Booze Digesting
By the Appropriately Depressed Edited by Man Overboard —
Elvis visits Deadislature, conducts tour |
By Roscoe P. Enis
Rock Reviewer
Sounds of4 4 Love Me Tender’ ’ and
"Jailhouse Rock” rolled through the
corridors of the State Capsule Satur
day as several sinators said they met
face-to-face with “The King.”
“It was Elvis, sure as hell,” said
Sin Burn in Flamers. “I ran into him
m the bill room. He said hello. I said
hello. It was great. It was just the king
and I.”
'Why have a gov
ernor when you
can have ‘The
King
- Elvis
"*5 ! I5-* ‘ \<.' •• •• .• •. • '
The City Missing Persons Bureau
has received several calls in the last
w'eek from sinators. One of the re
ports had Elvis vowing to boot Gov.
Lord No Morr out of her posh man
sion on H street.
It appears that Elvis, who ran an
unsuccessful write-in campaign for
president of the Association of No
bodies of the University Socialites at
the University of No-Learning, has
gone on to bigger and better things in
the political arena.
4‘We’ve seen banners pushing
Elvis for gov.-lord,” said Sin.
Dodger Bccrbcin. ‘‘He’s running on
the philosophy that why settle for a
governor when you can have ‘The
King’? It’s a mindless, heartless
campaign.” i !
Another report had “The King”
guiding school children on tours
through the State Capsule. He even
stopped in the rotunda to give a
touching rendition of “Viya Las
Vegas” to startled pre-schoolers.
“Who the hell is Elvis?” asked
Delbert Rinkmcyer, an 8-ycar-old
kindergartener at Our Lady of Wrath
Elementary. “I never heard of no
King, but I had fun on the field trip.
That big fat guy even took us on a lour
of the bathrooms down here. He
pointed atone stool and said, ‘Elvis
shitted here.’”
Dcadsilativc researcher Sis
Cream, who also attended Our Lady
of Wrath several years ago, said he
has had several encounters with Elvis
in the capsule.
“He’s always in the lunchroom,”
Cream said. “You should sec that pig
cat -- four tuna casseroles, 17 oysters,
two sides of fries and three lemon
whip pics. Not to mention four pitch
ers of margaritas. Then he sniffed a
few lines of SugarTwm,curled hislip
and said, ‘Hello darlin.’ After that, he
got up and stumbled out of the room
with a bag of pork reins in hand.”
Cream said he also had Elvis in a
philosophy class at the University of
No-Lcaming last semester.
“It was the philosophy of rock ‘n’
roll,” said Cream, president of Fu
ture Bureaucrats of America. “Elvis
got a D-plus.”
But Elvis earned more than a pass
ing grade when he graced the capsule
chambers during a recent debate on
the motorcycle helmet law. He and
several bikers testified at the hearing.
Gang of marauding females
nabbed Sunday by the FBI
HOLLYWEIRD - A seven
year reign of terror ended last
night when local police and FBI
agents stormed the home of Edna
“The tit” Garret, where her noto
rious Facts of Life Gang was ar
rested after a gun battle that re
sulted in one injury.
“Wow, did that hurt!”
screamed FBI agent Ima G. Mann
after being shot in the testicles.
The infamous gang is being
charged w ith crimes ranging from
murder to jaywalking to being
blatantly unattractive.
Bob Andweave, the gang’s
legal council, said he was confi
dent he would get the entire gang
off with a light sentence.
“You damn cops ain’t got shit
on my clients,” he said. “Edna is
a beautiful woman, dammit, and
her girls are with me, too. They
ain’t gotta thing to worry about
with me onna job.”
The gang is comprised of five
members who arc being arraigned
in two weeks.
Members include:
• Tootie “The little bitch”
Ramsey, charged with murder,
drug trafficking, having a greatly
over-inflated self-image, really
bad acting and urinating in public.
• Natalie “The fat chick”
Green, charged with two counts of
murder, drug trafficking, being
blatantly unattractive, burglary,
possession of a controlled sub
stance and kissing a wombat on
the mouth.
• Blair “Daddy’s girl”
Warner, charged with murder,
extortion, drug trafficking, being a
real bitch, not curbing her dog and
basic stupidity.
• Joe “I wanna be a man”
Polnacek, charged with murder,
drug trafficking, extortion, jay
walking, public defecation and
being obnoxious.
