Great toys of the past — still great
Editor’s Note: This column ran
in the 1986 Christmas supple
ment, Dec. 1.
The coolest toys on earth are
never the most expensive.
When my parents demanded a
Christmas list from me I’d just rip
the comic book novelty page out of
the latest issue of "Conan the Bar
barian” — x-ray specs, soap that
turned your hands black, pepper
gum, etc. — the whole page came to
about $19 plus postage and han
dling. But, invariably, I received
something three times as expensive
and three times less entertaining.
Now, of course, I understand
that putting joy buzzers and pepper
gum into the hands of a child who
was already three steps from reform
school would have been a major
tactical error on my parents’ part.
The best toys were always the
ones that trusted you. The ones that
plugged in, lit up or heated up; flew
or launched projectiles. You gotta
love a toy maker that allows you to
play with things like that. Because
children are basically evil.
Here’s a list of some of the trust
ing and entertaining toys available
since 1965 or so.
1. Mattel Time Machine: This
is my all-time favorite. What the
manufacturer is giving you here is a
hotplate. I liked having a small
metal disk heated up to about 400
degrees in my own room. The
premise of the toy was simple,
though it seemed miraculous in the
old days. You got this hot plate with
a clear plastic dome over it. You got
your plastic cubes in all different
colors. You put the plastic cubes on
the hot plate and they unfolded into
hideous monsters from another
time. Then, while the dinosaur was
still soft, you put him into a little
1-1
confession chamber at the base of
the hot plate and turned it into a
cube again.
W hat the toy company was trust
ing you not to do: Burn yourself, of
course. Also, they w ere trusting you
not to move the metal hot plate
disk, keep the wires attached to the
bottom, shove the main unit under
your sister’s bed, and put the disk
under her fitted sheet, cover the
wires leading up to it with frilly
bedding, and turn the disk on right
around bedtime. This way, you
could turn your sister into a hideous
monster from another time. The
time machine also was great for
melting Barbie dolls.
2. Sea Monkeys: Sea monkeys
never worked but the premise was
exciting. The ads for them in the
comic books made it look like they
grew up to be Ward, June, Wally
and the Beav in sea horse costumes.
They were invariably flushed down
the toilet. After all, they were only
brine shrimp. At least that’s what
the cynics said. No matter how
much care you gave your sea mon
keys, no matter now much extra sea
monkey food you purchased, or
how long you watched the tiny
amorphic translucent mass lay on
the bottom of the Sea Monkey
aquarium/gymnasium, they never
even remotely resembled the comic
book pictures.
But the faithful know these were
I u'j 'i1 i1
not just brine shrimp. The faithful
know that one of the greatest men
aces to human kind, since killer
bees or tarantulas transported in the
banana crates, is brewing in the
sewers of America. Under every
manhole is a monkey, fully grown,
with arms and legs and a vaguely
humanoid face waiting for the inva
sion of the world.
3. Operational Robots: You
know the kind that walks and spits
sparks with a blinking psychedelic
chest panel. There were many
brands and many varieties and most
of them were pretty cool. Eventu
ally, your parents got tired of buy
ing batteries and watching it march
across the breakfast table and spit
sparks at them while they slugishly
ate oatmeal.
4. .45 Automatic: In most
states, you can only get these when
you’re 13 or older, and in one, you
need a written note from your par
ents saying "the right to keep and
bear arms is the right to a free
America.” If your parents are reluc
tant to buy you one of your own,
just use theirs. It’s up in the drawer
next to their bed.
5. G.I. Joe with Kung Fu Grip:
Great idea this Kung Fu grip. You
could latch Joe on the backs of cars
with it, or onto your dog’s tail. Or
take off Joe’s head, put an M-80,
inside, put the head back on, leav
ingalitdeofthe fuse dangling, latch
Joe’s Kung Fu grip onto the end of
a rope, light the M-80, start spinning
the rope in the air with Joe spinning
a good distance from your hand
and watch those fireworks. War is
hell and, as you’ll see, having a
Kung Fu grip doesn’t make it much
better.
6. Prosthetic Limbs: I was
about 13 (old enough for a hand
gun in most states) when I realized
there was a whole Christmas cata
logue, not just the toy pages. Sears
or somebody even had fake limbs.
Now if these weren’t the coolest!
Parents really like it when you don’t
ask for stuff from the adult sections
of the wish book and they espe
’ “ ‘ when you don't ask for
As I grew up, I questioned why
one would buy someone a pros
thetic limb for Christmas. It would
look real conspicuous under the
tree and it seems like its presence
would kind of bum everyone out.
7. Bonzo Punching Bags:
There’s nothing more run than
beating the living sin out of an in
flatable clown. It’s particularly fun
on Christmas morning. Our parents
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