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Workers are clueless
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By Slim Banana
Staph Rcsortcr
The upper echelons of NUL were
rocked early Thursday when it was
learned the construction crew work
ing on the Seed center for the Per
forming Farts have no idea what they
are doing.
In a press conference held Thurs
day morning, construction crew chief
Amos Sncrd admitted that he and his
entire staff of workers arc “hopelessly
lost.”
“We don’t now what the hell we’re
- doing,” said a weeping Sncrd. “Me
and my boys arc hard workers but
we’re as confused as a sow in a jelly
market.”
When asked to explain his obscure
sow/jelly market analogy, Sncrd col
lapsed into a sobbing heap and had to
be carted away by paramedics.
Assistant construction crew chief
Warren Wabash 111 wen t on to expla i n
that the workers have been building
without blueprints since they were
misplaced in early August of 1987.
“We had some real nice blueprints
for awhile but somebody lost them
last summer,” he said. “I thought they
were in the glove compartment of my
pickup but I guess I was wrong. So
anyway, we’ve been winging it for
about seven or eight months.”
r-—
It was also discovered that no less
than 50 percent of the employees
currently at work on the Seed Center
were hired after they inadvertently
stumbled onto the construction site
while walking to Dirt Heap Records.
One such person is Paul “Potsie”
Stump, who wandered onto the work
site last November.
‘By God, you bet
ter believe I’m
steamed!’
—Assforsale
wmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm
“Yeah, it was kinda weird,” Stump
said. “I was just going to pick up the
new Whitesnake album and the next
thing I know, I’ve got a 2 X 4 and a
staple gun in my hand and I’m being
told to get to work. Well, 1 didn’t
argue and I’ve been working here
ever since.
“I just wish those bastards would
pay me someday.”
Stump admitted that he’s also very
confused about what he’s doing.
“Well, I pretty much just walk
around the construction site and if I
find a spare piece of wood lying
around, I pick it up and hammer it
onto something. I think I’m doing a
pretty good job. Nobody’s told me
By Silly Reindeer
S’aph Reviewer
It’s not often you can read a book
of poetry that has enough steamy filth
inside to put hair on your palms just
from a quick skimming of its grubby
little pages, but ex-King of Israel
Solomon’s autobiographical oddys
scy “Song of Solomon” has it all —
kings, queens, power, slavery, forni
cation, lust, sex, falls from grace,(and
marauding, lustful sex between
queens and a falling king). After a
tough day in Biological Philosophy
, (Whydoyoucxisl?TrucorFalsc)this
makes a much more entertaining read
than that self-righteous lamb-tender
David and his rambling Psalms.
Although destined for royally
(through His divine intervention, no
less) not-so-upstanding muse Solo
mon wrings oodles and oodles of sin
oozing outof every pageof this lyrical
117-verse epic.
“Song of Solomon” tells of the
desires and wants of a man who has
everything any man could want —
that super-rich, ultra-glamourous
King Solomon, of course — and the
queen who left him wanting more
(that foxy Egyptian babe, Queen
Bathsheba, from Sheba, of course).
"While the king silleth at his table
my spikenard sendeth forth the smell
thereof
... Thy two breasts are like two young
roes
that are twins which feed among the
lilies"
Oooh! Every time I read that my
spikenard sendeths forth like it has a
mindofitsown, believe me!
Verily, the stuff that dreams are
made of.
By Thing One
Staff Reviewer
A clash of ideologies. A fierce
battle of wills. A catastrophe. And a
compromise. Someone might expect
to find the record of such a dramatic
struggle in a military history or in the
stuffof legend, butcertainly not in Dr.
Seuss’ blockbuster bestseller that has
everyone talking, “Green Eggs and
Ham.”
In one comer, we have Sam-I-Am.
He knows who he is and doesn’t need
See SEUSS’ on 7
otherwise.”
Needless to say, NUL officials arc
not pleased. NUL Chancellor Marty
Assforsale is especially appalled.
“By God, you’d better believe I’m
steamed!” said Assforsale. “They’re
getting paid good money and it turns
out they’re just a bunch of nimrods.
Why, I’ll kill 'em all with my bare
hands!”
“After all, that’s money we could
be using to build a new football park
ing garage or something!”
University officials are frantically
searching for a remedy to the situ
ation.
“I guess we’ll have to raze the
whole site and start again, dammit,”
said a still-fuming Assforsale. “I still
just can’t believe this is happening.
Ooooh, I’m hot!!!”
Assforsale had to be restrained by
his secret service thugs, lest he physi
cally attack the construction workers
at the press conference.
Until a solution is found, however,
construction will proceed as normal.
Slump, for one, is anxious to get the
whole thing resolved so he can get
back to work.
“I’m tired ofallof this hoopla,” he
said. “I just want to get back to work.
This is gonna be the best damned
football stadium this university has
ever seen.”
Rave Handson/Daily Half-asskin
Potsie Stump, trying to hide the new Ozzy C.D. from fellow
Seed Center woricers.
banta s dancing helpers grace 1 himble
stage again after 3 -year NUL absence
By Zulu Harrison
Staff Reporter
“Schnook’s Dancing Reindeer
Extravaganza” will once again grace
Thimble’s stage after a three-year
absence.
An archaic university policy ban
ning Arctic animals from stages with
wooden floors was rediscovered in
1984 by a humane society who ob
jected to the exploitation of reindeer,
said Andrea Schnook, owner, man
ager and trainer for “Schnook’s Ex
travaganza.”
However, new technology in
wooden floors caused the Board of
Rejects to reevaluate the policy.
“With a cultural program of this
caliber, we simply can’t allow an out
of-date policy to prevent the Schnook
performance,” said Reject Fancy
Coke.
Schnook said she was pleased with
the rejects’ decision.
“Lincoln and Thimble Hall espe
cially has always been one of our
favorite venues,” she said. “We tried
various other stages, the Xoo Bar and
the Dipstick, but they really didn’t
have the space for an extravaganza.
We had to cut the act down to two
reindeer and three chorus girls.”
“Schnock’s Dancing Reindeer
Extravaganza” is an act not worth
missing. Critics around the nation
have nothing but praise for the high
kicking animals.
A New York Slimes review called
it a “new high in cultural experience.”
“It’s not to be missed,” the Slimes
review said. “The music, the choreog
raphy and the ambience brings to
mind the Ziegfeld Follies or the
height of Vaudeville.”
Amy Ferguson attended the last
performance of the extravaganza in
Lincoln.
“The 1984 show was something
else,” she said. “I can barely wail to
sec how they have evolved and
grown.”
Ferguson is a dance major with a
minor in dairy ranching.
Schnook said the show has been
updated with a few new acts, but old
classics like “Reindeer on the Roof’
still remain.
Schnnoks high-kicking dance troupe in one of their many spectacular vignettes!*" **,Wn
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