Thomas gets swept into ‘Hulkamania’ I
after he loses TV’s (Remote Control’ I
Take it from me. Being stranded
in front of a television without a
remote control isn’t any day in the
park.
It happened on a Saturday. Ne
braska had just dumped Creighton in
hoops. It was too late to make a night
of it, too early to call it a day.
Television was the only option.
With too much turkey in the lummy,
I wasn’t about to come unglued from
my couch.
I’d be content with whatever ap
peared on my screen. But laziness
laughed last. 1 had to watch the “The
Mam Event.’’ Optimists call it pro
fessional wrestling.
To me, it’s goofy grappling. It’s
All-Star Insanity, two talentless,
tasteless larger-than-life creeps who
hoot and holler until you turn the
volume down.
And so the matches began, with
the “Ultimate Warrior’’ knocking
the bejesus out of some leotard
wearing chump.
After the breathtaking bout, the
promoters cut to “Mean’’ Gene
Okcrland - that short, balding fella
who has interviewed wrestlers since
Joan of Arc was in junior high.
Gene is everything Ted Koppcl
isn’t. He asks a harmless question,
ihen gets tossed like a salad by some
sloth.
And Gene s would-be interview
is transformed into a forum for the
flamboyant and the odiously obnox
ious.
But on that particular night, Hulk
Hogan stepped up for an interview.
(For you rookies, Hulk is la creme dc
la creme of the wrestling world -- a
real gent.)
But my faith in Hulk (we’re on a
first nickname basis) waned when he
called his biceps “24-inch py
thons.’’
Sanders regrets
Heisman hassle
STILLWATER, Okla. (AP) -
Heisman Trophy winner Barry Sand
ers never seems to tire of running
around on the football field. Off the
field, it’s another story.
“I don’t hate anyone, but it is a
hassle,’’ the Oklahoma Slate tail
back said Tuesday of the media
demands in recent weeks. “I wish
you could understand how I felt
about it. I just look at it as I have a lot
of things to do besides responsibili
ties to the media.
u s Dccn lougn inis semester,
but I guess it’s just something I’ll
have to deal with from here on out.”
Sanders, who broke nearly two
dozen NCAA records this year, in
cluding Marcus Allen’s single-sea
son rushing mark of 2,342 yards,
held his first formal news conference
since returning from Tokyo where
the 12th-ranked Cowboys beatTexas
Tech 45-42 Sunday.
Sanders said it was a great relief to
have the Heisman race over with,
and admitted he was uncomfortable
with the extra attention he was re
ceiving from fellow students.
The junior from Wichita, Kan.,
officially will receive the Heisman
Thursday in New York. He again
shared credit with his teammates,
especially the offensive line and full
back Garrett Limbrick.
Sanders said he has not planned
an acceptance speech and hopes his
hosts in New York aren’t expecting
much. He also said he docs not know
where he will display the trophy, but
that he expects his father will want to
show it oil to friends for a while.
Sanders originally was credited
with 257 yards rushing againstTexas
Tech, which cave him 2353 yards on
the season. However, a review of the
game videotape revealed that two
running plays were incorrectly cred
ited as pass receptions by Sanders.
The revision gave Sanders a ca
reer-high 332 yards rushing on 44
carries- his fourth 300-yard game of
the season - and 2,628 yards this
While the NCAA routinely makes
small statistical adjustments several
days after games end. a change of
such i .uamtiUidu is unprecedented.
saidSfcn^loda, Ihe NCAA's associ
ate director of statistics.
I glanced at my arms. And if Hulk
sports 24-inch pythons, I’ve been
blessed with a couple of 10-inch
earthworms. Though it was 9 devas
tating blow to my manhood, I kept
watchin’.
And Hulk kept talkin’ - about
Hulkamania, of course. Historians
tell me the Hulk craze gave rise to
H u I kaman ia. Groupies c levcrl y were
dubbed “Hulkamaniacs.”
Funny how things change. When 1
r I
was in second grade, Skcctcr wanted
to be a cop. Eddy wanted tc be a
fireman. And the rest of us wanted to
be like Skcctcr and Eddy.
But now, playgrounds runneth
over with aspiring Hulkamaniacs.
Back in the ring, Andre the Giant
and “Macho Man” Randy Savage
were set to wage war. This was to be
a real humdinger - title bells, fren
zied fans, all that garbage.
Andre’s an ornery cuss. Big, too.
Standing 7-foot-4 and weighing 570
pounds, he wears a wide load triangle
on his gargantuan buttocks.
And he’s as ugly as he is big. Guys
down at Ihc nickname factory told
me there was heavy support to label
the man mountain, “Andre the Ugly
Mug.”
Andre donned an unbecoming
black garment - probably bought it
at Tent & Awning. And I know not
where he lives, but the place doesn’t
have a sun. He’s a walking argument
for electric tanning booths.
Macho Man entered the ring with
his manager-bimbo, Elizabeth.
(Proud Elizabeth often brags to jeal
ous women, announcing that her
Macho Man is “Nacho Man.”)
Anyway, it was a good match
until Jake “The Snake” Roberts
stormed into the arena uninvited.
Unbeknownst to me at the time,
Andre fears snakes.
To keep it short, Macho Man and
Jake tied Andre in the ropes and
threw the lifeless, drugged-up ser
pent on Andre.
I could go on, telling talcs of Hill
billy Jim and Junkyard Dog. Or I
could tell you about a guy named
Brutus “The Barber” Beefcake who
bludgeons his foes senseless — then
gives ‘cm a haircut to boot.
But you gel the gist of what I
endured that night. Sympathy cards
are welcome. But keep ‘cm sincere.
The last thing I need is some
Hulkamaniac telling me that I’m
jealous because the clods make a
heckuva lot more from a pin than I’ll
ever make from my pen.
Thomas is a senior news-editorial major
and is a Daily Nebraskan sports columnist.
wj "OHIO ALIEN \
{ CLAIMS TO BE te
1 MEN MESSIAH." JES
CHRISTMAS DAV WAS ALWAYS A TREAT...
FIRST. THE GIFTS WERE EXCHANGED, THEN
A SUMPTUOUS FEAST OF SRAM AND
WARMED DINNER ROLLS WAS ARRANGED.
FINALLY, ROY READ ALOUD TO ARLENE
FROM BACK ISSUES OF THE TABS.
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