T Liberal B.S. _ H^Sin
Daily
Half-asskin
i
Woody, Editor 472-SWT
Lady Di, Ed Page Ed
Jenbo Elm Tree, Man. Editor
Spurt Waggy, Ass. News Editor
The Ag Wench, Ass News Editor
TVK, Copy Desk Cheese
Mole Carlman, Columnhcad
. ..
Hugs vs. drugs
Sayings needed for T-shirts, bagels
Hugs are better than
drugs.
It sounds like some
thing a bunch of dopey mothers
got together and recited in front
of a Nancy Reagan poster.
I think Bill Allen wrote “Just
Say No.” Bill bragged of his
accomplishment often, mostly
to young girts, but the message
is the same.
Drugs are selfish and there is
no love in selfishness. The
people around you are put sec
ond to a bag and eventually it
catches up to you. Next you find
yourself without someone to
talk to when the problems you
benumb become too large to
fight.
It’s not that drugs can’t be
fun in moderation. I doubt it is
any worse than drinking a
twelve of Old Milwaukee and
eating a couple pounds of
nachos. Alchohol is no less a
drug than a joint or a couple
white crossed pills. And to tell
you the truth, I’ve never seen
the butts from a joint strewn in
the streets like cigarette butts
and beer cans. (Xherwise, it
would cost a lot less to get
public stcets cleaned.
The truth is, however, hugs
arc much better than drugs. A
hug from the right person can
lift you higher than hallucino
gens, minus the empty feeling
you get after carrying a cold
Wendy’s potato around for
twelve hours.
Of course, too tight of hug
could wind up with a life time
committment to a wife and one
or two toddlers whining for
milk and spitting up cottage
cheese. Or maybe you fall in
love with someone that dumps
on you uke a big dog. Then
again you feel hollow, and there
isn’t much you can do about if
There are other advantages to
bugs. Divorce is down below 50
percent Not that manage has
alot to do with a hug, but those
things have a way of leading to
bigger things.
A hug leads to a kiss, and that
leads to a night in the back of a
’73 Ford Gaiaxie with the back
doors bolted shut. And that
leads to a wife and whiny kids
unless you have loads of cash to
afford to live after the legal
battle settles.
Child support, visitation
rights, compromising your val
ues for a few minutes of peace
and quiet only to have it mined
by a complex guilt trip from
your mom.
If you keep the family and
things get rough you might find
yourself stealing to feed the kids
and learning to forget your
dreams. Your life seems worth
less and you wish you would
have listened to all the warnings
about marriage before you got
involved.
Life may even become so
hard to handle that you may
actually try to take your life.
Then where will you be?
There is another catchy
phrase coined by J. Gcils. “Love
Slinks.”
What wc should do is come
up with catchy phrases that
don’t have a bunch of loopholes
that involve torturing the
masses. Things like, “Pass the
cream cheese, please.” Now
there’s something we can stick
on a tee-shirt or a poster. Or
maybe just a bagel.
At-lete pissed cuz he has no $
I um an at-lcte who are upset about
peeple writing in saying that we
shouldn’t git our Pill Grunts. We
wurk hard every day of the week.
A typical day in my life includes
gelling up at noon, listening to L.L.
Cool Jay for a few hours, eating and
talking on the phone. Then I go two
practice and work even harder. Then
I go git my shots. Oops, coach told me
not to talk about that.
We athletes be needing this Pill
Grunt money. Our Lincoln moms and
dads just don’t shell out the bucks like
they used too. Why I’ve had loo give
up my “habit” and even sell a few of
my gold chains to pay for my person
alized license plates on my Jaguar.
Life is geuin’ tuff with deflations and
all. I even went so far as cutting down
two a six-pack or too a day. That
sucks.
So you sloodcnts can scream about
faculty raises and Curtis all you want.
We at-letes know what be really
important at this campiss — money
and sports, and most importantlce, us.
Those words are synonymous. (The
sekreteree spellud that last word four
me.)
Skeeter Jefferson
senior
undergraduate studees/
basketweaving
and chairmun
1988 Raisin’ Hell Tour
AMete wants two be paid, to
1 um another tutball player who
haz no money. I wants two bee paid
for my effurts here at the NUL. I um
being exploited by the NUL cuz it be
making big money off me crackin’
skull every weak.
