? Newz Digesting
Vomit testing lab begins operations M
LINCOLN — The long-awaited
East Campus vomit testing laborato
ries opened Thursday in what some
NUL researchers called a major step
in the study of the human condition.
The laboratories, located in a
massive warehouse, will house stud
ies of human behavior using research
methods involving vomit.
World-renown vomitologist
Ralph Yuroats said the laboratories
will allow the study of deep-seeded
human frustrations brought about by
chemical imbalances only found in
vomit. He said the study of a person’s
vomit can tell a lot about their inner
self, “and a lot more about what they
ate,” he chuckled.
NUL administrators said they
were anxious to see how much the
laboratories, which cost taxpayers a
total of $37.3 million, would contrib
ute to science and technology.
“Of course we’re a little worried,’’
said NUL Chancellor Marty Assfor
sale. “When you buy a building and
hire scientists to play with people’s
puke, some taxpayers aren’t going to
understand.”
“It could be a really nauseating
experience for everyone involved.”
•The stuff’s great
after you let it sit
for three or four
days.’
—Upsurge
Chuck Upsurge, assistant to
Yuroats, said taxpayers won’t com
plain about the research facility once
they realize the full potential of
vomitology. He said that besides its
scientific value, vomiting will one
day be seen as “more than just being
sick.”
“For a long time, vomiting has
been considered something one does
when they are ill or extremely drunk,”
Upsurge said. “Hopefully this will
shine new light on the fact that vom
iting can also be recreation.”
Upsurge said vomiting contest can
be a fun way for people to socialize
and keep in shape at the same time.
“It sures as hell keeps you thin,” he
said.
Upsurge also said that vomit can ■■
also be used as something to keep the
kids occupied on rainy days. He said
it could be used for fingcrpaints.or as IjBClIHc
a cheap, easily-attainable substitute IjjjMp
for Silly Putty.
“The stuff’s great after you let it sit
for three or four days,” Upsurge said. 1 1
Yuroats said he could not clabo- IlHgHPj
rate on the specifics of the testing to
be done in the labs.
“I’m not gonna spill my guts to the HH1K1
DH," he said. ■■■■
I Deaths dampen banquet !
LINCOLN — Events got out of
hand Thursday night at the DH
spring banquet at Molesterfield’s,
Buttsley & Putz.
Gunshots rang out and blood
flew as three ATU little sisters went
on a spree of terror shortly after 9
p.m., moments before the rock
group W2 was to begin its set for the
evening’s entertainment
The band members, personal
friends of several DH staff mem
bers, were not injured in the shoot
ing.
However, nine people were
killed and 17 wounded during the
shooting.
Pol ice apprehended the little sis
ters, who said they were “after that
Billy Allen guy.”
Several celebrities, who were
positioned at the door to greet DH |
members as they entered the party
room, were gunned down before
they knew what was happening.
The management at
Molcsterfield’s, Bullsley & Putz
wasn’t overjoyed with the result of
the DH banquet Thursday.
“Hell yes, we’re pissed!” said
Freddie Krugermeyer, MB&P man
ager. “We’ve had the DH here be
fore and they’re pretty decent
people, but when they start attract
ing crowds like that — little sisters
and all — that’s when we must
voice a little displeasure. Especially I
when movie stars and pop singers
get killed here.
Gov-head struts her stuff
LINCOLN — Gov-head Pay
Horr’s dance number Thursday
highlighted the Uptowndowner’s
fashion show extravaganza in honor
of the new Dirt Heap Record Store
Memorial Parking Lot.
Horr, who sported a delicate
rhinestone-studed brazier and
parity with matching plume, said
she was pleased with her showing
and stressed the occasion had been
a lifelong fantasy of hers.
“Since I was a little girl I’ve
wanted to be a Vegas showgirl,” she
said. “I know my costume was a
little progressive for Lincoln but
hell. I’ve got a great bod that was
just screaming to be exposed.”
The crowd of 200, which was
first in shock at Horr’s appearance,
began to cheer the first lady on as
her Vegas style show became more
risque.
Pill Horr, the Gov-head’s main
squeeze, said he was overjoyed with
Pay’s routine.
“This night has added new fire to
our relationship,” Mr. Horr said. “I
was hotter than a $2 cap-gun.”
