The Washington Sisters '
with Melanie Monsur
East Campus Union, Great Plains Room
Friday, March 3
8:00p.m.
Tickets at the door only.
$2.00 UNL students, $3.00 non-students
"Sony,
but we're
looking for
someone
who
was more
involved
on campus."
If you don't want to hear this from a
future employer,the University Programs
Council (UPC) has great news for you.
UPC is looking for energetic students
who have an interest in programming
events on campus. Gain professional
experience by organizing events and
working with entertainers.
Get your chairperson applications
today at the CAP offices.
Turn in by March 6.
By Mark Lage
Senior Reporter
There is no such thing as
good coffee. Good coffee is a
myth perpetuated by the large
numbers of people who have
developed a tolerance for its
taste, due to its reassuring
warmth, and the lift of a pleasant
caffeine buzz.
Students tend to be promi
nent entries into this group of
coffee drinkers, owing to things
like 8 a.m. classes, all-night
study sessions, and heavy alco
hol consumption. With this in
mind, here is my guide to buying
flHHHHneRU 1 1 11.11 "
coffee on and around the Uni
versity of Nebraska-I.incoln
campus.
A couple of things need to be
said first. Si nee we’ve already de
cided that coffee is not in fact
ever good, and since I’m con
cerned here with coffee as stu
dent fuel, taste will not necessar
ily be the primary issue. Quan
tity and availability will be im
portant.
Also, although some of the
places below serve a variety of
flavored coffees, that stuff is for
wimps and we’re going to ignore
it here, and concentrate on the
straight brown muck.
- , .
David Fran a/ Daily Nebraakan
First floor coffee machine in the College of Business Administra
tion.
Vending machine items to avoid
VENDING from Page 7
logical enough. However, the
machines are also tucked back
in a narrow little crevice the size
of a kitchen in an efficiency
apartment. Besides that, some
one iwight see you there and
think you’re a nerd. Whoops.
But where else can you eat a
Fergie burger on its home turf?
Well, there it is, a highly selec
tive guide to vending on cam
pus. Before I leave you to your
own quests for food, I offer the
'following advice.
If it’s in the 25 cent row and
looks too much of a bargain to
be true, it is.
No one eats Cheese Smackers
and smiles.
Buy a packet of Life Savers
after you eat those nacho chips.
The vending machine people
are very nice souls who will give
you change if you ask politely.
As Andy Griffith would say
“Good eatin’!”
1. Vending Machines.
There may not be any such
thing as good coffee, but there
are definitely such things as bad
coffee and worse coffee. Vend
ing machine coffee is worse
coffee, except when the mix gets
watery, at which point it is the
worst coffee. But it’s there when
you need it.
Most UNI.coffee vending ma
chines have an added bonus -
Poker Draw cups. The little
paper cups come with five card
stud hands printed on the side -
four cards up, and one card
down with its identity revealed
on the bottom. Fun! Place your
bets on full cups, drink your
coffee, then reveal the winner.
Boy, I could tell you some sto
ries about the good times my
friend and I have had with those
cups.
One other nice thing about
coffee vending machines in
general -- they all offer chicken
noodle soup in a cup as well. So
no matter how bad it feels to be
buying coffee from a big ma
chine, you always have the
consolation that at least you’re
not buying chicken noodle soup
from a big machine.
These are a few of the ma
chines on campus which I am
familiar with:
Andrews Hall, basement.
Don’t let the Juan Valdez sticker
on this one fool you. This is not
the place to go for the world’s
finest coffee. The coffee here is
terrible.
Oldfather Hall 1st Floor
Vending Machine Playland. Just
one of 10 vending machines in
this lounge, the most notable
feature of this one is the digital
read-out. The coffee here is ter
rible.
Avery Hall, 2nd floor. This is a
special machine for me, as it was
trie first place where I experi
enced what I like to call Night
Class Break-Coffee Vending
Machine-Student Bonding.
At the midpoint ot night
classes, a line of bleary-eyed
from boredom students forms in
front of the machine. Somebody
chuckles and says “Terrific stuff,
huh?” and everyone in line
murmurs sympathetic assent.
Someone could say “Yeah, al
most as good as Geography 101
in a two and one half hour
burst," but it’s not necessary, be
cause there is an unspoken
understanding among the mem
bers of this ’>'ne.
None ol them are going to
make it through the rest of night
class alive, but for a moment,
they have the warm feeling that
they’re not going down alone.
But the coffee here is terrible.
CBA. I tried this one out just
for the purposes of this story,
and it immediately racked up
about four strikes against it. To
start with, it refused my quarter
three times in a row. Very self
consciously aware that I was in
the CBA building, I feared that
the machine was attempting to
to drive a hard bargain.
It took the quarter the lourih
time, though, which immedi
ately led to my next disappoint
ment - no Poker Draw. Just two
tone brown cups with “Coffee”
printed on the side.
Then, it took the machine
about twice as long as normal to
fill the cup, and it left some
debris floating on the top. I
drank it anyway.
The coffee here is terrible, but
1 have to admit that it is noticea
bly better than any of the other
machines.
2. Near Campus.
The two entries in this cate
gory seem to me like great places
to go for standard college
memories. Ifyou feel likeyou’ve
been shorted on memories, go
to these places.
The Hole works. Go here
with your friends when you skip
class, listen to classic rock and
roll, eat pizza that gets you all
greasy, enjoy the nice light from
the red “N” lamps, relax and be
obnoxious. And have some cof
fee. it’s pretty good although
maybe a little weak, and the
refills are cheap. They also have
a flavor of the day, but we’re
ignoring that.