Whoo cares if I beecum a profes
sional. I already have an agent. Oops,
coach told me not too say that, either.
Anyway, if the folks in the
UNIcamcrapassLB$$$$, then I’ll be
able to afford al! the luxuries ot lilc—
even a Ferrari. Just think, I could
trade in my Cadillac and 300ZX and
gel a more practical car.
1 want too thank the UNIcamera
and Sun. Bemie Chumpers for intro
doosing this bill. It will definitely
help me foot my bill.
Biff Jones
down linmun
Comhumper gridder
^■iKarararaiJOrn « itm«»».»
Everybody please stop bitching!
Life is a great big bowel, and we’re all just passing through |
I’ve heard enough. Too damn
much, actually.
Everyone at this damn... er,
fine university is always ripping on
the Daily Half-asskin.
I’m often asked, “Why don’t you
guys at the DH just cover positive
aspects of this school, so as to pro
mote campus unity?”
Well, here’s my reply: Why don’t
you blow it out your ass, so as to
promote happiness in my everyday
life.
Let’s face it, Nebraska is a state of
bitchers. I know — I’m one of them,
sort of. But don’t get me wrong. I
don't really bitch. I merely point out
the stupidity and general ignorance of
others so they might do something
about it. You know . .. constructive
criticism.
Like last year, when I wrote a
column in the DH about how badly
the football team needed that multi
million dollar roof over its head to
keep the poor, unhappy players —
who, I might add, really have it tough
here NUL — warm and comfortable.
After all, Big Tom and the Bobfather
said NUL needed it and, dadgummit,
they got it.
But people are still bitching about
it.“There’s more important things in
lite, like the farm crisis and the eco
nomic posture of the university,” say
some bleeding-heart complainers.
Hey, who the hell cares? What’s
important are the football players —
i-;r
just ask them.
National championships mean a
lot more to people than jobs and being
able local. As well they should. Now
that the team has its shrine . . . er,
practice complex, it can win the “big
one.” Those teams from the South
won’t be treating on theComhumpers
anymore. Why, let’s just sec a team
from Florida come in and beat Nebra
.. . Whoooops! Never mind.
But this criticism is nothing new.
I’ve worked at the DH for three years
now and I hear this crap all the lime.
Usually, though, its from NUL
coaches who have nothing belter to
sniffle about. God knows they get
everything else they want.
A high school football coach (not
mine) once told me, ‘‘You get paid
whether you win or lose.” Sure. Just
ask Big Tom. He lost two games this
year, just like last year, and he got a
big, fat, hairy S10,000 raise. Bitchin ’!
It’s the same with us. We get paid
whether people like what we write or
not and none of us really give a fat
frog’s ass what you ignorant, com mu
nist, heathen hicks think. You can all
rot in hell, I always say. Ha ha
haaaaaa!!!
Besides, most of what we write,
especially on the editorial page, is
nonsensical balderdash any wav. IT'S
A JOKE, DAMMIT! Cant you
people lake a little rib-poking now
and then? Who crapped on you corn
flakes this morning?
And if you can’t take it, just go to
hell and take a dump on the way. Go
ahead and use this rag for toilet paper,
or use it as a hat at some out-of-hand
drunken Greek function. We don’t
care. We know more than all of you
moronic flamers! Ha ha haaaaaa!!!
Yes sir, this place really sucks.
People just can’t take a joke. Every
thing is so serious. It really puts a rash
on a certain part of my anatomy to see
this kind of thing happen in my very
own stale. Just who in the hell do you
people think you arc, anyway?
Uh-oh. I guess I’m getting carried
away. Jeez, what got into me? Sorry,
folks. I just changed coffee brands
and I haven’t been getting much sleep
lately. I didn’t really mean the things
I said. Can you ever forgive me?
If not, go piss up a rope.
Obscene is a junior news-editorial and
criminal behavior expert who’s jusl plain
pissed off right now. But it’s not his fault, it’s
the fault of society for not properly dealing
with such problems — and the fact that
Obscene’s paycheck got cut by MOO this
month.
---1
Mr. Ed \
loves 1
the DH ed page J