Horr said she decided the Dirt
Heap parking lot extravaganza was
a worthy cause to finally strut her
stuff.
“We need all the barren flat
spaces we can get in this state,” Horr
said.
ANUS revokes Daily Half-asskin $$$$$
In a surprising move, ANUS Sen. Bibby Dork led a surge of haired
for the DH by revoking $2 from the paper’s budget.
The Senul voted 26-0 to yank the money away from the paper. Sen.
Dough Hurt/ refused to vote on the bill, saying it was just another joke
bill.
Dork ripped the liberal student paper, calling it a “bunch of crybaby
liberal B.S. ’
“Let’s see those little pissheads pul out a paper now,” screamed Dork,
as she jumped on her broom and flew out of the ANUS office. "They’ve
been abusing cash flow down there for years.”
Dork accused DH editors of spending the money at bars, lingerie
departments in stores and on ‘‘cheap tricks.” She said the money will be
transferred to the ANUS “Greek Fight Nile” fund.
“I felt the money would be well-spent by the Fight Nile committee,”
heckled Dork. “After all, what’s more of a turn-on than watching two
Greeks guys bash each others’ heads in.”
Money not spent on Fight Nile will go to NUL faculty salaries, Dork
said.
“Students must take an initiative in raising faculty salaries,” he said.
DH Editor-in-Cheese Spuck Obscene said he “didn’t give a shit”
what the Senut did.
“Eveiyone knows they’re powerless up there,” Obscene said. “All
they do is give fatcats at the UN I-camera and the Board of Rejects a
bunch of stupid ideas about raising tuition.”
Pay RMA senators? They can’t decide
Members of the NUL Rusidence Mall Ass. met Thursday and
disagreed about what was discussed at the meeting.
“We talked about paying RMA senators,” said Sen. Marvin Burger
meyer. “1 wanted to make a motion to move it to the floor, but I forcot
how to do it.”
Sen. Kim Bibby said the senate never discussed it
“All we did is slurp Coke, eat a few bagels and talk about GLOW
women’s wrestling,” Bibby said. “All in all, I would say it was a
productive and typical meeting.”
Bobfather lands at OK on piece mission
hr. The Bobfather, NUL at-letic director, arrived
university UfSday °° 3 lwo'day piecc m'ssion with cheerleaders at OK
“They pelted me with oranges after the 17-7 thumDine the Mooners
even witt btehes "fa‘her ““ * ,hC a,rp°n- "Now»'« ***•« |
A crowd of five greeted ihe Bobfaiher at the OK Airport where he
™B^b”a«!tRRr,MH°lAirbal,00n- Thccrow'dchanied”&ti
hasJhc Bobfather stumbled out of the balloon, champagne
The DH would like to apologize
for mispelling Chancellor Marty
Asforsalc name wrong. It should’ve
been Marty Assforsale. The DH also
incorrectly reported the name of
Assforsale’s dog as Herpes. It should
have been Kitty Jo.
In Sunday’s issue, the DH reported
that 35 NUL students were killed
when a tanker truck carrying jet fuel
crashed into the Harpalot Residence
Hall and exploded. We were wrong
— there was no accident. Sorry' about
the mistake.
Half-asskin I
DH Eddy Spuck Obscene »
Ass. Editor Woody *
Man. Editor Jenbo Elm Tree gl
Ass News Editor Spurt Waggy m
Ass News Editor Tna Aa Wench p
Ed Page Editor Lady 01 j#
Wire Editor Boob Hollbun*
Copy Desk Cheese TVK B
Spurts Editor “Jammin" Jamelle
S&M Editor SK Allen M
Ass. S&M Editor Hteky Mailer X
Graphics Editor Bomb Taller X
Ass Graphics Ed Jerb pi
Photo Cheese Bongo ||f
Night Nows Editors French Fiy 5%
Jobeth Puke-o
Art Direction Jeaeice Hahn
General Man Spanlal Shltheel X
Productive Man Kitty Witty
Ad Man Paanut M&M g|
Ass Ad Man Boob Ratae g®
Cumulation Man. No Thanka |j|
Pub Board Chair. Recllnar W
The Daily Half-asskm(OUl7-NU7) gj
is published whenever the staff damn »
well (eels like it. M H
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