■Experts say newlyweds
■conflict on control issue
Ity David Holloway
taff Reporter
Experts agree that the center of
onflict facing newlyweds today is
the question of who is in control of
the relationship.
Kenneth Clements, executive di
rector of the Lincoln Samaritan
Counseling Service, said “the issue
of control in a marriage has been
increased by women’s awareness.’’
“I find that younger couples are
usually arguing about children, sex
or money,” Clements said. “Both
spouses are trying to gain authorita
tive control over the other in these
situations.”
Sue Bukacek, a counseling psy
chologist at the University of Ne
braska-Lincoln counseling center,
said “the issue of power and of who's
in charge in a relationship is the
cause of most newlywed problems.”
Bukacek said this problem is a
result of a “lack of balance in a
relationship because of money, chil
dren or other conflicts.”
Director of the UNL Counseling
Center, Vernon Williams, said com
mon problems of college marriages
come from financial situations both
in trying to make ends meet and at
tending classes.
“There will be financial problems
if one spouse is in school, or if both
spouses are in school,” Williams
said.
Clements said in most cases
couples arc aware of one another’s
conflicts before marriage, but are
afraid to bring them up, because they
are afraid of a break-up.
“After about six months into the
marriage, couples will usually con
front one another’s problems and
most likely will reach some type of
conflict,” Clements said. “Most
breakups will occur in the first year
of a marriage.”
Misunderstandings that don’t gel
talked out can lead to the beginning
I of the end of a marriage, Bukacek
said.
“Spouses don't recognize prob
lems right away,” Bukacek said,
but they will develop over time
turning into patterns that are hard to
break.”
“The spouse will start to see
things with tunnel vision, from his or
her own perspective,” Williams
said.
Clements said if both spouses are
willing to cooperate, it usually takes
five to 12 sessions of one hour a
week, before the couple would be
able to work their problems out on
their own.
“Out of my experience, women
arc ten limes more likely to come to
a marriage counselor than men,”
Clements said. “Men usually think
they can work things out on their
own, but when they do come to a
session they are more than willing to
cooperate.”
Bukacek said she tries to keep the
couple together to find out what the
little problems are, so they can talk
them out before they develop into
bigger problems.
“I try to get them to discuss the
problems with me instead of fighting
them out at home,” Bukacek said.
Pre-marital programs are the an
swer for couples about to marry,
Clements said. “Over 85 percent of
the couples who go through our pre
marital program remain married. I
would recommend seriously that
couples go through some type of pre
marital program with their clergy ora
counselor before they get married.”
Bukacek said couples should sit
down and talk about the main issues
that they will have to face as a couple.
“They should figure out what to do
when it comes time for a decision,”
Bukacek said.
Williams said he can’t give advice
to newlyweds until they experience
marital problems.
“I don’t know how to prepare a
person for the situations, but it helps
to hear from people who have gone
through it.”
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