Eggs could be just moldy
‘SEUSS’ from Page 6
to worry, having reduced his state of
being to a simple three letter affirma
tion of the id. He is Sam and Sam he
is.
In the other comer is the heavy
weight. We don’t know his name. We
just know he doesn’t like green eggs
and ham. The reason: he doesn’t like
them, thafs all.
And with this, the battle is en
gaged. Sam-I-Am, representing the
new wave of possibilities in the form
of green eggs and ham versus the old
establishment who will not accept
new ideas just because they differ.
The establishment won’t even
meet Sam’s demands halfway. The
poor little guy is even willing to
compromise. But although he tries to
sweeten the setting with the opportu
nity to eat in a house, with a mouse, in
a box, in the rain, with a goat, on a
boat, the stodgy old cuss still declares
that he would not or could not eat
them, just because — he doesn’t like
them.
He refuses to meet Sam-I-Am
halfway. Instead, he just grows more
and more vehement, until the inevi
table climax occurs. Based on noth
ing more than his own personal dis
likes, the enemy’s arguments sink
into the whirlpool of unreasonable
prejudice. Finally, all wet, he timidly
agrees to try to eat the green eggs and
ham. And guess what? Barriers
down, HE LIKES THEM! Hey,
Mikey! Think of all the trouble that
could have been avoided had our
friend simply tried something new.
But instead, he closed his mind and
nearly caused the deaths of a mouse
fox, and goat, not to mention the
passengers of a train and boat!
Imagine the trouble he must have
getting laid.
Happily, however, through
“Green Eggs,” Seuss shows us that, if
we just open our minds and hearts to
the numerous possibilities our world
has to offer in the forms of different
looking food objects, all will be peace
and harmony. We may of course need
stomach pumps after partaking of too
many green eggs and ham slices (no
one in the book seems to realize that
the green food may indicate mold),
but compared to buying the world a
Coke and teaching it to sing, what’s a
little food poisoning among friends?
Madonna appears
By Phil Atio
Staff Religion Reporter
In a surprise move Thursday, the
Virgin Mary descended from heaven
with a special message to college
women. The talk was sponsored by
PUC’s Sermons and Topics Commit
tee.
“Premarital sex is a mistake, and I
should know,” the mother of God told
the assembled gathering.
“I don’t care who he is, the captain
of the football team, the cute guy in
geometry, or the Lord God Almighty.
If he loves you, he’ll give a ring, she
said.
i
“Sometimes you’ll be afraid not to
say no,” she said. “Maybe he won’t
love you anymore, or strike you with
a lightning bolt. But this doesn ’ t show
what kind of man he is. Do you really
want to love an entity like this?”
Mary said that after her pregnancy
became public, she lost the respect of
her community. In addition, God re
fused to pay any kind of child support.
Mary refused to discuss the matter
further, saying it was still under litiga
tion.
The Blessed Virgin said she real
izes some students will engage in
sexual activity.
“If you do, for God’s sake, use a
condom,” she said. “When I think of
all the problems that could have been
avoided if I had simply took some
precautions, I could just cry.”
-1
Mon Gooaa/Dally Half-aaakin
Easter Bunny boycott
By Muck Raker
Staff Reporter
In unprecedented clash of events,
me Easter Bunny announced Wed
nesday that he would not be deliver
ing Easter eggs to children in Wash
ington, D.C.
Thursday afternoon, during a cere
monial photo gathering on the Black
House lawn, a loud, boisterous debate
oroke out between the Easter Bunny
and Vice President Boy George Tush,
"ho was quoted as saying that the
mobit’s challenges to the Republican
party’s front-runner stemmed from
me rabbit having a “wild hare up his
ih s ^url Loiter also reported
“W Tush had made unethical state
,.Cn[sabout “rabbit droppings,” and
mat he did not like the idea of a rabbit
challenging his political views.
“If bunnies were bom to be in
office, they wouldn’t have big ears,”
he said. “You don’t see anybody lis
tening to me around here, do you?*’
Tush reportedly stomped off the
stage at that point and refused to
answer questions from the press re
garding an anonymous remark to the
effect that the Easter Bunny had a
better documented knowledge of for
eign affairs.
After hopping across stage to
shake hand and paw, the Easter
Bunny turned to photographers for a
few shots. When asked if he was
insulted that Tush had left without
parting in a handshake, the rabbit said
he had “no hard feelings,’’ but wished
that the vice president would “act like
the public figure he is and display
proper etiquette.”
When asked if he felt he had won
the debate, the Easter Bunny only
smiled before being escorted offstage
by secret police.
The Easier Bunny so far has not
proven a threat to Tush in the Repub
lican Party nomination, taking only
Rhode Island and Disneyland in the
caucuses.
However, after Tush’s remarks
were made public, the Easter Bunny
announced his boycott of the nation’s
capitol city.
‘‘It’s nothing personal against the
inhabitants of Washington, D.C.,” he
said. ‘‘I just don’t want to hop around
in the same city as that jerk.”
