Shit engulfs, wastes a volleyball player
By F. T. Winkle
Staff Shit Expert
A large sewage pipe under the
Cock Pavillion Sports Shrine broke
Sunday, killing a Comhumpcr vol
leyball player.
Hundreds of gallons of shit poured
into the facility just before 1 p.m.,
engulfing the building. Muffin Birk
enstock was the only volleyball
player in the area at the time.
“She was practicing her serve,”
said Humpcr coach Cherry Pct-it,
who this reporter hates. “The shit just
kind of swallowed her up. Gee/, I’ve
heard the old saying ‘Up to your
shoulders in shit,’ but I’ve never seen
it -- until now.”
The Bobfathcr, UNL big cheese in
the athletic department, couldn’t be
reached for comment — he was busy
doing a No. 2 - but a janitor in his
office at the time said the accident
was a real tragedy.
u s a rcui irageuy, saiu rcoscoc
Broompushcr. “I’ll bet a lot of
people will be in some real serious
shit now (snicker, snicker).’’
The shit, most of which came from
nearby residence halls, rose to the
five-foot level, filling the building
and making people up to four blocks
away run to their cars for some fresh
air.
UNL’s Shit Busters, an emer
gency team formed in 1981 for just
such an occasion, were on the scene
within 10 minutes to battle the un
wanted waste.
“It was really impressive,’’ Pcl-it
said. “They came wandering in in
those nifty rubber suits and gas masks
- you know, like the one the guy
wore in “Caddyshack” when they
took the candy bar out of the swim
ming pool - and started taking the
shit away. They took a lot of shit,
lent me tell ya.’’
The shit was removed in 60-gallon
drums and taken to the State Capsule,
where shit is handled every day.
“Honestly, if those guys over
there at the Dcadislalurc don’t know
what to do with it, who docs?” said
Col. Jake Horndog, commander of
the crack shit-patrol team. “We’ve
taken shit there before and they’ve
never complained. They know whal
they’re doing.”
The seven-man team had the
building cleaned up in two hours, and
147 barrels were delivered to the
Capsule shortly thereafter. |
Pcl-it said he wasn’t sure what will |
come of the accident. I
“But you can be sure the shit is I
going to hit the fan,” he said.
J. T. Pisaant/Dally Half-asskin
Members of UNL’s crack “Waste Busters” shit-patrol team
clean up tons of shit from the Cock Pavilion Sports Shrine
Sunday afternoon (above). The shit was removed in special
barrels (right) and taken to the State Capsule, where Deadis
lators handle shit every day. __
Students love, ban on new design
By Bubbles Van Champagne
Staff Imbiber _
A new design in the Office of
Disasters and Financial Trade-offs
won’t necessarily increase effi
ciency, but it will add a certain at
mosphere and increase the screws put
to UNL students, director Bombed
Weakened.
“Ooohh, I just love it, L-O-V-E,
love it,’ ’ Weakened shrieked.
The basement has been been dug
to below the Nebraska water table
and shaped into a tunnel. The tunnel,
with anthracite coal panelling on its
walls, will act as an entrance to the
underground office. A shuttle mod
eled after Viking ships at Drizzly
World will help students gel to the
office more easily.
Weakened said the the new atmos
phere belter suits the office — a home
for missing records and sad souls lost
in financial trade-offs.
The entire office has been flooded
to increase the excuses workers can
give for lost paperwork, said Lois
Butterfingers, office secretary.
“I think the atmosphere is the key
thing here,” Butterfingers said.
‘‘The damp dreary walls, the dark
colors, the subdued lighting; it all
suggests a trip into the pagan under
world. I think that makes a strong
statement to the student; they won’t
expect any easy rides down here.”
Students, however, had mixed
reactions to the changes.
“I get so seasick on those damn
water-rides, no matter where I go,”
said Claudia Schniftcr, a senior bas
ket-weaving major.
“I had 16 different major scholar
ships, including a 6-year Rejects
scholarship from the university. I had
to give them all up just because I
threw up on all my documents before
I made it down to the office. I think
they should change it back,” she
said.
Dippy Fibbelcher, student lobby
ist for the Governing Losers Coali
tion, approved of the design, how
ever.
I think it s great, nbbclchcr
said. “The coalition helped bring the
whole design about, and students
should appreciate what we’ve done.
“This makes going to school a
little more fun, and I don’t think all
that controversy over the admission
fee to the Administration Building
was at all merited.’’
The $9 fee has been protested by
several student groups, especially
those from the engineering college.
Defenders of the charge say the fee is
nothing compared to various admis
sions to amusement parks around the
nation.
“It’s nothing,’’ said Julia Slickit
toya, another secretary at the office.
“How many students get a top-qual
ity ride along with their disaster
aid?’’
Shifty Dealings, another secre
tary, agreed.
“Sure, a lot of students in a lot of
institutions get taken for a ride, but
somehow, I think this adds a certain
style,’’ she said. “Students really get
soaked here.’’
“Besides,” she added, “We can
hide behind the waterfall when we
see a long line of students coming.”
Students get taken for a ride at the remodeled Office of Disasters and Financial Trade-off.
ANUS sucks
BITCH from Page 1
discussing politics behind closed
doors.”
“Pass!” said Sin. Chicken
Lytl.
Frack said the decision to come
out from behind closed doors was
Frick’s, and he reluctantly went
along with it even though he was
afraid it would hurt his political
campaign.
‘‘But I decided that our friend
ship was more important than the
presidency,” he said.
‘‘Pass!” said Sin. Chicken
Lytl.
ANUS Sin. Fanned Blowfarts,
who has now resigned, tried once
again to bring up legislation that he
knew nothing about. Blowfarts
repeatedly called for someone in
the audience to open on his bills,
but no one paid any attention.
“I don’t understand why none
of you people like my bills,”
Blowfarts said. “I know there’s at
least one person in this audience
who thinks I’m doing an informed
and important job.”
“Pass!” said Sin. Chicken
Lytl.
Unfortunately for Blowfarts,
the only person in the audience fell
asleep during his speech.
* ‘Come on Mom, wake up! ’ ’ he
screamed.
Sin. Chicken Lytl continued to
pass on all legislative decisions
until all the other sinators had
made up their minds. Lytl did,
however, throw a hissy fit about s
DH headline during open forum.
* ‘Those stupid people never gel
anything right,” he said.
In a tcary press conference re
sponding to Lytl’s attack, DH edi
tor S purl W i Idl y apolog i zed fort he
headline, saying he didn’t see how
such a thing could happen undci
his steadfast leadership.
His melancholy soon turned to
See BITCH AGAIN on 8