• Garret, charged with murder,
drug trafficking, spitting on the
sidewalk, assault with intent to
kill, sodomizing a toaster and in
sisting on being everybody’s
goshdamn conscience all the time.
Fisherman eats red fish
By Troy Andrew Clark
Suff Kid
CANDY ASS, Mass. (AD) -
Once upon a time there were three
little fish. One was red, one was blue
and one was yellow, and that’s all
there was.
There was also a fisherman. He
smelled a lot like mothballs. He wore
big black boots and they always had a
lot of doo-doo on them, probably
from all the fish he caught.
One day, the fisherman said he
wished he had a fish to eat.
‘‘I wish I had a fish to eat,” the
fisherman said.
And then, there was a green worm
- kind of like a big loogic - and the
fisherman put it on his hook. The
worm, not the loogic.
The red fish went to cal it, but he
couldn’t, because the other fish
wouldn’t let him.
‘‘If they eat that worm, you’ll get
caught,” the other fish all said to
gether, which is pretty unlikely in
itself.
But Ihc red fish, who was a non
conformist, ate the loogic ... cr, the
worm, and sure as hell, he got caught.
The fisherman ate him all up and
got diarrhea. The U.S. Food and Drug
Administration has announced they
will launch an investigation Wednes
day.
WMMHM --
Flash McGillicutty/Oaily Half-asskir
In a flash of blinding brightness, Elvis bolts out of the Deadislative chambers after testify
ing on the motorcycle helmet law. University of No-Learning freshmen Joe Blowmeoff and
Fawn del Me (right) are completely unaware of the King’s presence.
Don t Be Cruel, Elvis tesuhed.
“With this bill, we need to Return to
Sender.”
They did. He left.
Bui ho II he hack, rugger (acu
nitely) and heller than ever.
Many of the sinators said they
were impressed wilh Eilvis’ appear
ance.
i nai s tnc hrsl time I vc seen
Elvis since he came to Omaha,’ ’ said
Sin. Bellboy Heifer. “Man, can that
dude shake, rattle and hum.’’
Gov.-lord: ‘Little bastard isn’t mine’
LINCOLN (AD) - At an im
promptu press conference Saturday,
Gov.-Lord No Morr revealed her
involvement in a publicity scheme
designed to defraud Nebraskans.
Standing in a heavy dri/./.lc out
side the front door of her mansion,
Morr revealed that the oft-photo
graphed child she has claimed is her
grandson is, in fact, no relation to her
at all.
‘‘I don’t even know who the little
bastard is,” Morr admitted.
She said that her staff engineered
the adoption of the child when a top
level image consulting firm advised
the gov.-lord she'd look belter with a
I '
family.
In fact, the child’s parents aren’t
even related to Morr, but are hired
actors.
“You have no idea how hard it's
been,” Morr said, referring to her
search fora surrogate family.
“Hell, trying to find a brat that
matched the parents was a feat in
itself. Actually, I’ve never spoken to
any of them in my life. They get paid
every two weeks, and that’s about the
extent of it.’’
Morr apologized for deceiving her
constituents, claiming deep depres
sion.
“After I lost Con-Agra, I just
needed something to make me feci
whole again. But I realize I was
wrong.”
Morr said she hoped that Nebras
kans everywhere would forgive her
and that from now on, she would try
to do her best by her state.
“I’m even changing my hair style
and taking color analysis, she prom
ised. “I’m going to knock Blob
Searcy out of People Magazine if it’s
the last tiling I do.”
As a final note, amid tears Morr
addressed the assorted press.
“Sec? I'm not a w itch, she said.
“I’m standing in the rain, aren’t I?
Am I melting? Noo-o-o-o ...”
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wt/ heathens!
W/ Cover your stump before you hump.
*/ Don't be silly! Protectyour willy.
W Don't be a loner. Cover your boner. w
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ml If you're not going to sack it, /■
go home and wack it. 1
It'll be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
■ If you go into heat, package your meat. W
■ Wrap it in foil before checking her oil. wl
■ When you get bolder,
put a helmet on that soldier. F
■ To save embarrassment later, cover your gator. M
When in doubt, shroud your spout. M
ml The right selection? Sack that erection. im
I And the right selection is F
1 “The Donger" Condoms! v|
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