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About The daily Nebraskan. ([Lincoln, Neb.) 1901-current | View Entire Issue (April 1, 1988)
Bongo Davis/Daily Halt-asskin DH drug probe (Left to right, starting at top): Obscene scrapes up some of his goodies, then takes a snootful! with a $100 bill. But he pays for it in the end. Photos at left: Drug testers Delbert Rinkmeyer and Ted Tube examine Obscene’s “specimen.” Tube takes a gulp to make sure. “It was sweet, like Mountain Dew,” he said. IDH rocked by drug scandal; investigation planned by NUL By Connie Lingus Stiff Pusher University of No-Learning offi cials announced Thursday they will conduct an investigation at the Daily Half-asskin after several staff members showed up wasted at the Legislature and Board of Re jects meetings. At a press conference Thursday in Booger Queen, Marty Assfor sale, chancellor and assistant man ager-trainee at the Queen said, “I never trusted those son’sof bitches anyhow. Now the shit’s really going to hit the fan.” * An unconfirmed report alleged that Woody Smiley, Half-asskin ass. editor and Spuck Obscene, cdilor-in-checsc, have been deal ing “nose candy” and all other kinds of goodies. “All the other kids arc doing it, just ask the athletes,” Obscene said. Smiley said he started his big campaign by selling buttons that said ‘Just Say Yes.’ “It’s great,” Smiley said. “It’s sort of like fraternity and sororities — when we see one another wear ing the button, then we can say ‘hi’ to each other.” When told about the all-house investigation, Smiley became de fensive. “I swear on a stack of AP style books that everything we’re doing down here is pretty m uch legal,” he ranted. On one of his daily jaunts throughout the campus, Assforsale said, “I’ve been down there once or twice and not all those sleazy people are reporters ... especially some of those guys hanging around the Arts and Entertainment desk.” Assforsale said he went in one afternoon disguised as a fratcmily boy pulling in personals and ob served. “Gc-off McSlurpec was in the comer screaming ‘I think I’m fall ing in love with myself, again,”’ Assforsale said. “The scariest thing was when Boob Eaglenose, wire editor and head of the Students for Eagles A ssoc iation, was ycl 1 i ng at S m ilcy, ‘I’m serious, Judge Wapncr made a pass at me.’” Assforsale said Smiley is un aware that people see that the, “dregs of humanity that frequent the DH are not the same caliber of slime as the reporters.” Assforsale has since sicked the NUL Police on the DH. “Holy jumpin’ up and down, this is serious, dude,” Smiley said. Officers apparently taped an argument about a shipment at the DH one day. They used a technique similar to the one the DH used to catch former NUL hoops coach More I-ball conducting illegal practices. “Those gomers even got a photo of me walking out of the bathroom — with my fly open,” Smiley said. “Damn it all to hell!” Officers taped a mob of students who were angry at Obscene about a shipment of “nose candy.” “They were screaming, ‘You were wrong about the baseball team, you better not be wrong about the shipment,”’ Cacasky said. Cacasky said one of the rioters caught sight of the officers, made a lewd gesture and fled. Obscene was subjected to a drug test last month as part of Daily Half-asskin policy. “He came up clean...he had a lot of sugar in his blood and right now we’re testing him for C.D.’s, R.E.M. and I.U.D.’s,” said Prof. Ted Tube. Condom company‘wraps up’ DH deal A group of Japanese condom moguls bought the Daily Half-asskin Tuesday and members of the DH “Pud Board” were unavailable for comment. “Wecouldn’tfieldaquarum,”said Pud Board chairman Spuds Johnson. “I couldn’t find anybody. I looked high and low, near and far, butalas, no one was to be found. “I even checked O’Rourke’s.” All other Pud members were un available for comment (as usual), but member Ram Heinic was rumored to be campaigning for the SCUD party in the ANUS elections. “She’s at-LARGE,” Johnson said. DH Editor in Cheese Spuck Ob scene called an emergency Pud Board meeting to prevent a “hostile take zZXZX.St3aayC3yC3 PUD BOARD REPORT over” of the DH by the DONG Com pany, a Japanese condom “firm” (yuk-yuk). “They offered us a check for $15 but it bounced,” Obscene said. “I guess e verything they have is rubber. Yuk-vuk-yuk.” DH General Man Spaniel Shithecl said most of the DH staff will be fired when the DONG Company moves into the office in August. “I plan to stay on as head of distri bulion,” Shitheel said. ”1 think our sales have climaxed (yuk-yuk), but a 5 or 10 percent rate increase would definitely drag sales down. It’s hard (yuk yuk) to sell condoms.” Obscene said he had no long-term plans, but said he plans to ‘‘get laid” and go fishing this week. “I plan to get laid and go fishing this week,” he said.