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f
By Lane Van Ham
Staff Reporter_
"Pheeeuw, kiddies! Oh, the Old
Flick Fiend has really gone out of
his way to bring you the goods (or
perhaps the bads) this time.
"/ dare any of you to stay in the
I ring with this one for more than 20
minutes, and even if you do, you'll
probably be grappling with your
conscience for wasting so much
time. You may not want to watch
movies ever again after this one
takes you down for the count
(DracuJa of course). Well, my demon
dogs are yelping for food, so I’ve
gotta make a trip to the cemetery to
dig some up - just like I'll have
another wacky video dug up for you
next week. See ya1”
You need to be on the edge of
insanity to rent the movies dis
cussed in this column. In some
cases, masochism is also necessary.
Such is the situation with Rhino
Video’s release of “Wrestling
Women vs. The Aztec Mummy.” As
background information, you need
to know about areal Mexican cin
ema. Just as most great American
features contain either aliens or
lovable maniacs who chop people
up, the creme de la creme of Mexi
can cinema requires wrestling
women and a superhuman foe.
Alas, even this formula some
times fails. Sure it sounds exciting
as the evil Black Dragon gang is
killing archeologists to gel the
hidden Aztec treasure! It’s up to the
police and the wrestling women to
stop them On lop of that, there’s a
goofy Aztec mummy after them
olh. Good grief -- the end of the
world as we know it.
Anyway, to make a long story
I short, Loretta and Kuby (the wres
tling women) wind up fighting the
Black Dragon gang over access to
the secret Aztec treasure. They cause
the gang a lot of grief (“Those
wrestling girls stopped us A curse
upon them!”), get to fight the Black
Dragon’s judo punch-dealing sis
ters, and just generally kick a lot of
butt.
Eventually they penetrate the
Aztec tomb where they run into a
magic mummy (this is all explained
in a flashback to ancient times that
reminded me of some bad films
I’ve watched in Spanish classes).
Belying the film’s title, the wres
tling women never really take on
the mummy, but audiences do get
to see him in action.
First in his bag of tricks is shape
changing During a thrilling tomb
battle, he suddenly transforms
himself into a bat. “Look, Loretta.
He’s a vampire,” observes a shocked
spectator. The mummy then en
gages in an awe-inspiring flight
across the room and switches back,
which prompts the comment, “I le’s
a mummy again ”
• I • _ _
i.am we mm emei iuuiiio
through closed windows and then
exit them by flying backwards. What
a guy!
Undoubtedly the worst part of
“Wrestling Women vs. The A/tec
Mummy” is the music, which was
added by Rhino Video.
Thisis Video Vault sacrilege, akin
to colorizing “Night of the Living
Dead" and Roger Gorman’s “Little
Shop of Horrors.” Instead of the
original spine tingling soundtrack,
we get dumb rock 'n’ roll, which
prompted them to add “Rock 'n’
Roll” to the title in the credits.
I don’t want to scar anyone’s
eyes with the wit and intelligence
that radiates from the lyrics to these
songs by printing them in their
entirely, but here’s an excerpt:
“Ou! in Mexicaly down across
the border stood a little hut made
of mud and mortar, lived a couple
of girls who couldn’t read or write
but my my my, those gals could
fight. They dreamt someday that
they would make the trip to make
the women’s tag team champion
ship.”
Good grief. Save your money for
next week’s feature (but just in
case you’re a masochist, you can
gel th is thing from Blockbuster
Video).
In other Video Vault news, I’ve
been informed that The BonzoDoo
I)ah I)og Band, whom I treated
fictitiously in last week’s feature,
actually existed and put out rec
ords (although they dropped “Doo
Dah” from their name).
Also, my guess is that if you
regularly follow this column you
are familiar with the Video Vault
Torah, Michael Weldon’s “Psy
cholronic Encyclopedia of Film."
Although what we really need is a
‘Psychoironic I'pdale” or the
‘ Psychoironic Star Allas" we were
promised, Weldon is bringing us
the next best thing: A bi-monthly
video review magazine called (what
else) “Psychoironic Video.”
One issue is out so far, and in
addition to loads of video reviews,
Weldon is talking about music and
writers The first issue has an article
on bands from Ohio, a history of
everyone’s favorite song, “Surfin’
Bird,” and a story on horror writer
Clive Barker I don’t think you can
gel “Psychoironic Video” in town
anywhere (although the book is
still available), so il you want a
copy, send $3 50 to Psychoironic
Video, S8 Wooster, New York, NY,
10013.
John Bruce/ Dally Nebraskan
