talkin’
about something else (wink, wink).’
Several local government offi
cials and celebrities helped in the
search. Gov.-lord No Morr lended a
helping hand, shoveling mounds ol
dirt near an evergreen tree at the slate
Mike FartsniHer/Daily Half-asskin
Construction workers dig deep for “flower” (snicker, snicker) that was reported missing by a UNL freshman.
The “flower” (wink, wink) had been “given” to the woman at birth (nudge, nudge).
capsule.
“I’m just doing what 1 can to en
sure that another Nebraska taxpayer
stays happy,” Morr said, wiping
sweat and rouge from her face. ‘‘By
the way, what arc we looking for?”
State Sin. B.J. Perks led a parade
of sinators who stormed the campus
in search of Biffcndalc’s Forget-me
not.
‘‘I want that $25,()(X) reward,”
said Perks, who’s rich as hell and
doesn’t need the money. “With that
kind of cash, I’ll be able to leach a
lesson to those pissheads down at the
Daily Half-asskin once and for all.
“Besides, this search is fun. We
sinators don’t have nulhin’ to do at
the Dcadislature but sit around, pick
our noses, filibuster and bitch about
the Daily Half-asskin. I hale those
commie pigs. We’ll shut them down
yet. Ha ha haaaa!!”
Dodger Beerbine, another s i nator,
said he has dedicated his life to find
ing Biffendalc’s “flower” (snicker,
snicker) -- and shutting down the
Daily Half-asskin.
“Those smart asses at the Half
asskin probably stole it,” Beerbein
said. "1 wouldn’t put it past those
wise-ass college schmucks. They
probably took it so they could have
another good news day, and make
those do-dos at the other local papers
look bad.
"We’ll do some probing," Becr
bcin said. "Those buds are sure to
pop out (tcc-hcc)."
DIK house raided Saturday night
Don t be silly, protect your willy
ny rawn ueiime
Staph Infection
“Sock Ycr Cock” week al the
University of No-Learning could
change the way students have sex,
one UNL official said.
“It (screwing) won’t be as fun, but
hey, a lay is a lay,” said Plug
Myhuska, director of hosing.
“Like Blames Grcaschcad, I still
can’t believe that UNL kids hump,
but a least they can play hide the
weenie with less worry,’’ Myhuska
said.
Cock Week, as UNL students call
it, is a time designated by the Asso
ciation of Nobodies of the University
Socialites to celebrate the penetra
tion of condom machines in the resi
dence halls.
Cryin Still, new ANUS president,
said that the week is a landmark deci
sion by ANUS.
“Yeah, it took us at least a month
to research it,” Still said.
Still was concerned, however,
with the brat/sowhority situation.
“Take it from me, a brat bag, we
pork more than those dormics even
dream about,” Still moaned.
During a March 17 sinatc meeting.
Still Disturbin, an acid and advertis
ing sinator, bitched about how such
actions would increase sex and pos
sible reproduction of “undesir
ables.”
You put a sock on everyone’s
dong,” Disturbin said, “and then ...
well eecwwwww, sex makes me
sick.”
Disturbin made a motion that si
nale be dismissed, on ihc grounds that
it was St. Patrick’s Day and if the
minors were going to gel in to the
Club Elite, meeting should be closed.
The week-long event includes
several events hosted by the Hosing
office and ANUS.
On Monday, the Hosing Office
will provide a sex education class by
the fountain.
“I can’t think of a better place to
spout off about the college students
favorite game -- bury the pickle,”
Myhuska said. “I still can’t believe
that there’s sex on campus.”
T uesday events leads off with pep
rally/parade. The Bobfather, director
of affairs in athletics, will be master
of ceremonies.
"I don’t know why the kids can’t
jerk their ponies, like they did in my
day,” The Bobfather said. ‘‘But hey
... for a bottle of JD ... “
Wednesday has been designated
as Hump Day. ANUS sinators will be
passing out ‘‘Sock the Cock” and
“Hump Me Safely” buttons.