The Coffee House. Go here at
night with a fine piece of litera
ture under your arm, check out
some art, discuss eternal para
doxes and contradictions with
your companions, and have
some coffee. As the name would
suggest, this place has the best
coffee around, and you don’t
have to drink it out of styrofoam
or paper. They have lots of dif
ferent flavors too, so come here
if you really must have that sort
of thing.
3. The Nebraska Union.
The union houses the undis
puted coffee champion of on or
near campus, and it may be a
surprise to some — Burger King.
There are two main reasons for
this — they give free refills, and
they are open all day. If you’re a
student, quality and availability
have to be at least as important
as taste.
The Bakery on the corner has
additional flavors, but I keep for
getting that I’m supposedly ig
noring that.
If you’re only looking for one
cupful, the Harvest Room is
pretty good, but be wary. The
large coffee pots in there create
some interesting problems. For
one thing, if you go in at about
1:30 p.m., just before they close,
you’re liable to come up with a
pretty interesting mixture.
And anyone who has spent
much time in the Harvest Room
knows that its only a matter of
time before one of those big pots
blows. They periodically strike
up an awful, frightening, clang
ing racket, and have to be sub
dued regularly. So if you’re
drinking coffee in there, be care
ful.
If you’re looking to do some
serious coffee drinking, go to
Burger King.
Coffee, cigarettes
Student dissolves into
muck from bad habits
soiree and cigarettes are ex
tremely poor substitutes for
sleep and food.
That’s what I was thinking
early one morning in the Harvest
Room last week. I had been up
all nightstudying for a mid-term,
and was taking a brief study
break by enjoying the warmth of
my tenth cup of coffee for that
day, and savoring the rich to
bacco flavor of my 23rd ciga
rette.
As I mashed out the cigarette,
I realized that I was drooling all
over myself. I shut my mouth
and went to wipe off my lips, but
in doing so, I realized that the
drool wasn’t coming out of my
mouth at all, but instead from a
small hole which had rotted
through my right cheek.
Before I could even clamp it
up, a smallish chunk of cheek
slid right out of this hole, land
ing on my sweatshirt.
Acting on pure reflex, I
quickly palmed the chunk and
frantically scrubbed at the trail of
slime it had left on my clothes. If
someone saw me with a chunk
of cheek on my sweatshirt, they
might think that I wasn’t cool.
I had little ti me to worry about
this though, as my right bicuspid
slid out oFmy gums and plunked
right down on my table. Things
picked up after that, as every
thing began to dissolve in my
mouth area.
A strange, even pleasant,
drafty feeling had developed in
my mid-section. Looking down,
I discovered that my sweatshirt
was soaked with a grainy,
brownish-gray sludge.
Further investigation re
vealed that it was issuing from a
hole which had punched itself
right through my belly. Incredi
bly large amounts of this sludge
were sliding right out of it. I
noticed the remains of various
Burger King items, an amazingly
well-preserved Pizza Shuttle
pepperoni, and (gasp!) a ciga
rette butt. I couldn’t remember
having eaten any cigarette butts
the day before.
The smell of this flow quickly
became so detestable that I felt
as if I would puke, and then I did
— all over myself and my imme
diate surroundings. I was
amazed at the amount of grainy,
brownish-gray sludge that
poured out of what had previ
ously been my mouth, consider
ing how much had already
leaked out of my stomach.
A sudden, urgent need to
urinate precluded these
thoughts. I had to get to the
men’s room, quick, or I was
going to wet my pants. I got up
and staggered towards the exit
of the Harvest Room. Somewhat
surprisingly I was able to walk,
but my complete and total disin
tegration was becoming more
imminent with each step.
I made it as far as the Informa
tion Kiosk before I completely
melted. I was now a chunky,
steaming puddle of slime and
bile. Onlookers were horrified
and repulsed — several were
inspired to puke up their own
chunky, steaming puddles of
slime and bile. I was the big pile.
One brave onlooker spotted
my wallet amidst the mess, and
gingeriy picked it out. He
handed it to the Union official
who had just arrived on the
scene. From my ID, they were
able to learn my name and ad
dress. University janitors and
police officers were summoned
immediately.
The janitors began the unen
viable task of mopping me and
my clothes up ana depositing
the whole mess into several five
gallon buckets. They were care
ful not to get any onlooker puke
mixed in with me. After getting
the main puddle, they followed
the trail back to my table in the
Harvest Room, in hopes of re
trieving as much of me as pos
sible. They were forced to use
slain remover on the parts of me
which had soaked into the car
pet.
Once I was ail mopped up,
the filled buckets were turned
over to two campus police offi
cers, who drove me home.
At the door of my house, they
turned the buckets over to my
roommate, who was surprised
to see me home so early. The
officers were deeply troubled
by the sadness of my condition.
My roommate assured them that
he had seen me look worse. He
attempted to lighten up the
scene by asking their opinion as
to whether I should be eaten
with a tork or a spoon.
My roommate thanked them
for returning me, and wished
them a good day. He then car
ried the buckets into my bed
room, where he carefully
poured me into bed, making
sure to get every drop possible.
The he covered me up and shut
off my light.
I woke up about six hours
later, looking and feeling much
better. I was upset that I had
missed my test, but felt as
though 1 had a pretty good test.
I lit up a cigarette as 1 tried to call
my professor. She wasn’t home,
so 1 headed into the kitchen to
brew up a pot of coffee. 1 had a
lot of studying to do.
■
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120 N. 14th Thursday Night
474-61588-10 PM
132 S. 13th • 477-5122
Free Parking After 5 at State Federal Securities