Bongo Davis/Daily Half-ass kin
Police Academy 5’ is a U.S. masterpiece
ROGER: Well Gene, it’s Oscar time
and it’s just a shame that “Police
Academy 5” wasn’t released in time
to be considered for the 87’s. “P. A. 5”
is the engrossing new film from the
auteurs responsible for Police
Academy’s 1-4.
In this thrilling sequel, Comman
dant Lassard is named Police Officer
of the decade. The dastardly Captain
Davis, seeking to usurp the
commandant’s position releases in- •
formation that Lassard has passed
mandatory retirement age. Before
packing the gold watch m, Lassard
flies to Miami Beach to accept his
award. Meanwhile, the Governor's
aide from TV’s “Benson” steals the
prized diamonds from the local mu
seum. The plot thickens when the
“Benson” guy mistakes the comman
dants bag, which contains a goldfish,
for his own, which contains the dia
monds. His mission is to get the dia
monds back at all costs. The rest of the
story revolves around this search.
This celluloid masterpiece is a
biting analogy of the final days of the
Reagan Presidency. From the onset
there is no doubt. One character, a
▲ •
police officer obviously portraying
the Oliver North role, says “so you’re
saying it’s okay to break the law if you
have agood reason... like a note from
your Mom or doctor or something ..
Beautiful mimicry. Not since
Kubrick’s political-sociological
study, “Dr. Strangelove,” has there
been a social commentary this poign
ant, this black, this rich.
GENE: Roger, I’m afraid I didn’t
quite see it like that. This is a multi
faceted film that shouldn’t be con
fined to a single interpretation. The
plot structure and Lassard recall the
rotary construction of Euripides’
“Medea”. The Commandant is a sort
of anti-Medea. His blessed incompe
tence is his success just as Medea’s
cut-throat schemes are hers.
Roger, its been a long time since
I’ve seen a film that’s reunited me
with my cultural foundations like
“Police Academy 5.” There’s a big
difference between seeing a good
film and having a film experience.
“Police Academy 5” is a film experi
ence of the first order. It evokes that
nexus between a man and that intan
gible part of him that runs like a thread
through each of us, lying us to our
irdial ancestors.
ER: Gene, the lack of numbers
in the theater obviously is indicative
that the common theater-goer lacks
appreciation of true art forms. But, if
I may say so, your pompous analysis
of this film isoff-target. Certainly this
is director Alan Myerson’s statement
on the twilight of the Reagan Presi
dency .Lassard is the humble, perhaps
bumbling commander christened
with greatness. Davis, being the hard
core Machiavellian that he is, wants
see this philosopher-king and a new
prince put in power, namely himself.
They say that this 78 year old gentle
giant lacks the mental capacity to lead
his troops. But Lassard is the hero of
the film. In the end, he is given free
rein to continue as commander-in
chief until he wants to step down. This
is Myerson’s bold climax, stating
obviously that America needs to
strike down the 22nd Amendment so
that Reagan may carry forth his glori
ous reign and continue showering his
thunderous vision upon all Ameri
cans until he “just says NO!”
GENE: Roger, I’m not contending
your interpretation of the film. I re- ■,
spect you as a critic. I think you do a
wonderful job in relating to your fel
low common man.
See POMPOUS MOVIE on Page 9
a trip to your neighborhood drug store
could save your life and a lot more
By Mike Hunt
Suff Bonchead
They used to be almost strictly a
male status symbol — young men
carried them in back pocket wallets in
anticipation of that coming of age.
Today, responsible men and
women alike consider them to be
standard issue for their social encoun
ters. In an age where the condom
market is expanding, the consumer
has to grow with it. For that reason,
the Daily Half-asskin provides the
results ot an informal preference poll
of the men and women on our staff.
Troojuns and Rambos brands were
equally popular among men and
women. Their exotic and sensual
marketing and the powerful images
their names conjure have thrusted
them into a significant role in any
romantic interlude. Many of
the men said that they liked these
brands because of their long tradition
for quality. The latex seems to be
denser than other brands and that they
fit snugly without the bagginess and
chaffing associated with cheaper
brands. However, men with larger
dongs complained that these brands
become uncomfortable to wear after
prolonged use.
Women liked them because they
are available in lubricated and ribbed
forms, but complained that their
opaque color makes them kind of
boring to look at.
Brands such as Lifescud and Suck
yure were first choice among the
women. They are packaged smaller
and lighter, making them easier to
carry discreetly. Also, they come in a
rainbow of fun colors. Men who had
tried these brands said that they were
light and comfortable, yet stood up
well under pressure.
One staff member said he uses all
natural membrane condoms exclu
sively. He said that they are three to
five times as expensive as latex con
doms, but for fit and sensitivity they
are superior to their latex cousins. He
said that with proper cleaning and
care, they can be used several times. „
“That’s the frosting on the cake,”
he said.
j DER SEID GEFAHREN Um GERHART LIEBSTEIN
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Herr Thak und sein grossen appendage.