No events have been scheduled on
Thursday, as Sally Hussy Iflfcll will
host a talk show in the UNL Onion.
And Friday, a big parly at the
Mybonc Center will wind up activi
ties. The beverage line-up includes
Screaming Orgasms, courtesy of the
Delta Iota Kappa fraternity and for
the minors, virgin dacquiris.
‘‘It’s going to be a really fun
lime,” Still said. ‘‘Hopefully stu
dents won’t get too tired, but we’ll
have plenty of cigarettes for after
wards.”
By Stubby Shortpecker
Staff Staff
Amid complaints of harassment
and unfair treatment, Director of
Geek Affairs Johnny Wayne And
hcrson Blames Greasehcad, vice
controller of student “affairs,”
raided the Delta Iota Kappa fral
house Saturday night.
It was the first in what
Greasehcad, affectionately known
as “Big Daddy-G” on campus,
would like to call a series of mid
night raids on geek houses in order
tocurb “the jocularity element” at
the University of No-Living, er...
Learning.
“WeMl teach those cocky bas
tards a lesson,” Daddy-G said.
“Next time those peckers will
learn to cover themselves.”
Several members of the DIK
house were taken into custody af
ter Daddy-G Andhcrson infiltrated
the house, discovering scantily
clad DIKs and their Little Sisters
of the Golden Rod playing drink
ing games after hours.
House members and little sis
ters, members of the Tau Iota Tau
sowho. ty, were in direct violation
of a new contract that Daddy G
Andhcrson made house officers
sign after threatening to unsheathe
the DIKs from the geek system.
DIKs said they were pissed
about the incident. House mem
bers said that Daddy-G Andherson
broke into the house by hiding in a
large cake much like those used by
little sisters at Innapatcmity Suits.
“Hell, we were expecting a
little sister to pop out of that
thing,” DIKs said.
Officers of the UNL Lint Divi
sion said that Daddy-G chased the
little sisters out of the house and
back to their residences.
Andhcrson did not participate
in the chase, lint officers said,
because she became flushed and
fainted after jumping from the
cake. A wrestle squad was cal led to
the scene, and treated Ann ^rson
for being overly excited oy the
sights before her.
Andhcrson, delirious from the
self-imposed heat, moaned and
squealed as the men in uniform pul
her in a straight-jacket and led her
away.
‘‘DIKs and TITs, naked DIKs
and TITs everywhere,” she was
quoted as saying.
Helmut Biggcrslaff, president
of Delta Iota Kappa, said the two
UNL administrators were agitat
ing the DIKs.
“They are trying to get us to
blow,” he said. ‘‘They don’t want
us coming on campus anymore.”
Biggerstaff said the little sisters
were doing nothing that they
hadn’t always done. He said it was
common for little sisters to come
over at midnight to wash clothes,
“make macaroni and cheese, tur
key pot pies and get me a beer.”
“That’s one of the reasons we
enjoy them,” he said as he wink
winked and nudge-nudged this
reporter.
Fawn del Me, president of Tau
Iota Tau, said that Biggerstaff was
correct.
“Uh-huh,” she said.
But Daddy-G said the two geek
officers misunderstood him. All
geek houses have to follow the
policy, he said, not just the DIKs
and TITs.
The new policy requires offi
cers of all geek houses to sign a
contract that states they will no
longer engage in any sort of merri
ment on private house properly.
The contract specifically slates
that all geek houses must discon
tinue all activities having to do
with illegal substances, alcohol
and the opposite sex.
Grcaschead said the raid was
successful, although he was sad to
lose his trusty sidekick, Johnny
Wayne Andhcrson.
“But she’ll be back in the
saddle again,” he said, “to ride by
my side as we make this university,
our university, your university, a
better place to live, free of sin and
degradation, with no fun being
had.
“Study, study, study, have
good, clean fun with cake and ice
cream. But don’t eat too much
sugar - you’ll get too hyper and
we’ll surely raid again.”